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| Topic: cheating/New here not sure what im doing | |
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sat 04/11/15 01:11 PM
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i think the point that I'm trying to make is broadly missed here is that none of us are infallible. We all make mistakes and those mistakes fall into a wide range of critical to insignificant consequence. Yes, cheating is the most often violated rule of a relationship but Love in it's truest form can prevail all circumstances when both can recognize and reconcile over the violation. It's not an easy one, but to draw a line in the sand based on your own level of tolerance and assuming "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" or any other preconceived notions, you're not giving your partner the benefit of a doubt and you are placing limits on your love. You are willing to risk all that you had together over a single circumstance even to the point that odds are good you will never find another love like what you have with that partner. Which is easier? To reconcile your differences and continue with a known and valued relationship that you have already established with that partner, or start all over in hopes of finding another that will be equal or better. Hoping that person wont cheat on you or you won't fall into your owns selfishness and cheat on him/her. I wasn't assuming anything when I said 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I've gained that belief from my own experiences, and I certainly gave the benefit of the doubt, to more than one partner and more than once. But I won't again, cheat once it's over, no exceptions. I don't believe I place any limits on my love for someone, if you truly love someone I don't think you can just love that someone "up to a limit". But I do place a limit on what I will endure to keep a relationship alive with someone, no matter how much I love them, and cheating breaks that limit. Neither choice is easier, reconciling or starting over. They are both difficult choices for many reasons. Tried both choices and came to the conclusion that as painful as it is, starting over is a better option than being hurt over and over again by someone you're deeply in love with. Do I believe I'll find again the kind of love I had with that partner? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. But there's also the possibility I'll find someone and have a better, stronger love and relationship than previously... I understand your point of developing expectations based on experience. However, I don't believe that you can start a new relationship where trust in that person is governed by violated trust of previous relationships. It would be advisable to go into a new relationship with an understanding that you have certain expectations that cannot be violated under any circumstance. The responsibility of commitment to each other falls on both of you. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but I think it will be a hindrance in accepting another person in your life. For instance, if the person you're interested in cheated on a previous partner but fully admits they made a mistake and would never do it again, would you be able to accept that. If you didn't, I think you would be hard pressed to find another partner that you could trust, as most of us who are divorced or single in the later stage of life are either a victim or the perpetrator of unfaithfulness. no one over age of about twelve who has been in a relationship begins a new one without some kind of damage done hurt or 'baggage' that they bring forward into the next one we are flawed human beings with battle scars are we not? one would hope that as a mature and intelligent human being you would have the ability to make that distinction between your ex and this new person in your life hindurance? hmmmmm interesting I see that there is indeed a distinction to be made between a one time cheating event and a habitual cheater is one more forgivable than the other? depends on the people involved this is one of those d*mned if ya do and d*mned if ya dont kind of threads if you say cheating is wrong then you are an intolerant, moralistic and somehow do not possess the ability to forgive if you say cheating is acceptable then you are without morals, lacking in commitment and narcissistic in nature |
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I understand your point of developing expectations based on experience. However, I don't believe that you can start a new relationship where trust in that person is governed by violated trust of previous relationships.
No I don't either, and I wouldn't. It'd be foolish to trust or not trust a new partner based on behaviour of a previous one. Any relationship that started with that attitude would be doomed to failure before it even began. It would be advisable to go into a new relationship with an understanding that you have certain expectations that cannot be violated under any circumstance. The responsibility of commitment to each other falls on both of you.
Yes it would and yes it does. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but I think it will be a hindrance in accepting another person in your life. For instance, if the person you're interested in cheated on a previous partner but fully admits they made a mistake and would never do it again, would you be able to accept that. If you didn't, I think you would be hard pressed to find another partner that you could trust, as most of us who are divorced or single in the later stage of life are either a victim or the perpetrator of unfaithfulness.
