Terry,
It always means so much when you give me compliments...Someday I will write as well as you do, Thank you ,thank you ,thank you!!!

You woke to another morning coverd in sweat,
thanking God another night is over...

Your eyes feel as though they were never closed,
but when your mind replays the dreams you know that is'nt true...

Each day becomes a game, you stay as busy as you
possibly can to keep the memories at bay...

It's a game you know you will lose,
But it is a game often played...

Each day you awake you know you have nothing anymore,
because all that matterd is gone...

The reality is you just exist, your body takes over when
your mind can not function any longer...

With each breath brick by brick you build your wall.
This time your wall is taller and stronger...

This time you realize the heart of the truth is you have
learned that you yourself can not be trusted...

To hell with love you say, it takes to much effort...
To hell with love it takes to much of you..
To hell with love it takes up to much time...

So the wall is built to keep you in and the feelings
of love out..

It's safer that way than no one gets hurt....

The tears are gone and yes the sheets are still cold,
but it is okay because you know you are in control...

Slowly you step forward and you stop
looking back...

It no longer matters that in a crowded room full of people
you still feel alone...

You closed the door on a chapter in your life,
it was not going the way you had invisioned it should go...

Walking, walking away because you could not stand
the preasure....

When it was good it was way good,but the miles apart made it bad.
So bad you could not close the distance with hope...

The doubts you had about yourself were more than you could take,
Because it started within and the seed of doubt was planted.

The seed sprung open and poisend your mind, your heart and
your soul...

To hell with love you say, it takes to much effort...
To hell with love it takes to much of you..
To hell with love it takes up to much time...

The music you started hearing was not the love ballads from the days
before,and dam that hurt...

The person you saw yourself becomming was not
the person you wanted to be...

Being shut out was not in the plan no matter the reason
behinde the excuses...

No matter how the foundation was built everything can be undone,
Yes it is as simple as that...

With a bruised ego and wounded pride you picked up what is left of
your heart,No matter the cost you hold on to it tighter...

You look at what you had and where you are going and no matter
what you dont allow yourself to stop....

In time you know those feelings you feel will fade,
Time does heal all wounds, and memories are just those...

To hell with love you say, it takes to much effort...
To hell with love it takes to much of you..
To hell with love it takes up to much time...

And it all ends the same, you lose.....




Sasha

Terry,
You need to be published.... You are so good!
What a gift you have. Do not give up there is always hope.
And please do not ever stop writing. What a sad day that would be.


Sash

Mr. Piano Man....

Strong and gentle fingers
caress the piano keys
using each finger so expressively
sometimes soft waves of emotions played
Puts us in a trance like a love
potion

Rhythmic fingers working effortlessly
to make harmonious music for you
and me
Intertwining each tone so subtly.
sometimes it becomes a storm of
thunderous crashing notes
captivating the heart taking you over

His hands become one
connected to the keys that play
so beautifully.
No longer the caress, but domineering.
Pounding out each note commanding each one to follow his lead.
Feel the emotions ravage you .
feel them take you higher and higher, leaving you
wanting more, leaving you wanting it to never end
Do not stop Mr. Piano Man...

Listening to his music, sweet music
It comes from his fingers, his mind and his soul.
To capture you and take you with him
on highs and lows
Hear the melody reach its moans,
feel the sighs it drags from your insides,
with no warning...

And than it is over as fast as it began
His now tired hands have left you
shaking to the core.
His fingesr leave the black and white keys that played the chords
And you cant help but want to plea...
Play another song Mr. Piano Man
Please play one more for me

It is a beautiful thing to share ones problems, lives, hurtles and happy times in words that everyone can relate to in some way.
We all have a connection, we all have a heart and they beat in the same way and our blood is the same color....


Thank you all for reading and giving me your thoughts and words.
We are all artists in our own ways...

Have a blessed day...


Sasha

The little girl all tatterd and torn with tears in her eyes that
wont fall talks to the the only one thing she feels is her friend.

The only one who knows the hate that burns her throat and fills her
gut even on days that food is only a thought.

She talks and tells her dog of the days she wont feel the pain anymore, she talks of the lovely places mommies and daddies dont
fight and argue,where parents love there little children,
Where there are no bruises and no pain.

She holds her dogs close and bares all.

