I'll see ya in Guam!

You forgot the biggest one of all, my dear.

Hurry up & wait.

They took the stop sign down. So I don't have to stop here anymore.
A woman actually said this to a cop after turning into the front of my truck. I didn't have to stop either.

What do you call a kid, with no arms or legs, in a pile of leaves??


Russel


What do you call a kid, with no arms or legs, in a swimming pool??


Bob

You can be a Master Baiter or a Jerk-Off.

But you can't do them in public.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Dwain!

Dwain who?








Dwain the bathtub, I'm dwowning!!

I fricken' loved that!!!!

From a strictlymathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give more than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life??

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%


But,


A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%


And,


B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%


AND, look how far this will take you.


A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%


So, one can conclude with mathmatical certainty that while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there, it's the bulls-h-i-t and a-s-s-kissing that will put you over the top.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishoners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelations 3:20" on the back of it & stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10".

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.


"A cheerful heart is good medicine" (Prov. 17:22)