It has been hours since we have spoken and in truth it has been days since we have talked. With each passing hour I feel the distance grow.
Maybe it is time, past time, but I must say it hurts.
You use to captivate me with your life and you filled my days when I laid here in pain and you took the loneliness from a very dark place away.
I never meant to be a burden.
I never meant to be anything at all to you, but you woke my heart and gave me hope.
You made me need and you made me feel.
And now that's all I have are feelings!
Is life not cruel?
I am sorry I kept you.
I am sorry I bitched.
I am sorry I was and am not what you need.
Maybe I was wrong to make you my refuge, my salvation.
But you let me use you as a tourniquet.
You helped mend the wounds and because of that I became dependent.
The nights still scare me but you can not be my savior or my light anymore.
The monsters are all back out like a plague and I have no hero to fight them off.
I did not build this world I live in alone.
Back inside myself I go to protect my heart again.
To save myself from me,from the pain that's to hard to bare alone.
This time a steel frame never to be tore down again.
No more dreams.
No more disappointment.
No more, no more
I did everything to fight you and you saw me at my weakest and you knew what I had to to give and I gave it.
And now it is not enough.
I am being irrational...huh?
Leave me to wonder
Leave me without someone to talk to.
Leave me here to bleed these tears from my eyes.
Leave me to never ever love again.
There is no going back, the words you used cut my heart to shreds and deep.
I heard you loud and clear.
And with each hour that passes between us without so much as a word I build the wall around my heart.

It's so simple really,
It's not complicated, not at all to me.
But you ,well, you just cant see.
Have you really tried?

There is or will never be anyone else, Ever again.
I gave you my heart and soul.
And it is yours to keep.
There really is no more of me to give.

You are all the dreams I could ever have or ever want.
You are all I could ever have needed.

Your voice, your laugh,and your words are what has kept me going.
On the days I dont hear from you my heart skips a beat.
And I know it is what I deserve.
sometimes it is better to remember and be in pain than to not feel you at all.
As much as it hurts, and it hurts deeply.

I loved once, so much I gave it my all, and when I lost him I lost "me"..

Once again I gave what I could, I gave you what I had to give.
My heart and my soul, and I am losing "me"again!

I am fighting the battle of a liftime, a battle I dont know if I can win.
But I am trying to do what is right and protect those I do love the most..
You and those Girls...
I know you hate me and you have that right..
But I am trying to protect you from the pain.
Is that not my right?

You call it "Life". I call it "Death".
It hurts so much all the same!

I never ment to hurt you, and no this is no game.
I never ment to let you down, or for us to dare to dream and be gone..
You have to know this is not only hard on you, but it is hard on me to..

I am sick and I have a broken heart.

Sometimes I am in so much pain I dont even know my name.
Sometimes I throw up so hard I lose control- Control over everything.
Sometimes I am so paralized with fear that the only thing that moves are the tears that slide
down my face.
At times I dont even know if it is day or night, or even what day it is.

My head plays tug of war.
To fight or not to fight..
Do I live in sickness and pain or give up and live as normally as I can..
For as long as that might be?

If only I could see where the end results will take me.
Can I beat this, do I have it in me?
You believe I can, do I believe in you?

They want to cut me apart, my heart is all-ready gone...
So nothing that is left really matters in the end.

It's simpley really not that simple -

I am tired of trying and to tired to care...
I am tired of living, but to tired to die...
The sun is shining, but the clouds never leave..
The darkness is a warm welcome to me...

There is a war raging over seas and right here in my heart...
The tears you told me to let go and cry
use to flow freely are now frozen...
So many unspoken words run through me...

The hurt runs deep, so deep...
The wounds will heal, but the scars are all there for those to see..
The words of love might slip my tongue,
but they are no longer from the heart...

Words spoken about love do not reach me, I am cold....
There is no going forward, no going back...
Today turns into tomorrow and tomorrows turn into yesterdays...

Yesterdays pass and then lead to one week and then two...
And then one by one the months slip with nothing changing,
but the time....

The pain inside stays...Nothing new...
The hurt is what now carries me from day to day...
If it were not for the pain I would feel nothing at all...

The apology now would only be heard on deaf ears...
The time that passes only fills the rage...
Once you leave your gone I am done that's that....