She thinks this time she will tell Grandma, but next when she sees
grandma everything is so perfect that she does not want to spoil it
by talking about something so ugly and bad.

When Grandma is there it is always a treat. There is food to eat and
everything smells good.

Mommy and daddy stop yelling,the hitting stops,and so do the
midnight calls.

Everyday the little girl prays for "Grandma days". But to often they
are few and far apart.So in the silience of the night she takes what
she knows is comming.

She sees the tail-tale sighn by the dawns early light, the ugly
bruises that mark her other wise pretty pink skin.

Even though her heart is broke she goes on and on..

Everyday she wishes she could understand why she is put on this earth.

Everyday she wonders why her? Why cant anyone see the truth of the lie she lives in.

Weeks and months and years go by,her little dog stay at her side watching as the tears pour and the hate mounts.

And yet she goes on and on...

But one can only take so much and as her mother lies sleeping in the next room she takes a knife and just like the scene from her mothers favorite show she slides the knife in deep...

The pain is there but not like the pain he has inflicted on her body and deep down in her soul.

She weeps as the blood seeps out worried about who will take care of the one thing in life she adores.

She closes her yes and sees life as it should be...peaceful

She just goes on and on...

No more tears no more fright, no more hiding the ugly secret that binds there family tight.

No more hate and no more pain, all the fear runs out of her with the warth of the blood.

No more unanswered questions spoken to those who wont listen.

She just goes on and on...

The sweet feel of freedom takes the pain from her face and the tears leave her eyes and a smile crosses her lips as she slips to the palce she long awaited to go.

she knew in her heart that her life long companion would understand
as she slipped away and went on and on.....

It is a beautiful thing to share ones problems, lives, hurtles and happy times in words that everyone can relate to in some way.
We all have a connection, we all have a heart and they beat in the same way and our blood is the same color....


Thank you all for reading and giving me your thoughts and words.
We are all artists in our own ways...

Have a blessed day...


Sasha

In there eyes I see the tears ...
In her voice I hear the fear...
A grown ups choice she has made in life
Two boys of her own she has
And alone she is ...
So many mistakes she has made where does she go to make
it right.
A fight to be heard she has to make, in our cruel world.
They say she is old enough to have a child, but to young to have
it stopped.
Birth control they say, how fool proof is that...
One only has to look at the children she has for that answere.
A job she found, but it takes two to make it...
Who will raise the babes..
A babysitter will take all of what is theres..
Where is the fairness in that?
When will life ease up?
Does it?
There are times when she feels the sky is crashing down.
The precious memories of being young all but gone.
But the two reasons she gets up for and goes on, they look
apon her with the eyes of an innocent child and she recalls
why it is she takes it all...
The two boys that are hers they do not judge her for her mistakes
but love her for who she is and care nothing about what was wrong or right..
Her two boys that she is so proud of
keep her grounded..
And because of them she will grow and she will fight for whatever she has to in life.
At the end of the day she has to babies that are worth all the tears and all the fears....

At the risk of everything
I want you
No, I don't want you
I need you..
A diffrent animal
needs to be satisfied
No matter the consequences
so name your price-
Piedpiper
I am here to pay you
wants are luxuries
Needs are necessities
I need you
This is a matter of survival...
cant breathe without you
I need you
At the risk of everything
I want you
No,I don't want you
I need you...
A diffrent animal
needs to be satisfied
no matter the consequences
so name your price....
Piedpiper,
I am here to pay you...
wants are luxuries
needs are necessities
I need you
This is a matter of survival...
Cant breath without you
I need you-

You are a treasure, a gift that keeps on giving.
I love your writing even when they come from pain they are so real, so full of life and they give us hope......

Thank you!

I have tried...I have rehashed and replayed it all and I am still missing something...
Monday I felt so weak and yet so good, so loved and in love.

Tuesday I waited for your call,you text me that afternoon and told me you couldn't wait for
our date. I fell asleep. Woke late and you never called.

Wensday I got a text from your "mom" that said your phone had crashed.
I never had a clue it was far from the truth...

Thursday I called and you never picked up the phone. At first I was a little worried.
Buy that evening I called what was then "our Mother". She said you were fine.
She said you had been at a dinner party and even had a few beers.
I cried the night away. I just could not understand. I kept asking what in the hell did I do that was so wrong?

