It’s funny how you have your whole future planned out and nothing ever turns out the way you hoped it would. And if it did, then **** you’re lucky. In my childhood I always envisioned my father supporting me whether I changed my career or decided to take up a cause, but I feel he silently protests my ambitions and aspirations. Sometimes I feel like I should have ended my life when I was 12 and was in that phase. I wouldn’t do it, but sometimes that’s how low I’ve felt about myself. Sometimes I still feel down, but I could never do such a thing. It’s funny dad, I live my life by your guidelines to make you happy. I pushed myself to disappoint you the least possible times. I went out of my way to push myself harder when there was no strength in my, just so you could smile. Remember how you always took me everywhere dad? Remember how it was rare for you to go somewhere without me? Remember how you told me that you would ALWAYS be my number one fan? Did these things only apply when I played soccer?

I can’t believe I gave you such power over me. You were the same man who went out of his way to help out his friends, family, even strangers. However, you make sure to beat me down or make a ****ed up remark every time I make a mistake and need your help. I guess you’ve forgotten all the times you’ve put me down, you’ve said hurtful things, or you purposely made me cry. I wonder how someone can be so cold towards their kids. Even to this day, I have done anything and everything you have asked have I not? However, all you think about are the times I’ve tripped and scrapped my knee. You’re no father to my youngest brother, but that dad, that’s a subject for another day. You belittle my gay friends because of their sexuality and assume they are all drug users. Don’t you remember that I am a lesbian? I don’t do drugs. According to you the majority gay people are drug users. That’s like saying the majority of Mexican people in the USA are illegal immigrants. That is an ignorant comment. Your other son is a pot head, and all he hangs around are criminals, nobodies, or users and you judge my friends the harshest because of their sexual preference?

You throw the word fag around freely. Anything not “macho” is to be called a fag or must be a fag. A man showing emotion must take it in the *** in your eyes. You call your youngest son a fag after you say ****ed up **** and get him teary eyed. He’s not a man because he shows emotion. He’s better than your other son, but because he shows affection he’s a fag. I can’t even think of a single reason as to why I ever looked up to you. I can’t believe you were once my hero. I cannot believe I thought you loved me. Hey dad, remember that father’s day that my mom was in Mexico and I saved up to take you out and enjoy your day…and you knew that? Yet, for whatever reason you blew me off and went to go drink with your nephews even though we had talked about father’s day for a few weeks beforehand. That ****ing hurt more than you could ever imagine. Why? Because you said you wanted to go out, and obviously you did, you just didn’t want to spend it with your kids.

When have you EVER told me you loved me? When have you ever given me a legit hug? When have you EVER given me an appraisal aside from soccer? My job isn’t a job and school, well it’s school. You offer to pay for my books, but I refuse and you can’t give me credit for trying to take care of my own things.


Yesterday Hilda called you. FINALLY after almost 8 years (it would’ve been 8 years November 10th) she actually wants to talk to you or wants something. Your eldest daughter, who walked out and didn’t think twice when it came to hurting you or your current wife and children gave you a ****ing phone call. I could tell you were happy. Your tone with her is gentle and your face lit up. This is the same daughter who took you for granted, was a ***** to my mother, and who is responsible for me being so angry, mistrusting, and was suicidal when I was 12. This is the same girl who wished I were gay so it would break your heart. The same girl who said you were physically abusive and an alcoholic. The girl who you bought everything for and turned your eldest son against you as well. Her phone call probably made your year. You gave her our address and even though you weren’t verbally affectionate I could pick it up in your tone. I’ve never heard that tone before, actually you talk to my pet chicken that way.

I hated myself because of her. I wanted to die because of the way she stated how she wanted me to hurt you by being gay. I don’t know if you are aware of this stuff, but I could never forget what Hilda did. I could never forgive her for using me and walking out of my life so many times and breaking my heart and promises.

Maybe now that’s she’s back, you’ll feel like a human being. Because to be honest I can finally say that I can give a **** less of what you think of me.

Really really deep, can relate to this BIG TIME.

much too sensitive a topic to give an opinion on here,, but there seems alot going on,,, I hope it works out for the whole family in the long run

very deep stuff my friend. I know how you feel. As hard as it is gonna be to do...you need to cut it lose. It's poison.

The whole family would not include my older "sister" or "brother". they don't know what family is...they can keep my dad for all i care.

So sorry hon, but as posted above, you do need to distance yourself and heal. You have so much to give and do, you deserve so much better, and only you can give yourself the chance to get it. When you put out the negative and take in the positive, you'll start to feel better, which will give you more hope and faith for a brighter, healthier future. Concentrate on YOU, what YOU want and need, and go for it. Hugs and best wishes.

