To be honest, I wouldn't bother getting involved. I know you care about her, but you can't decide for her. Nothing much you can do except sit back and watch. Bite your tongue. If she knows he's not good to be with, yet stays, it makes me wonder why. And the children need to see a healthy, happy bond, between the two, because it may affect them when they're older. I do feel your pain though, because every single day, I just want to tell my mum to stop letting my stepdad, walk all over her. I've watched their relationship develop, ever since they met, and even now still shaking my head at it all. My mum is too soft.

Here's a topic sure to get some interesting replies. This happened to a friend of mine, and I'm trying to advise her.

A professional woman dates a professional man. He keeps asking her to move in with him, but she avoids it for many reasons. Finally she does. He has two kids by his ex-wife, and he actually wasn't divorced as he said he was when they first started dating, but he is divorced before she moves in. The kids are very poorly behaved and they treat her as though she's an invader, even as she waits on them, cooks for them, and cares for them.

That's right. He starts to treat her not like a date but like a kitchen slave, barefoot and starving, no time to run her business because she is trying to keep up with his demands for domestic support. He'd said he would hire help and do his part, but she is now neglecting her college age child, career, health, etc. while her boyfriend drools over his ex-wife every time she stops by unexpectedly and then once she leaves orders the live in girlfriend around in front of the kids.

She knows she should just kick the guy to the curb, but she's taken financial risks to be with him, and he claims to want to work it out. They have an appointment for counseling.

I think she should limit her investment in him and the kids while getting her business back on track and looking after her college student, and then leave him. She thinks she should give him one more crack, and he's agreed to relationship counseling.

The latest development is that she's found out that he's been chatting and emailing with old girlfriends and using porn when she's taking a shower. She's seriously hot looking, extremely nice, very intelligent and an amazing mother. She has a great personality too. She's been so nice to him.

He is professionally very successful and even wealthy, but during all of this, he's never offered to support her or pay more than a few bills. He is a real penny pincher in and out of bed. And, he's started to check out anything in tight pants when they are supposedly on a romantic walk or away overnight. She is used to being the one being checked out, but he looks over her head at teenagers and other people's wives. He even brags about his ex-wife and ex-girlfriends, about how much younger they were than him and about their advanced degrees. Though she has an advanced degree, he is apparently more impressed with theirs.

Again, I think she needs to get out of there. She could have 100 successful, good looking men after her in a heartbeat. But, she's giving him another chance, even though she knows what he's up to online.

She's not an idiot, and she has considered leaving him. She's told him to treat her like a queen or she'd leave. But, he still acts like he can't use the stove and refuses to buy her flowers or take her away on trips more than a short overnighter during which he will stare at and talk with her about young women in tight pants. What can I say to her to cut the losses and not give him any more time than she needs to get herself in a better position to leave?

YOU can't say anything.
Tis her life.
She has obviously laid it all out for you.
Which means she is highly aware of it all.

Her game, sis.
She seems..in love.
You are not, ergo, you will not see things as she does.

Her glory, her regrets, her choice.

As for giving her advice, I am all for helping a person
lay out the issues, identify them, define them.

But deciding what to do is up to them.
Listen, sympathize, be there.

jenny people choose their own road....

I mind my own business when it comes to who dates who..

Your friend is her own worst enemy. She keeps coming up with excuses as to why she stays with him. I don't care how successful both of them are. She is the idiot here because she is staying with a man that doesn't truly want her like she wants him. You and others on the outside can clearly see what she can't......that she needs to move on. She may say she sees it but her actions prove otherwise.

I'm editing this to shorten it.

She doesn't love him, and she does see it all. She was her own worst enemy by moving in and giving up that contract to help him with his kids, his house, etc. But, she knows she needs to get out and do so in a strong position.

The thing that is tripping her up is that she has to play nice to keep the peace. She is also doing the counseling to try to support that illusion. But, she's very sincere and not cold-hearted. When she is intimate with him and when she sees any kind of progress, she starts to care too much. And, then his behavior hurts her, and she becomes paralyzed. She talks to him about it, and he gets mad, and then she gets hurt and paralyzed again.

Mostly, she is working on not letting anything he does hurt her and not letting anything he does get her too encouraged. She feels that if she can play nice without actually being affected by his behavior, she'll do okay getting out. But, she's very sincere, and this is hard for her. At this point, because of her sacrifices for her son and never demanding any help from his dad in order to protect her son, getting out is easier said than done. If she could walk out free and clear, she would.

So, she is responsive to encouragement and ideas. And, she's trying hard to make it happen.

Edited to shorten. Content added to previous post.

I concern myself with my own backyard.

You've given her advice, It's down to her to take action. You should take a step back but be there for her should she really need you.

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."