Friday I was insane. I was so angry at you. I could not figure out why you would not use your mothers phone if yours was broken.

Saturday was torcher and I could not wait any longer I wanted answers. We spoke of the colors in our wedding just days before, so nothing could be wrong, could it,answere the phone and tell me..

sunday apart of me died....My heart, my soul, my everything...
I cant eat and I cant sleep. The drugs only help a little, the pain is to great.
It does not take the dreams away or the pain in my heart.
It does not give me answers, or make all the past , our past go away.
It replays and cuts deeper than any knife could.

They have drugs for the cancer, the muscle spasms the bronchial spasms but there
isn't any drug to take the pain and hurt away from my broken heart.

The hole in my heart is so big. I wish I could just fall in it and disappear.
You were told, I told you that I could not love and lose again.
I told you it would be the end of me.
I was so scared of you and you told me you would never hurt me like that.
I was coming to you, you were my destiny...
I was working things out and on my way..

You gave me so much hope.
How could you think that I would be okay with you leaving.
You know me, or at least I kidded myself into thinking you did.

Your crying only told me how much you really loved me. it did make me feel bad, but it also helped me want to get stronger that much faster.
To get my act together and be what you wanted.
Why was it to much to love me and give me some time to heal to prepare myself
for you mentally and physically?

Why would you rather have nothing than what we had?
You made me feel it was magical. the connection was so strong and so great.
Why couldn't you feel this was wrong and my heart would be torn to shreds?

Why was it so easy for you to leave me?
Why did you think it was okay to just walk away?
My God I fought this battle so hard for you.
You have no idea what I went through. And that was my right.

I am sick Isn't that enough turmoil for one person to endure?
But I had decided that I did not want to do it alone anymore.
I was opening up to you, letting you all the way in.
That was not easy for me.

But I was letting you in. Getting myself ready for whatever came.
I did not want you here for so many reasons.
You know most of them.
Some things you don't, it does not matter now, but it mattered than.
You said you understood.
You made me believe that you were okay, we were okay.

Why did you offer me so much if you were not going to let me in just days before?
You asked me to be your wife for God sakes.
Your children called me Mommy.
Was I just suppose to shrug my shoulders and say oh well and be okay?
Why do I have to fight cancer and loose the man who swore he would be here for me no matter what, for however long it took.


Why did you feel we could not talk about this?
God you were my everything.
You said you didn't lie, what would you call it?
A change of heart?

I am sorry that I cant get it.
I suppose in time I will.
I hope I am not around if it takes to much longer to figure out
and understand.
The pain is so unbearable.

If you knew me like you said than u know that I don't give a damb about money.
If you knew me like you said than you should have known that I would not be okay
with you just walking away.

I seriously had no clue why you just walked out on my heart
our dreams, your promises.
I never meant to hurt you.
Tell me what am I suppose to do with all this pain?

We were best friends and now we are nothing.
I gave you all of my heart
And I was working on giving you me physically.
How do I get you out of my head.
When will I stop asking why?

Why cant you understand how hard this is for me.
All you had to do is be there.
All you had to do is answer the phone
All you had to do was love me.

I had to try and learn to not cringe when people look at me.
I had to try and learn that being in a diaper was okay.
I had to try and learn that 5 baths a day didn't always take the stench from being sick away.
I had to try and learn that puking was apart of the cancer.
I had to try and learn that the big green diaper looked better in sweats and not
jeans.
I had to try and learn that the once soft lips would be softer with coat after coat of chap stick
I had to try and learn that the tube in my chest keeps me alive even if it left ugly marks and was hard to hide.
I had to try and learn that sleep was essential and okay to do so.

I had to try and comes with the realization that I might not make it even after all the fighting, but it was better to have sometime with you and the kids than none at all.
I had to learn that I might have to ask for help.

I feel like a failure, I feel like a loser.
I feel like my x was right.
I am nothing but damaged goods.
Maybe I should have been what my dad was teaching me to be.
I hear women of the night don't get emotionally attached.

I do not know how to let you go
You are so deep down in m soul.
You were my heartbeat
my breath
my dreams
my love
my hope
my life

How do I go on from here?

I will never love again.
I will never trust again.
I will never let anyone close.