I've never been in that situation and I guess I'd have to cross that bridge if I came to it. A lot of variables would come into play there no doubt and until I was faced with a similar situation and had taken the time to think it over properly, I couldn't give an honest answer as to what choice I'd make. I prefer to think of things as a 'clean slate' for each other when starting a new relationship with someone. There's always a chance a new (or any) relationship will go bad for one reason or another but if you do find that special someone I believe it's a chance well worth taking. |
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i think the point that I'm trying to make is broadly missed here is that none of us are infallible. We all make mistakes and those mistakes fall into a wide range of critical to insignificant consequence. Yes, cheating is the most often violated rule of a relationship but Love in it's truest form can prevail all circumstances when both can recognize and reconcile over the violation. It's not an easy one, but to draw a line in the sand based on your own level of tolerance and assuming "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" or any other preconceived notions, you're not giving your partner the benefit of a doubt and you are placing limits on your love. You are willing to risk all that you had together over a single circumstance even to the point that odds are good you will never find another love like what you have with that partner. Which is easier? To reconcile your differences and continue with a known and valued relationship that you have already established with that partner, or start all over in hopes of finding another that will be equal or better. Hoping that person wont cheat on you or you won't fall into your owns selfishness and cheat on him/her. I wasn't assuming anything when I said 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I've gained that belief from my own experiences, and I certainly gave the benefit of the doubt, to more than one partner and more than once. But I won't again, cheat once it's over, no exceptions. I don't believe I place any limits on my love for someone, if you truly love someone I don't think you can just love that someone "up to a limit". But I do place a limit on what I will endure to keep a relationship alive with someone, no matter how much I love them, and cheating breaks that limit. Neither choice is easier, reconciling or starting over. They are both difficult choices for many reasons. Tried both choices and came to the conclusion that as painful as it is, starting over is a better option than being hurt over and over again by someone you're deeply in love with. Do I believe I'll find again the kind of love I had with that partner? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. But there's also the possibility I'll find someone and have a better, stronger love and relationship than previously... I understand your point of developing expectations based on experience. However, I don't believe that you can start a new relationship where trust in that person is governed by violated trust of previous relationships. It would be advisable to go into a new relationship with an understanding that you have certain expectations that cannot be violated under any circumstance. The responsibility of commitment to each other falls on both of you. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but I think it will be a hindrance in accepting another person in your life. For instance, if the person you're interested in cheated on a previous partner but fully admits they made a mistake and would never do it again, would you be able to accept that. If you didn't, I think you would be hard pressed to find another partner that you could trust, as most of us who are divorced or single in the later stage of life are either a victim or the perpetrator of unfaithfulness. no one over age of about twelve who has been in a relationship begins a new one without some kind of damage done hurt or 'baggage' that they bring forward into the next one we are flawed human beings with battle scars are we not? one would hope that as a mature and intelligent human being you would have the ability to make that distinction between your ex and this new person in your life hindurance? hmmmmm interesting I see that there is indeed a distinction to be made between a one time cheating event and a habitual cheater is one more forgivable than the other? depends on the people involved this is one of those d*mned if ya do and d*mned if ya dont kind of threads if you say cheating is wrong then you are an intolerant, moralistic and somehow do not possess the ability to forgive if you say cheating is acceptable then you are without morals, lacking in commitment and narcissistic in nature Past baggage is one thing. I believe people can change. But when I am betrayed that way, that is a different story because I feel the hurt 1st hand |
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Edited by
yellowrose10
on
Sat 04/11/15 01:44 PM
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Where is the cheaters commitment to the relationship? Think that is what some are missing and excusing it as a mistake At the point and time when someone cheats in a relationship, they realize (or at least they should) that they are not being committed to that relationship and after it is said and done, could have feelings of remorse and realize they have made a grave "mistake". If they are truly sorry and seeking forgiveness, and I don't mean after they've done this several times, are you able to be forgiving. Like I have said and I'll say it again. You both need to either come to terms with the event and move forward if the relationship is worthy of reconciliation, or decide it is not worthy and end it with hopes of finding another you can trust not to violate their commitment ever, as obviously you are unable to forgive even one time. Some mistakes, as you call it, can cause deep wounds. They weren't committed to the relationship when the cheated...null and void Doesn't mean the person doesn't love them stil but they know it is too painful and a huge betrayal Who are you or anyone else to decide someone's love after that? Who are you to decide where another person's line is drawn? Shpuld someone forgove if the other is abusive to them too? Or do you drawn the line with that? Physical, emotiobal and mental abuse are damaging. Many feel cheating is emotional abuse |
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I look in the mirror each and every day. I don't care so much about my appearance as I do about how I will treat others that day. I strive to make certain I will do so with respect. I realize there will be many whom I will absolutely refuse to respect, your choice.
