Boom Boom

Found the best address in the world:
Mary Lykes,
The Cockwell Inn,
Tillet,
Herts

Try typing Mingle2 and user name into Google

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy’s up one by one.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, “You must be in the 4th grade.”
“No ma’am, ” he replied. “I’m the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh.”

One day a grocery store clerk was packing some produce when a woman approached him,

Woman: "Excuse me sir, I can't seem to find the broccoli. Could you point me in the right direction?"
Man: "Sorry ma'am, we are out until tomorrow morning when the shipment arrives. Check back tomorrow."

A few minutes later the man was stocking cereal and the same woman approached him with the same question.

Woman: "Sir, I cannot seem to find the broccoli, can you help me?"
Man: "I'm sorry miss, as I said earlier, the broccoli will be in tomorrow. Please come back then."

About ten minutes passed and the man is assisting deli when the woman approaches him yet again.

Woman: "Sir, I am sorry. I just can not seem to find the broccoli. Can you please assist me?"

It is quite obvious at this point that the man is irritated...

Man: "Miss, can you spell cat?"
Woman: "Of course, C-A-T."
Man: "Can you spell dog as in dogma?"
Woman: "Certainly. D-O-G."
Man: "Now can you spell broccoli with an F?"
Woman: "No, there's no F in broccoli?"
Man: "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU."

This is a story of success:
Having a chat with a bloke over a pint in the Moulders Arms.
I discovered he was worth around £4 million and he told me the amazing story of how he got so rich.
Basically, when he left school he had little or no formal qualifications but he was good with his hands and he knew how to sell.
He knew he was never going to make it in an office job so it was nose to the grindstone time.
He left school at 15 and bought an old series Land Rover and spent a few weeks fixing it up, he then sold it for profit.
He then used the money to buy another and so on.
He did this a lot over the next 35 years, buying, repairing, selling, buying again.
He eventually moved onto Defenders in the '90s and then onto Range Rovers in the last eight or nine years.
Even during the really bad times, he plugged away.
He worked long hours as you do in the Land Rover trade, sometimes not seeing his wife and kids for days in pursuit of his goal.
Then his uncle died and left him £4 million.

Man goes to confession and the Priest asks him if he has anything to confess.
"Well my wife was bending over the freezer to get some ice cream and I couldn't control myself,so I took her from behind."
The Priest,who knew the man well, replied that as he had only just got married, and his wife was very attractive,this was normal behaviour.
"Wel I wish you would tell the supermarket manager that because he has banned us both for 6 months."

I've often found that it is not just age people lie about on here but also location and using someone else's photo

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said:
"It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade but acceptable”.
"That's correct”, said the boss.
Another glass:
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results”.
"Correct”.
A third glass:
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive”, calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and - if I don't get the job - I'll name the father”.

For a few years this man was having an affair with this Italian girl. One day she confides in him and says she is pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know anything he said he would pay for the child. So how would he know when it was born she asked ?. He said just send me a postcard with the word SPAGHETTI on it and you will get the money every month. So 9 month's passes and a postcard arrives his wife says you have a postcard my love. So he reads the card. It says.. SPAGHETTI SPAGHETTI. SPAGHETTI. SPAGHETTI. SPAGHETTI. Three with meatballs. Two without. Please send extra sauce. The poor man fainted.

Q What is the worst thing to step on in the dark ?

A Someone else's foot when you live alone.

Happy New Year to all on Mingle2

Merry Christmas to all and may it be filled with love,peace and happiness

Borrowed...
I saw a girl busking today. She had a great voice, and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.
"Any requests?" She asked the watching crowd.
"Your thong," I replied with a wink.
Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.
It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp ...

Happy 21st Birthday
May your day be filled with love,happiness and peace

How to catch a polar bear.
1- go out onto a frozen lake.
2- cut a hole in the ice to expose the water.
3- place peas all round the hole in the ice.
4- when the bear comes out for a pea, kick it in the ice hole.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"Certainly sir, that'll be a penny."
"A penny? ' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"Ten pence " the barman replied.
"Ten pence?" exclaimed the man, “so where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here"....