I understand, but we only have one Dad , I know, I lost mine years back and my brothers had arguments with him they wish they could take back,,,,,noone is perfect,,,, I agree with the advice to spend some time healing,,,,but I still hope this family can ALL heal and move forward in love,,,

Not that I think it will really matter in the long-run, because I'm pretty sure you won't change your own feelings on this issue on account of a few people on the internet...but really, the above is some damn good advice.

Walk it off or forever hold it in your shadow, forgiving is always harder than forgetting...I've just never wanted to be a person on my death bed holding in regrets.

Okay like I said they aren't family. blood means nothing. She's my half sister who used me to destroy my family. I was only a kid when she did this. I was in therapy for 7 years. I wont ever forgive her, i would only allow her to come around to meet her son and see my nieces again. That is it. My dad has been no father. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm learning to not care about what he thinks or let him get to me.

=] thank you.

HAve you thought of going on a weekend spiritual retreat of some kind to heal your soul? You don't deserve this pain and never have. Shame on your family for being so judgemental. No child should have to jump throught hoops to try to earn their parents love which should be unconditional.
HIs homophobia is HIS problem, don't make it yours. Love is love. Doesn't matter if the giver is male or female or a dog for that matter. Love heals all wounds. Get as far away from these poison people so your can heal and find true love and happiness in your life.
I am glad you didn't take your own life when he said and did those hurtful things to you. You seem like a person with a huge soul and you have a lot of gifts to share with the world. Letting go of this hurt is the only way you will be able to move on and find happiness. Let it go.
I wish you all the best and will keep you in my prayers

Sounds like it is time to disconnect the dots and become your own man bro.

Apparently you got an example of what you DON'T want to become.....use that to your advantage. Many people have to overcome similar s**t. When you are capable of putting a roof over your head and food on your plate, you can turn your back on the negativities in your life instead of having them locked around your neck.

Best of luck homeboy.


Oh yeah....remind me later to screw with ya over the use of Vanilla Ice catch phrases.........dude!

I'm planning on going back to therapy and finally take the test work to find out what mental disorder I have, because it really affects my emotions. but thank you. I agree...

maybe you should let your father read this.

I am sorry you got so short changed in your family situation. It really stinks but that does not mean you are a bad person so give yourself the break you deserve and try to get away from this toxic situation and allow another family to love you.

What is wrong with your Dad that he is sucking up to someone who so clearly hates him also is hard to comprehend. Maybe in his own sick way he is trying to work his way down through the relationships he has screwed up.

Sad part is often siblings are pitted against each other and their relationships are poisoned too. I would encourage you not to hate your sibling for getting out or even coming back occasionally to try to figure out this messed up family situation. She probably has no more coping skills than you do and is just as miserable as you are.

I think most homo phobia speak is cowardice and fear that their own feelings are not clear in their minds. They have to have someone or something they think they are superior too and all they are doing is making themselves sound like malicious jerks knocking something they don't understand.

My advice is find yourself a Reconciling Ministry and allow your faith family to give you strength while you put your life together and let your anger fade.

Sounds like your father deeply loved you at one point. Maybe in time he will get his life in control and move forward with that same affection and committment. Stranger things have happen.

If you look at my profile you will see a father that stepped back in my life after 46 years. Is he a perfect Dad? No but he at least is making and effort and that is priceless. Good Luck.

Every family is far from perfect we all have our own issues but fogive and forget is my philosophy.

Family isn't just the blood relation at all. My dad was there for me no matter when I needed him. But he never let me be daddy's girl. He needed a boy and when he finally got one I was replaced and a nobody to him and that hurts more than anything. Every day for that matter. Let him figure out what he is missing. It will take a long time and it won't be easy but it will deffinitly will be worth it.

My point is you need to cut all the ties with people who have hurt you and start over completely. For yourself and your son. That is all that matters now. Even if that means moving far away from the hurt. I know this all sounds so easy and it's not going to be but you need to do what you feel is best for the 2 of you. Trust me I thought about it many times. Just too chicken I guess. But your very strong and I know you can do it.

If you family decides to come back into your life then that's their decision. Just don't hold a grudge too long because they are probably hurting just as much as you are. Try and stay positive and help them. Being positive goes alot farther than being negative and trust me you will enjoy life so much more. I use to be in your boat. You need to surround yourself with positive people. That's how I am getting through a lot of **** in my life right now. You deserve to be treated so much better and if you have positive friends in your life then you will see that. It won't happen over night but it will happen I promise!!

You have people who love and care about you alot. It can be hard to see at times I know but they do. I am so happy you didn't take your life because you have so much love and happiness to share with so many people. One day you will find that special someone and you will see what true happiness really is. I am going to keep you in my prayers and all the best for you