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sat 04/11/15 01:47 PM
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i think the point that I'm trying to make is broadly missed here is that none of us are infallible. We all make mistakes and those mistakes fall into a wide range of critical to insignificant consequence. Yes, cheating is the most often violated rule of a relationship but Love in it's truest form can prevail all circumstances when both can recognize and reconcile over the violation. It's not an easy one, but to draw a line in the sand based on your own level of tolerance and assuming "once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater" or any other preconceived notions, you're not giving your partner the benefit of a doubt and you are placing limits on your love. You are willing to risk all that you had together over a single circumstance even to the point that odds are good you will never find another love like what you have with that partner. Which is easier? To reconcile your differences and continue with a known and valued relationship that you have already established with that partner, or start all over in hopes of finding another that will be equal or better. Hoping that person wont cheat on you or you won't fall into your owns selfishness and cheat on him/her. I wasn't assuming anything when I said 'once a cheater always a cheater'. I've gained that belief from my own experiences, and I certainly gave the benefit of the doubt, to more than one partner and more than once. But I won't again, cheat once it's over, no exceptions. I don't believe I place any limits on my love for someone, if you truly love someone I don't think you can just love that someone "up to a limit". But I do place a limit on what I will endure to keep a relationship alive with someone, no matter how much I love them, and cheating breaks that limit. Neither choice is easier, reconciling or starting over. They are both difficult choices for many reasons. Tried both choices and came to the conclusion that as painful as it is, starting over is a better option than being hurt over and over again by someone you're deeply in love with. Do I believe I'll find again the kind of love I had with that partner? I don't know, maybe, maybe not. But there's also the possibility I'll find someone and have a better, stronger love and relationship than previously... I understand your point of developing expectations based on experience. However, I don't believe that you can start a new relationship where trust in that person is governed by violated trust of previous relationships. It would be advisable to go into a new relationship with an understanding that you have certain expectations that cannot be violated under any circumstance. The responsibility of commitment to each other falls on both of you. I'm not saying that your expectations are unreasonable, but I think it will be a hindrance in accepting another person in your life. For instance, if the person you're interested in cheated on a previous partner but fully admits they made a mistake and would never do it again, would you be able to accept that. If you didn't, I think you would be hard pressed to find another partner that you could trust, as most of us who are divorced or single in the later stage of life are either a victim or the perpetrator of unfaithfulness. no one over age of about twelve who has been in a relationship begins a new one without some kind of damage done hurt or 'baggage' that they bring forward into the next one we are flawed human beings with battle scars are we not? one would hope that as a mature and intelligent human being you would have the ability to make that distinction between your ex and this new person in your life hindurance? hmmmmm interesting I see that there is indeed a distinction to be made between a one time cheating event and a habitual cheater is one more forgivable than the other? depends on the people involved this is one of those d*mned if ya do and d*mned if ya dont kind of threads if you say cheating is wrong then you are an intolerant, moralistic and somehow do not possess the ability to forgive if you say cheating is acceptable then you are without morals, lacking in commitment and narcissistic in nature Past baggage is one thing. I believe people can change. But when I am betrayed that way, that is a different story because I feel the hurt 1st hand I wasn't saying that you didnt I am sorry if it came across that way see people carry some heavy scars when this occurs those vows were supposed to mean something to both |
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Edited by
yellowrose10
on
Sat 04/11/15 01:53 PM
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Out of curiosity...could someone show me where the OP stated the significant other was the cheater?
I am on my phone so maybe I missed it |
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No I don't think he stated who the "mistaker" was.
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No I don't think he stated who the "mistaker" was. That is kinda what I thought. |
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Edited by
TMommy
on
Sat 04/11/15 02:09 PM
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edited for sounding judgmental
whew sometimes those morals just sneak in 
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You are willing to risk all that you had together over a single circumstance even to the point that odds are good you will never find another love like what you have with that partner. YOU are willing to risk....etc.? YOU???? Who is " YOU", the cheated one? No Sir, the cheater is doing that, not the cheated one. It shows how cheater values the relationship s/he is willing to risk loosing. Please stop finding excuses for cheaters. Some couples still remain in relationship despite betrayal, but others don't. TRUST is not easy to rebuild and sometimes it is either not possible (repeated betrayal) or not worth it. Let couples decide, but please, please...do not find excuses for cheaters. Thank you. Never ever did I offer any excuse, in fact have reiterated over and over that cheating is wrong and a violation of trust. My only point is are you going to take one incident and not be forgiving of your partner at the risk of ending what still can be an awesome relationship as it was before the incident if the cheater is truly seeking forgiveness and the victim is capable of forgiving to save the relationship. Yes it is a decision that needs to be made by the couple involved of course. This is only a suggestion to other options that exist and I don't believe that a moment of infidelity should just be contrived as the end all. I'm done with having my words twisted around to mean something I did not say |
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