Why is life so cruel. Tell me what I did to deserve this pain?
Tell me how to hate you because I cant?

I see your face in my mind as I lay here day after day.
I never thought we would end up this way.
People are people and we do change our minds,
But I never thought it would happen to you and I.
I hear the music you gave me and said was mine.
It is so heart breaking because with each word I feel
the betrayal and all the lies.
And yet I still do not want to be without you around.
I am sorry so sorry...
You told me you knew that this was far from being simple.
That life was never easy, but that you would never leave me.
I asked you to go, yes I did, but you said you were here to stay.
I believed in you.You knew me so well,or did you know me at all?
I know you like the palm of my hand, or maybe I knew who you wanted me to see?
I never wanted to hurt you, I never ment to cause you pain.
But you knew what you leaving would cost me. Or you would have if you had listend.
I never whisperd I said loudly the fears inside of me.
I know that sometimes things do not work out, nothing can save us from that.
But you could have saved us fom this.
It is 1...2...and 3 o'clock in the morning and I cant sleep again tonight.
I lost my best freind.
I lost my angel and my heart feels like it will never mend...
The tears wont stop sliding down my face, even when the hate started setteling in.
I cant take back the hurtful words I have said and you can not take back the broken promises.
But I am sorry so sorry!
I honestly thought you were sent to save me.
Funny how things work, but not funny at all.
I trusted my heart to you and now it is shatterd and torn apart.
I never wanted this, I never wanted to hurt or hurt you.
You were my best friend and God I miss you...
How could you think just leaving me would be okay...
How could you think I would be okay with your lies?
I never expected it from you.
I truely believed in you, in us and that was my mistake..
I will never believe in anyone again..
I loved you so much apparently to much, because you walked away.
You left without even a goodbye, no explanations as to why?
Never looking back.
I am sorry so sorry....

You are such a beautiful writer and all of us who you share your words with are so blessed. Thank you, thank you, thank you...For being you and for doing what you do. Never stop!


Sasha

Matters of the heart
Shatteres in the dark
Organs left in parts( if left up to them) ( the doctors)
Snotty sleeves leave wet trails on the staircase rails.The tears wont stop.
In home all alone
In home not alone, just lonely, not in my home, a stranger, in a strange place.
Independent, independence at the cost of losing, you!
Intuitive suicide.
That's what you get when all alone, second guessing..
Initiated conversation, but very one sided.
You are all but gone.
Inward confessions, infesting inside, over you leaving..
causing impressive regressions...Poor me.
Love outlined in diaries and journals and poems
that will never meet the eye..
Cries are easier heard than the told explanations.
I tried to make you see, to hear, to understand, I tried..
The hearts experiments turned and torn up.
Inquisitions over who is wrong or who is right, does any of it matter in the end.
Both of us lonely. Loneliness invading the heart....Well it is for me.
One hearts nation versus another.
Making our happy times a battlefield.
Where hate lies in silent awareness.
My life is a mosaic of pain.
Pain that makes me feel uncertain and shame.
Some days are filled with doubts and fears
Screams and shouts.
Hand over mouth because no one must know.
No one must see the pain that lies just beneath
ready to in gulf and take what is left.
Darkness once was dreaded and now craved
So I can be just me.
A burning desire to know if life is done with me.
Never really wanting answerers
My life torn apart
A love lost, a lover gone
anguished screams never leaving the lips.
Fake smiles for all the people on the outside to see.
A fake happiness makes for a better day.
Matters of the heart dealt with when darkness cloaks me
like a long lost friend.
So many questions
So many whys
Life has so many chapters and
to many goodbyes...


Sash

Never be sorry for insperation and thoughts...Thank you for your input!

The sunshine seeked my room today..
In through the window it spills.
All up and down my covers it's bright.
The sun wants to play, to touch my face and dry the tears.
I see it's display of colors with a child like delight.
I reach out to it with my shakey hand and I try to grasp it.
To pull it in to take it, but it isnt mine to take.
I than spread my hand and see the sunlight on my finger tips.
I feel it sliping in and going deep, deep into my soul.
And with each breath I feel renewed, and refreshed.
I feel it spread through me with each ray wraping its self around me like a lovers embrace.
I feel a smile touch my face. I feel the sun warm my heart and
the sunshine that slipped in my window has made me feel a feeling
I havent felt in days,it gave me the feeling of "Hope" .


