The Priest of a small village was very fond of his flock of ten hens and a cockerel.
He kept them in a hen house behind the parish, but one Saturday night, the cockerel was missing.
The priest, suspecting fowl play decided to say something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, has anyone got a cock? To which all the men stood up.
"No,no," he said, somewhat flustered, "that's not what I meant. "Has anybody SEEN a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That's not what I meant either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." Half the women stood up.
"No, no," He said, now thoroughly embarrassed "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen MY cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

I think they mean that the majority of photo's they see are not of the account holder and copied from the internet.....

A young man And his girlfriend driving down a dark road at night. He says why don't you strip of no one will see you. So she thinks about it and says Why not. So she strips off and the Man takes a quick look and crashes the car. He is trapped by his arm and can't get out. He says my darling you will need to go for help. She says I can't find my clothes and can't go out everyone will see me. The Man gives her his shoe and says cover It up with this. So she starts walking and finds this small garage. She goes in And says can you please help me. My boyfriend is stuck. The garage owner looks at her and says. My dear if he is that far up you have no hope

Three months ago I ordered a book called "How To be A Successful Online Scammer".
I'm still waiting for it to arrive......

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the
Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive
More than a day or two..'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it
Out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see
yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her
Shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.......she consented and he
fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was
Sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
Give Life..'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get
the hell out of here!'

Try Amazon too

Still no joy as old version keeps popping up

DoofusMaximus.

Thanks for the info and will give it a try

I've been using Audials One for many years with no issues.
When I purchased Audials 2021 earlier this year,I removed all previous versions from my pc via "programs and features".
However,when I restart Audials 2021 to install software updates the 2019 version keeps appearing.
Their support team have suggested deleting all related files from registry which sounds drastic as I could accidentally remove something important.
Has anybody on here had this issue and can anyone please advise or give suggestions ?

Thank you.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren"; and “poof”, she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna and “poof”, she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says "
No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."!!!!!!!!!!

Old woman goes into a supermarket to buy a couple of tins of cat food.
The girl at the checkout says "sorry you can't buy that without proof that you have a cat, because some pensioners are eating it".
So she goes and comes back with the cat and purchases the cat food.
A day or two later she returns for dog food,
the same answer "sorry you can't buy that without proof that you have a dog, because some pensioners are eating it".
Brings the dog in. A further day passes and the pensioner returns with a box.
She says to a girl on the checkout, "Put your hand in there", "No...!! there might be a rat or a snake in there" the girl said,
"it's quite safe" the pensioner said.
So the girl puts her hand in the box
" OH GOD!! That feels like poo".
Yes, can I have 4 toilet rolls, please?
DON'T MESS WITH PENSIONERS, WE HAVE A LOT OF TIME ON OUR HANDS TO PLAN REVENGE AND WISDOM TO EXECUTE IT

Good one!!!!!!!

A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn. She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle. Next, she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, "Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?" The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. You are! I'm gonna burn down the barn!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!"

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:
Dear Mrs. Harris:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Simply put, a cougar is an older woman who seeks a relationship or sex with significantly younger men.

I'm taking viagra for my sunburn.

Although it won't cure it but at least it will keep the sheets off my legs.

My friend in Dublin is retiring on Friday and is taking up meditation.
He says it is better than sitting around doing nothing.

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