Yet I find myself waiting...waiting....waiting for?
Time heals all wounds they say, but who has time to wait?
Is this my fate?
Will the pain ever stop?

Where will I go from here?
I am not afraid to die...
I am more afraid to live without you...

I was fine before you,at least I told myself I was...I believed in me...
You were like the drug my soul needed...
Maybe I became to addicted, Maybe we were not at all....
It was to good to be true...I called it... I knew it... I told you...

I laid in the bed wasting time away dreaming of
something that was never going to be...
"That is what it was", it was a "bad" good dream...
But the promises seemed so real...I wanted it to be so bad...

Then faith and hope became apart of it...
What right did you have to make me believe...
What right did you have to leave me after you filled
my heart with your love...

Another heartache wont kill me, that is not my luck...
So I await the silent one, the one I have been fighting...
The one you conned me into believing I could beat...
I am done, I surrender,I no longer will deny what is meant to be.

There is no more fight left in me, Its over, its the beginning of the end...
Go ahead and laugh some more at my expense..
I know you will and who am I to deny you of this..
I deserve it for the fool I have been...

No one can tell me that love is free..
Love cost me everything...



Sasha Lynn

Why did you choose me to talk to that night we met. When all I did was compliment your music like the hundreds before me?
Why did you choose me to be your friend when clearly you have so many...
Was hurting me in "Gods" plan? Or just yours?

When you meet God in a latter life what will you say to that?
What excuse will you give him for hurting something you swore was a gift from him?
What will you say when he asks why did you hurt the one thing you swore was your forever, your angel?

Why did you hurt me bad?

Why did you choose me?
Why did you let me in , why did you let me let you in?
God what were you thinking about?

When you meet God in a latter life are you going to tell him you let me go because I was
no good for your soul?
Why did you choose me to be the one you crushed, you took everything.
When God asks why what will you say to that?

Why did you choose me when you knew how desperately I wanted to be a mother.
And you told me I could. You let me believe it was going to happen.
But I was afraid at times I would be no good...
Why did you choose me to tell me I deserve them?
Why did you choose me to give me that hope and take it back?

Why did you choose me when I repetitively failed you with every test that came back positive for more and more cancer.
Why did you choose me when I repetitively failed you when I could not get my fears under control.
I repetitively asked you to let me let go but you never did.
You made me feel you understood and you asked that I give you a chance.
You made me feel it was all going to be okay
Was hurting me in "Gods" plan? Or just yours?

I would like to meet your God when I am done with this life to ask him,
how can one person be hurt so much
Why did he choose me to hurt me so bad.
Why did he choose me I'll never understand.
God what were you thinking about, why did I not matter?


I want to ask God what happened to the man I fell for
Here is the question I need to know
How could he be so selfish and unkind...

God why did you choose me and bless me with these hands that I keep being dealt.
Why did so many things go wrong
Why did you choose him to hurt me so very bad
I will never understand

I would like to meet your God and ask him what he was thinking about.
God what were you thinking about?
Did you forget all the good that I have done?
All the pain my life has brought?

Why did you choose me on that one night
Why did I deserve to be hurt
I would really like to know why

Was hurting me in "Gods" plan? Or just yours?

Sasha Lynn Rhoades

SOUL DEEP....
There were no words to be said....
There were no words needed...
He came along with his Armour and steed
and he swept her away...
He gave his self without a thought....
Looking deep ion her eyes and seeing the fear....
He knew she had been hurt so he held on tight....
Not letting go even when she put up a fight....
He put down his sword and fought her tears with words
of encouragement and warmth....
He saw a brave girl and felt her deep in his soul....
And he questioned what has happened to his self discipline....
The more he looked in her eyes the more he felt his self spin....
His wall of Armour all forgotten, the wall he had around his heart
was being taken down with each day they were together....
and when she laughed it comforted him, and when she cried
it was his sleeve he offered.....
Sometimes he would just listen to her breath...
And she he....
At first she fought the comfort he brought to her soul....
She felt unworthy of a man so deep....
The past tortures and haunts her....
Can this brave man be enough to take it all away....
Would she let it be....
He went up against her will and fought so hard for her....
But she knows down deep that he is in conflict with his own soul....
He gave more of himself than he had to offer...
She listens to the words he speaks and wonders what it is he is not saying....
But she feels the power of his needs....
It envelopes her mind body and soul....
Sometimes she feels him reaching out to her,
But when she reaches back to take him in he runs...
Not sure where to go from here...
Not sure what to do....
She wipes the tears from her eyes and smiles....
She smiles at what they have.....
At where they are...
And she knows that when and if the journey ends he will
always be deep in her soul....
Together they are for now and that's all
she can ask for....
Tomorrow was never promised...
She knows he is a free spirit and someday he will don his Armour again
and in her minds heart she will never let him be anything less than what needs to
be.....