Regarding him looking elsewhere for sexual stimulation, it's a longtime habit of his. His ex pressured him to marry so she could quit her job and have babies. Once she had the babies, she refused to sleep with him. So, to stay with the kids, he just relied on porn, illicit online sex chats, etc. I don't know if he was actually physically unfaithful, but he has a habit of stimulating himself when she is right there and willing, and he's always done that with her, but not in a way that he thinks she notices. She thought it was really weird, but this happened even when things seemed great between them before she moved in. So, he does that whenever there is conflict, as an old habit. What is happening is that she will start to think things might be okay and then he does things that hurt her and she talks to him about it. He gets mad and then rejects her sexually and resorts to what he's used to--looking elsewhere without actually doing anything with anyone physically. She knows it's his problem, but it's still upsetting her as he hasn't been doing it that long with her that she's aware of (the chats and staring at other women when she's there). I've known her a long time and know her and her ex well enough that I know she's very, very nice in bed. So, it's not about willingness, attractiveness, or skill. It's about his habit of looking elsewhere instead of taking care of the relationship. She's used to men drooling over her as she's always been more attractive than she herself thought, and this is the very first time she's ever dealt with a relationship where the man is looking elsewhere, to her knowledge. That hasn't been something she's faced before. So, she's trying to accept it as just his problem.

I completely agree about being there for her. I am not trying to do it for her. But, I think it does help her to have a cheerleader. If she hadn't been so focused on her child's education, I think she would have remarried a very long time ago as she had plenty of suitors. This guy pressured her to go exclusive when she had several amazing men asking her out. She resisted, but, again, she gave in. The guy's profession is one that requires convincing people that he is right. Sadly, it worked on her when she went exclusive and then when she moved in.

I'm going to show her these posts, and she will take them seriously. For her, it's about being able to not feel hurt so she can focus. If she can get so that she is not complaining about his behavior but also not spending much time on him, she will probably have a stronger position. I have a feeling that if she can stop caring so much, he will notice that he doesn't have sway over her and will start treating her better. I just hope she doesn't lose sight of the fact that if someone who treats you that way is not worth your time even if they start chasing you again.

My hope is that the relationship counseling will encourage her by giving her some validation and inspiring him to treat her better. I keep telling her that she can still leave him if his behavior improves consistently. He's never going to treat her the way she deserves. I'm a big fan of this friend, and she's made a big difference in my life. So, I don't want to stand back and see her suffer without doing what I can for her.

That's a very interesting comment, Blondey. She knows she made unwise decisions, though. And, she knows that her ability to pull off the changes she needs to make in her situation is up to her.

In truth, he is a problem in her life, and she let him in. She knows that. She also knows that it's her job to turn the situation around so that he's a solution in her life and she can usher him out.

She's always been very independent in meeting her own needs but there for friends.

I can't really put her down for trusting this guy. She really hadn't spent much time dating when raising her son, despite her opportunities. And, he's a master manipulator in his job and his business dealings. It's not as though he showed his colors. By the time she had absorbed what was happening, she was pretty depleted. There were children involved, and she is the type of person who puts them first.

She sees this as a situation she'll emerge from stronger than she was before, and she's trying to take advantage of the situation in an appropriate way.

As for knowing details of her intimate moments, I don't know much more than I've shared. But, when you get to a certain point in life and know the same people for a long time, you become like family and at least for our group of friends, we can talk about just about anything. Most of us have scattered, but she and I have always stayed close. I also am not sharing anything that would identify her, so I don't mind sharing this.

So, copied and sent her this conversation. She said that it helped her to see what I wrote actually written out because she was able to see it almost as if she were a third person in the situation.

We've always teased her about her sexual finesse because her ex used to comment to the other husbands, so she had to laugh at that, and it was good to hear her laugh. It's been a while.

Contact "catfish" TV show

How do you classify her as a mate when you have a whole topic up about her?

It's none of our business.

This is very true. They have "affluenza" and don't appreciate all she's already done for them. Their house was trashed when she moved in and she's started to make it a home. However, it's their parents' training and attitudes that made them that way. Poor little rich kids.

Sadly, he's done NOTHING for her son, though her son had a significant need recently and he could have EASILY helped. So, she gets it.

The proof is in the pudding, as the old saying goes.

The really sad thing is that he told her early on that she had treated him better by far than anyone ever had in his entire life. Yet, he treats her the worst that anyone ever has in her life.

Another thing that is helping her is that her longtime male friends, all married, are boosting her spirits by telling her how hot and sweet she is, offering in jest to hire hit men to take the guy out, and otherwise making her laugh.

I think she'll be okay. I guess you could call this in a sense her "rebound relationship" from long time single parenting and just a rude re-entry into the active dating world. Frankly, she's getting a bit bolder than she was before just trying to hold her own with this guy, and I think she will benefit from that.

Thank you for your support, Blondey! It takes a village, even for adults, right?

Mercedes, I get what you mean, but there isn't really any way for anyone but her closest friends to know that this is about her.

JennyInWalnut, if your friend won't heed your advice, then what makes you think that she would heed the advice of complete strangers that you encountered on the Internet?