Hmmm....a slow and insidious grooming occurs.... a way of isolating the victim from friends, family...the pre-existing network of support....the ole 'All we need is each other baby'...

then when dependency has been established the slow move into subtle criticisms...rattling the self esteem of the other...reducing, confusing, keeping the victim 'off-kilter'...

perhaps financial control has been claimed....with some apparent generous suggestion attached to it.

...then the controlling behaviours rear their much nastier heads..

...a shove during an arguament..profuse apologies after...

the victim's head is spinning...confusion reigns...

'Did i cause that?'

...the victim asks themselves..

'I'll have to be less mean to him/her....he/she didn't mean to hit/push/yell/punch me...it was their anger/their temper/my fault...'


and so it grows...


the build up....the flashpoint....the apologies....the 'honeymoon phase'...the build up...the flashpoint...the apologies...the honeymoon phase..


onwards and onwards and onwards....

it never begins with a punch in the gob...it begins with 'CHARMING" behaviour...


literally, some women have been 'CHARMED' to their death.

Well said Jess, for some reason some think it is just a one two three punch ya get up and walk away after wards. Sooooo much more time and detail happens before they have them where they want them...

As sad as domestic abuse is, there is one thing far worse and even more reprehensible. False reporting and charging of domestic abuse. People who do this will burn in Hell for all eternity. Lives and relationships are completely devasted by such a cruel and malicious act. So anyone out there who's either done it or is thinking about doing it, may God have mercy on your soul, you will burn.

Amen my brother

Must amend this. If a man hits a woman for the heck of it, then yes, I agree. But a man does have the right to defend himself against a woman, and if he is unable to walk away, he should NOT be faulted for protecting himself.

Abusers use fear to keep the abused in line. I'm pleased to be seeing there are some shelters trying to set up safe homes for women children AND their pets, because there are many women who won't leave the animals.

this is a story i've heard many times, and that makes me very sad, as i've seen many a woman go through it, and the fact that it can't be seen coming is the worst part about it.....no warning signs, and no red flags....they know how to be the perfect gentleman...then they snap, litterally, in 24 hours in some cases, and on the very night of the wedding in others.

the really sad part about it is why, if they know how to be a perfect gentleman,.....isn't it easy to be that gentleman rather than put the energy in to be a D|ck and have constant eggshells and be controlling and mean?? that sounds like it takes ten times the energy to put forth.......illogical to me......

there are many reasons for victims to remain in that relationship. Only they know what is really going on. But (as someone has said) until you walk in a victim's shoes, then you don't know. It's easy to say "If a man ever hits me....." Many victims said that at one time, I'm sure.

And as EquusDancer, men should be able to defend themselves, as well. Women abuse spouses and kids too.

You pretty much have that right en pointe! And he would say, "If you'd just behave...", or, "If you did what I told you...", or "If you'd watch what you say....". It was always MY FAULT. And you are so correct about the money. He spent and used up credit limits like mad, and although I worked, I was also pregnant and not making nearly as much as he was. It really is a trap. And DarkOwl is right. It started on the honeymoon. A beautiful place, and as we are driving, he asks if we can pick up some porn to watch while we make love. How romantic. It felt like a steam train whooshed through my ears and my heart pounded out of my chest, and I thought, "What did I just get myself into?". And he was such a pathological liar, so all his lies unraveled over a short period of time after we married. Like his wanting to join swinger clubs and dress me up like a whore to "show off" to other men. Sick puppy, total patho!!
I spent a lot of time & money while working and pregnant having to go to counselors, women's shelters, etc., plus two times during my pregnancy at the ER because of him.
And, now he's married to wife #4 and I can only pray he's kept a lid on it for her sake. The law sure didn't do a thing about him. Unless they see the act, the major injuries, or you are dead, they walk away.

Its all going back to FEAR LOW SELF ESTEEM & LOVE .

Okay, let me hit the reset button here. Why do they stay? Well I would also include the men who are abused by women too, why do they stay. Most likely the same reason. Because of several reasons. They hope that somehow, someday soon it will all get better, they HOPE their significant other will one day see the light and what they are doing is wrong and hurting you. They stay because maybe somehow, they feel they are somewhat responsible for causing the abuse, as unjustified as it is. They stay because they fear the idea of throwing away years of a relationship they invested alot in. They stay because they dread the idea of starting over alone, and also might not have anyplace else to live. Abusive relationships are pretty horrible places to be, but sometimes for some, the abused might not have anywhere or anyone else to turn to, it happens, and it's a sad thing. So indeed you are right to a degree that it may be fear, low self esteem, and love. Not the person's fault really, but they do tend to explain why they stay, when so many people tell them to leave.

I was in an abusive relationship for a while and kept telling myself she would change and things would get better, but sadly they didn't and one day it went too far and she broke my arm by slamming it in the car door.

My advice to anyone that is in an abusive relationship is simple: leave. Things won't get better, they will only get worse. That goes for both sexes.

I think three good questions to define what is abusive(for me anyhow) are

1. Do you feel protected ,as opposed to at risk, with this person(I felt protected by my first husband,,although we did have one extreme physical altercation. The overwhelming majority of our relationship was a friendship with us both standing by each other)

2. Does this person agree, if things have gotten bad, that something has to change(my first husband wanted to change desperately after sending me to the hospital)

3. Are they showing you through WORKS the interest in changing(my husband went to counseling for a year and started going to church as well)


If the answer is yes to all three, and there is love,, hang on to it.

If the answer to any of thes is no,,,than leave.

i agree with you glad your out and safe ... verbal abuse is as bad as physical abused

there are many forms of abuse...within relationships..

physical, verbal, mental, financial, social...

and Sexual,,,,wink..just to add....

too true....I forgot that one...freudian slip perchance???

I MISS heartandsoul, she would have a BUNCH to say on this,,

ABUSE SUCKS,,,because ANY ABUSE,,,alter's the one being ABUSED.
AND ITS NOT AN EASY FIX TO COME OUT OF!
MOST CARRY THEIR UNSEEN SCARS FOREVER WITH THEM AND THEIR INNER FEARS

SOME STAY IN THAT RELATIONSHIP,,,TO THEIR DEATHS.

AND I COULD HELP ONE OUT OF ONE,,JUST TO HAVE THEM GO BACK INTO THAT


BECAUSE THEIR LOVE FOR THEIR NEED INSIDE TO FILL

IS AS GREAT THE PAINS THEY TAKE FROM THEM TO HURT THEM BY..

life was NOT designed to call compassions and caring for someone to INVOLVE HANDLING THEM,,IN ANYWAYS,,or DEGRADING THEM ALL THE TIME OR EVER,,,,OR TO MAKE THEM CRY FROM THE FEAR OF YOU.

A man should also be able to protect himself without striking a woman. I don't hit men, never have..and certainly don't condone a woman ever hitting a man. I don't think it is ever acceptable for a bigger stronger person to hit the smaller, weaker one. My oldest son dated a girl who would get drunk and hit him, he would restrain her to protect himself or walk away and finally after several incidences he left the relationship. He never hit her back...which I am glad for. One making bad choices and hitting another should not be justification for doing something we know is wrong. While I agree a man has the right to protect himself, I don't think that has to be hitting...and if he does it is to get even or a payback, as he should restrain her, or leave or both.

One would certainly hope they could get away before it became an issue, but let's be honest, it doesn't always happen that way. So, they should not have to put up with it. I'm not saying they should turn around and thrash the woman within an inch of her life, I'm saying he should have the right to defend himself enough to get away.

Your son was lucky enough to be able to restrain her, but that doesn't mean every man can, much less would know how.