A Smile.
Something so simple, so Sublime
Powerful …
It Intoxicates minds…
Lowers defenses..
Prevents offenses
A smile…
Fosters peace, Allows ease…
Stops time, speeds up time,
you know the deal?
A smile…
Positive energy… Radiated
Often reciprocated.. Never Duplicated…
My smile
A beacon in stormy weather
A life raft in choppy seas … You know the deal?
Life…
Deals you a raw deal sometime
All you have is your smile…
When despair threatens to derail the happy hope train.
Your ambition, it wants to tame…
You cant place blame.
Smile.
Yes a smile,
rescuing, guiding
Lighting up, recharging the soul…
Without it, I would certainly feel old.
Yes a smile
Something so simple, so sublime…
So smile.

You are a beautiful writer and I want to thank you for your gift.
Those who get to read your writings are very blessed.



SashaLynn

He whispered softly into her ear
and he told her that it was she he had been
waiting for all these years, for all of his life
That he had been waiting for this very moment for so long

He told her that her life was over as she knew it.
That he had given her his heart and soul
There was nothing left in him, she had it all.

He wisperd in her ear that she was
the answere to his prayers

He wiped the tears from her eyes and he
promised that his days were her days.
That they would be together for as
long as there forever was for.

He wisperd to her that with a love like theres
nothing could stand in there way..

He told her that there will be
somethings that will touch there
lives, good and bad.

That some people will come into there lives to stay,
And others will pass through...

But that no matter what life brings them
there love would always remain the same.

He held her hands in his and told her
that one day they would look back on time
and see that love does conquere all.

She reached up to him
and touched hisa loving face
and looked into his eyes.

And she wisperd into his ears that he to
had been the answere to her prayers.
That she had given him her heart and her all
belonged to him.

She wisperd to him that on the long hours and days
they were apart he was her reason.
He was a gift she new and the why she could not give in,
she would not give up.

As she reached up and wiped the tearss from his eyes
she wipersd to him that even from afar she felt his love
so strong.
She felt him hold her when she was lonely and scared.
It was his strength and his believe in them that got her through.

She wisped to him that she had waited for him all
of her days and that her heart was his to have and
to hold as long as there forever was for.

She told him there was no greater love than what she
felt for him.

They embraced one another
and knew from this day on that
there to hearts would beat as one

With love hope and faith, family and friends
love does conqure all...

Sash

lay awake at night,
with thoughts of you...
Skin so soft,
Your touch so strong.

I listen for your voice,
to hush me to sleep...
The silence rushes through me,
and I begin to weep.

Tears of sadness,
trickle down my cheek...
My heart is strong,
but my emotions are weak.

I reach to the night,
and the stars above...
Aching for comfort,
your touch, and your love


I am confused and scared
knowing in my head …
There is distance between us
Because I said

Sighs of regret
I haven't the time…
A battle alone I fight
Trying to protect what’s mine

I whisper into darkness
My confessions of fear …
Does it really mater
Can anyone hear

I reach to the night,
and the stars above...
Aching for comfort,
your touch, and your love

Time of truth, time for honesty
I have said I don’t need you here…
You have always given me that
But in fact I so need you near.

Its out of control, always was
These true feelings of love that just begun…
I’m starting to truly believe it.
Out of the dark here comes the sun

I’m letting go, letting you in
I ‘m going to give you all of me...
You have given me your hope.
Together you say we are meant to be.