Sash

Wow....The compliments comming from you mean "alot",... as I have truely found incrediable pleasure in reading your writings.
Thank you for the suggestion and again for the compliment.



Thank you to all of you who read my poems and enjoy them! That is a writers best compliment.


Sasha

Indifference..
Sweet indifference
The first line of defense,
Like a sword protecting, and offending
Defending all that is sacred to me
My heart, soul and that “special” space
The space where the “little girl” in me is preserved,
Reserved for only a few
That place, that refuses to become rough, jaded and callous
By over exposure
So I posture…
Indifference…
My sword….
Seemingly empowering me
Seemingly I say…
Was I empowered, or merely lost.
Lost in my own delusion
Lost from who I am
I am who I am
But who am I?
Indifferent?
Not anymore
Powerful, yes
Sensitive, definitely
Sensitive is power …
Oh yes, I am indeed powerful
One of life’s lesson
Takes a lifetime to learn
If only I had learn this earlier
Learned that indifference is indeed a double edge sword.

I am learning… trying…
Too much of a good thing, eventually become bad…
Does this apply to love? I know it does with Desire?
The desire to be with you
How does one want something so much that they end up hurting the very thing they love?
I guess a question for the ages…
Ok problem recognized, but what about the solution?
Do I try to put you out of my mind?
Try to want you less?
Make an attempt to back up?
But isn’t that like reversing in the dark?
I didn’t drop any bread crumbs on my way here…
I don’t know my way back,
I don’t want to go back,
I don’t want to want you less or put you out of my mind…
No that would be cheating myself..
I couldn’t, even if I wanted to…
You have become part of me,
Removing you would be a self-inflicted wound…
Harming you is harming myself…
Harming myself is harming you
So what gives?
So many questions, not enough answers…
I am not perfect… that’s obvious
Not trying to be perfect, that’s also obvious…
I am just trying to survive, trying to deal
Deal with all the curve ball life throws my way
For the most part I am able to handle them… but, once in awhile…
Once in awhile they come too fast
I cant sort things out fast enough to keep up with the pace of the bullshit…
And one knocks me back, catches me off guard
And if one hits you, eventually they all hit you
Cause the pace of the ******** never stops…
And when they are hitting you, it is a feeling of disorientation
Like losing your mind, like drowning…
So I feel like I am drowning…
Even though I am slow to recognize it…
So I need something to hold on to. Do I?
Foolish pride would rather see me drown first…
Because holding on is a double edge sword…
So I am careful what I hold on to…
I have never held on to people…
People are irrational and have no consistency
So I rely on what I know best. Me.
The thing with holding on…
That object better be worth holding on to,
Whatever I hold on to better be Buoyant,
Like a soccer ball, Buoyant and consistent
Because I wouldn’t want to hold on to anything and have it sink along with me…
I couldn’t live with myself…
I would rather drown alone than take someone with me…
So what do I do?
More questions, huh?… I thought we are looking for answers…
I am no longer floating, I am sinking…
Do I wallow in self pity, no?
Do I complain, no?
I strengthen my resolve… commit myself…
I block everything out, I focus…
Yes, I focus, at least that is what I call it…
Strip away all that is unimportant…
Just leaving just enough to cover the basic needs…
Food, clothing, shelter and… Love?..
How did that creep into the equation?
I don’t know, but it is here now
Now love was never a basic need before, so it is new..
Dealing with it is new
It comes with a truck-load of other feelings
Feelings not part of the original crisis management package
Like Patience, understanding, selflessness…
I am learning…
I am trying…
All these things take energy and time
So I am expanding my capacity
I don’t know it if it is good enough
But I am trying…
I am learning…
I fear I have become the “third rail”
A dark cloud over our relationship…
You speak of cynicism, you are right
I have grown more cynical…
My frustration has no direction…
So I am bottled up…
No focus
A waste of energy…
“Contents Under Pressure” the label should say
Praying to god you aren’t near me when I eventually explode…
Hoping that I don’t destroy the very thing I want to protect…
That would be Ironic
So I laugh
I can only laugh at life…
It isn’t funny, but I laugh
It keeps me sane….
In these moment of insanity…
So I am learning…
I am trying….