I do not believe so. In order to commit to another and to love another one must have the ability to love oneself and the maturity to understand the value of love, the value of the relationship.

One who allows his or her life to be controlled by bad habits and secret addictions does not love themselves enough to love another.

Not that we don't all have a few bad habits, but you are talking about the kinds of bad habits that prevent a relationship from thriving. Do you know what that means? thriving?

i think the point that I'm trying to make is broadly missed here is that none of us are infallible. We all make mistakes and those mistakes fall into a wide range of critical to insignificant consequence. Yes, cheating is the most often violated rule of a relationship but Love in it's truest form can prevail all circumstances when both can recognize and reconcile over the violation. It's not an easy one, but to draw a line in the sand based on your own level of tolerance and assuming "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" or any other preconceived notions, you're not giving your partner the benefit of a doubt and you are placing limits on your love. You are willing to risk all that you had together over a single circumstance even to the point that odds are good you will never find another love like what you have with that partner. Which is easier? To reconcile your differences and continue with a known and valued relationship that you have already established with that partner, or start all over in hopes of finding another that will be equal or better. Hoping that person wont cheat on you or you won't fall into your owns selfishness and cheat on him/her.

mmmmmmm smells like settling to me





there is nothing wrong with having your own values/morals
and saying what you will or will not tolerate
from another human being



where is that line exactly?
when you go from loving supportive forgiving spouse
to doormat I wonder?


I'd be careful about telling someone who was cheated on
maybe more than once
that they should have stayed and worked it out in their marriage

for they will never find another one who loved them the way their spouse did


sounds like their spouse didnt do a very good job of it to me

Welcome.

To your question-
We get what we settle for.
We usually teach people how to treat us
If we don't love & respect ourselves, no one else will.

Good luck

Having morals/values is all to important for both people to possess. To me, in the rules of unconditional love there is no line. I don't believe you can classify yourself as being a doormat over one event. If the event becomes a repeated problem then yes, you would have reason to question if you should continue in the relationship. You need to weigh what you had against something that happens in the relationship that devalues what you had. "sounds like their spouse didn't do a very good job of it to me" is to assume that you never erred or never will err in your commitment to your spouse. In the perfect world you can assume that you will always be faithful just as your partner did, however, none of us are perfect.

nobody is claiming to be perfect here



my point was that cheating happens for a myriad of reasons

the whys and therefor's of how it lead up to that scenario are known only to that couple

can they overcome a one time episode? some have

should they end it over one episode? again up to the couple involved


but more many especially in a marriage
cheating is a sin, wrong, crossing the line


for many still in a relationship...thinking about leaving but not quite ready to go
it seems like a way to step out there and see what its like before getting a divorce
or its done out of boredom, lack of excitment

the justification list is quite a lengthy one on why someone decides to cross that line


anyhow I am outtie on this thread
people gonna do what they gonna do


but this topic usually stir up hornet's nest for some
who carry around a lot of hurt and anger
especially when they had to deal with this in their own lives
make some pretty angry, upset but maybe that was the goal



unconditional love in it's true state is a little hard for most of us
mere mortals to be able to obtain

unless maybe you are the Dalai Lama

I believe this applies to the one that is unfaithful, not vice versa as you seem to indicate.

I didn't indicate either, it applies to both of you after the fact that one violated the relationship.

Edited of posts targeting members rather than the topic.

soufie
Site Moderator

or a mother, and sometimes father, which often times is a natural ability. Unconditional love is truly difficult to achieve, but I think it is a valuable element in any lasting relationship.

I wasn't assuming anything when I said 'once a cheater always a cheater'.
I've gained that belief from my own experiences, and I certainly gave the benefit of the doubt, to more than one partner and more than once.
But I won't again, cheat once it's over, no exceptions.
I don't believe I place any limits on my love for someone, if you truly love someone I don't think you can just love that someone "up to a limit".
But I do place a limit on what I will endure to keep a relationship alive with someone, no matter how much I love them, and cheating breaks that limit.

Neither choice is easier, reconciling or starting over.
They are both difficult choices for many reasons.
Tried both choices and came to the conclusion that as painful as it is, starting over is a better option than being hurt over and over again by someone you're deeply in love with.

Do I believe I'll find again the kind of love I had with that partner?
I don't know, maybe, maybe not.
But there's also the possibility I'll find someone and have a better, stronger love and relationship than previously...

I understand your point of developing expectations based on experience. However, I don't believe that you can start a new relationship where trust in that person is governed by violated trust of previous relationships. It would be advisable to go into a new relationship with an understanding that you have certain expectations that cannot be violated under any circumstance. The responsibility of commitment to each other falls on both of you. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but I think it will be a hindrance in accepting another person in your life. For instance, if the person you're interested in cheated on a previous partner but fully admits they made a mistake and would never do it again, would you be able to accept that. If you didn't, I think you would be hard pressed to find another partner that you could trust, as most of us who are divorced or single in the later stage of life are either a victim or the perpetrator of unfaithfulness.

Lol

Where is the cheaters commitment to the relationship? Think that is what some are missing and excusing it as a mistake

At the point and time when someone cheats in a relationship, they realize (or at least they should) that they are not being committed to that relationship and after it is said and done, could have feelings of remorse and realize they have made a grave "mistake". If they are truly sorry and seeking forgiveness, and I don't mean after they've done this several times, are you able to be forgiving. Like I have said and I'll say it again. You both need to either come to terms with the event and move forward if the relationship is worthy of reconciliation, or decide it is not worthy and end it with hopes of finding another you can trust not to violate their commitment ever, as obviously you are unable to forgive even one time.

Well said!

Sure you did. Besides one would not even have a reason if the infidelity didn't occur in the first place.

absolutely....
cheating is a choice

The choice not to give your all to the relationship you are in.

The choice to not have enough guts to say I can't do this and cut ties.

The choice to totally devalue yourself and the one your are with.

YOU are willing to risk....etc.? YOU???? Who is " YOU", the cheated one?
No Sir, the cheater is doing that, not the cheated one. It shows how cheater values the relationship s/he is willing to risk loosing.
Please stop finding excuses for cheaters.

Some couples still remain in relationship despite betrayal, but others don't. TRUST is not easy to rebuild and sometimes it is either not possible (repeated betrayal) or not worth it.

Let couples decide, but please, please...do not find excuses for cheaters. Thank you.