I reach to the day light
And to the blue sky’s above
Aching for comfort
Your touch,and your love

No distance , no more miles
Our souls together at long last...
We’ll fight the battle and win
All the hurt and confusion in the past

It’s a new beginning. A start
Thoughts of us replace any sadness with smiles...
There’s no longer reason to hide
People will know our love story for miles.

I found you my best friend.
Thank you for not just going, walking away...
You are my strength, my everything.
I’ll spend forever making you glad you stayed.

I reach to the day light
And to the blue sky’s above
Aching for comfort
Your touch,and your love


From my heart to yours.....

Sasha Lynn

I do not have any children, but I am a nurse and work with children all the time.
Thank you for taking the time and reading my words.
Thank you for your blessings and your kind words. May you be watched over and blessed today and always.


Sash

Matters of the heart
Shatteres in the dark
Organs left in parts( if left up to them) ( the doctors)
Snotty sleeves leave wet trails on the staircase rails.The tears wont stop.
In home all alone
In home not alone, just lonely, not in my home, a stranger, in a strange place.
Independent, independence at the cost of losing, you!
Intuitive suicide.
That's what you get when all alone, second guessing..
Initiated conversation, but very one sided.
You are all but gone.
Inward confessions, infesting inside, over you leaving..
causing impressive regressions...Poor me.
Love outlined in diaries and journals and poems
that will never meet the eye..
Cries are easier heard than the told explanations.
I tried to make you see, to hear, to understand, I tried..
The hearts experiments turned and torn up.
Inquisitions over who is wrong or who is right, does any of it matter in the end.
Both of us lonely. Loneliness invading the heart....Well it is for me.
One hearts nation versus another.
Making our happy times a battlefield.
Where hate lies in silent awareness.
My life is a mosaic of pain.
Pain that makes me feel uncertain and shame.
Some days are filled with doubts and fears
Screams and shouts.
Hand over mouth because no one must know.
No one must see the pain that lies just beneath
ready to in gulf and take what is left.
Darkness once was dreaded and now craved
So I can be just me.
A burning desire to know if life is done with me.
Never really wanting answerers
My life torn apart
A love lost, a lover gone
anguished screams never leaving the lips.
Fake smiles for all the people on the outside to see.
A fake happiness makes for a better day.
Matters of the heart dealt with when darkness cloaks me
like a long lost friend.
So many questions
So many whys
Life has so many chapters and
to many goodbyes...


Sash

Thank you so mcuh for your kind words. I am touched that you liked it.

Mr. Piano Man....

Strong and gentle fingers
caress the piano keys
using each finger so expressively
sometimes soft waves of emotions played
Puts us in a trance like a love
potion

Rhythmic fingers working effortlessly
to make harmonious music for you
and me
Intertwining each tone so subtly.
sometimes it becomes a storm of
thunderous crashing notes
captivating the heart taking you over

His hands become one
connected to the keys that play
so beautifully.
No longer the caress, but domineering.
Pounding out each note commanding each one to follow his lead.
Feel the emotions ravage you .
feel them take you higher and higher, leaving you
wanting more, leaving you wanting it to never end
Do not stop Mr. Piano Man...

Listening to his music, sweet music
It comes from his fingers, his mind and his soul.
To capture you and take you with him
on highs and lows
Hear the melody reach its moans,
feel the sighs it drags from your insides,
with no warning...

And than it is over as fast as it began
His now tired hands have left you
shaking to the core.
His fingesr leave the black and white keys that played the chords
And you cant help but want to plea...
Play another song Mr. Piano Man
Please play one more for me

Baby boy version.....





MY BABY BOY......

I find myself standing over your
crib again.
I needed to see your peaceful face,
as you lay fast asleep...

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

I weep as I bow my head close to yours and
in a hushed whisper I pray...

I ask the Lord to let me be the Mommy
I know I could be.
To please let me be the hand that guides you.
The voice that praises you.
The one that showers you with confidence and love that will
nurture you and make you the beautiful man I know
in my heart you will be..

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

As my eyes are closed and I pray,
I see your life play out in my mind baby...

I see you take your first steps to
my out reached arms...

I see you grow into a little boy chasing balls and running free...

I see the sunshine in your face as you play on the football team ...

I see your grown hand reach out to wipe the tears
that are fallen down my face as we pack the car
and your off to your college years...

And than I see you dance holding her tight,
Your bride all dressed in white, as we let you go so you can
statrt your married life...

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

I slide my hand down in your crib and place your tiny hand in mine
and gather the strength I need to slip the scarf of my now bald head
and I lay it at your tiny feet....

I ask the Lord to bless us and to mend us
to take the cancer from me,to help us understand,
and to help us win this fight....

Mommy is glad you are to young to know or understand what exactly
the cancer had taken from me...

I took mommy's hair away and some of her dignity
and pride...
It made Mommy's clothes big and it makes her cry...
It takes some of Mommy's time away from her child,
but it will never ever take her love...

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

As you lay there I whisper in your ear
to always remember this,
You were his child first and a gift to me...

You will be in my heart today, tomorrow and forever.
there is no distance to far for a mothers
love to reach her child...

you are so purse so innocent and sweet...

In his name we pray...

AMEN

I was inspired to write this....I dont know why...but it is what it is....




MY BABY GIRL....

I find myself standing over your
crib again.
I needed to see your peaceful face,
as you lay fast asleep...

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

I weep as I bow my head close to yours and
in a hushed whisper I pray...

I ask the Lord to let me be the Mommy
I know I could be.
To please let me be the hand that guides you.
The voice that praises you.
The one that showers you with confidence and love that will
nurture you and make you the beautiful women I know
in my heart you will be..

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

As my eyes are closed and I pray,
I see your life play out in my mind baby...

I see you take your first steps to
my out reached arms...

I see you grow into a little girl who pulls the petals
from a daisy chanting, he loves me, he loves me not..

I see the sunshine in your face as you are
cheering the football team on...

I see your grown hand reach out to wipe the tears
that are fallen down my face as we pack the car
and your off to your college years...

And than I see you dance as your daddy holds you tight.
All dressed in white and we are letting you go to start a life
and become a wife....

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

I slide my hand down in your crib and place your tiny hand in mine
and gather the strength I need to slip the scarf of my now bald head
and I lay it at your tiny feet....

I ask the Lord to bless us and to mend us
to take the cancer from me,to help us understand,
and to help us win this fight....

Mommy is glad you are to young to know or understand what exactly
the cancer had taken from me...

It took mommy's hair away and some of her dignity
and pride...
It made Mommy's clothes big and it makes her cry...
It takes some of Mommy's time away from her child,
but it will never ever take her love...

You are so pure,so innocent and sweet...
And I find it hard to believe you are really mine!

As you lay there I whisper in your ear
to always remember this,
You were his child first and a gift to me...

You will be in my heart today, tomorrow and forever.
there is no distance to far for a mothers
love to reach her child...

you are so purse so innocent and sweet...

In his name we pray...

AMEN

He pleaded for her to listen and he said to her
God please please come home and let me in...

And to him this is what she said.
I'm all ready there ...
I'm in the air that you breath...
I'm the sunlight that touches your skin...
I'm the breeze that cools your face....
I'm your dreams...
And all that I do is in preparation to come home to you...

He said to her but I need you here now...

And to him this is what she said....
Take a look around ...
That familiar smell of perfume in the wind...
The voice you hear in the crowd....
That feeling you feel when you think you feel someone near,
that is me.....
And when you are down and sad know that when you are missing me
I am missing you...

He said to her but I want to touch you.

And to him this is what she said...
You have touched me and I have touched you...
Your love has weaved its way around my heart and we are
connected....
We are soul mates through and through...
Your the hand that guides me each day...
Your why I am fighting, and never lose sight...

And he said to her in a pleading way..
But I need to feel you

And to him this is what she said...
Feel me with every heart beat...
Feel me with each accomplishment you make...
Feel me when a smile crosses your lips....
Feel the pride I am bursting with inside for you..
Feel how hard I fight the fight to get to you....

And than he said when....when....

And this is what she said to him...
She pleaded with him to listen to her words
and to remembers that in time they will
stand face to face,and be hand in hand
and there will not be any words needed...
There heart will say all that needs to be said...

She reminded him that when was not significant,
that it did not matter wether they meet here or somewhere else.
Soon or in the future there love will keep them together forever....




Sash