i have a guy who adores me. he is kind, gentle, respectful, loving, nice looking, great background, etc.....dont get me wrong, yes, he has his quirks, but dont we all. i have picked him apart until there is nothing left. i have analyzed the hell out of every move he makes and every word he speaks.

i am so afraid of letting the walls down that this poor guy hasnt had a chance in hell from day one. he is putting his heart out on the table, trying to open up and i continue to shut him down. i dont mean to...im SCARED!

no one knows where i have been or been thru. im not saying at all that my problems and situations are any worse than anyone elses. each of us have our crosses to bear and what we feel is real to us. heartache is heartache no matter how ya slice it.

im afraid that if i dont learn to let these walls down i will live a very lonely life. but i dont know how to do it.

he has never been in a real relationship before and doesnt know what to do either....its like the blind leading the blind.

people have read some of my threads on here about him and yes, i made him look like an ass, because i was trying to see him as an ass in order to make me feel better about closing him out, in reality he isnt that big of an ass...he has his moments though haha. but not all the threads were about him either.

ok...im done babbling...

Been through a little myself. Are you able to tell him you can't let your wall down? Are you able to tell him you're scared? Just by doing this, you have started to let your wall down.

Also, make sure you have been talking with him long enough to where you are confident he is not going to change on you.

If he is understanding, he will be sympathetic and take it at your pace.

keep going,,,,,,your doing good so far

Kitt

OMG - Kitt - have you been reading my mind? I do the exact same thing. I have a real terror of anyone getting too close..I think is it more fear of abandonment than anything..because if I let you in, you could leave and then I will have risked -and lost - it all. And so I try, subconsciously, to reject you before you have a chance to reject me..get it over with, rather than getting happy again and waiting for the other shoe to drop..I wanted to cry reading your words..my heart has the same type of damage..I wish I had answers for you..

we did this the other night and he was so gentle and kind, held me while i cried my eyes out and assured me he wasnt going anywhere....but i keep trying to push him out....im a fool sometimes.

no he doesnt want to change me. he is more about compromises than changes. which is fair. both sides have to give

i love you mirror!!!!!!!!

sometimes you just have to say f' the past and jump

if youre sick of being lonely and alone or fear it then you have to jump or sooner or later he's going to walk and you will lose him

i know its easier said then done but when you hit the point where you "wake up" and say "hey what the hell am i doing"
it will be alot easier

I can relate~! I don't trust men whatsoever...

EXACTLY! get him before he gets you! but what if he isnt out to get you? have you lost? have you won? living in this shell is miserable as i explained to him. he told me he loved me and all i could do was stare blankly at him and watch the tears weld up in his eyes, i felt like a heartless beotch! but i couldnt move, i couldnt speak...nothing!!!

While I don't go about taking people apart, I DO find that I have put up a number of walls that very few people have been able to circumvent. It's mostly due to a fear of intimacy on my part- I often get afraid when showing affection, probably because I think I'm showing some sort of perceived weakness. People have often complained about my not showing any "feelings" toward them and stuff- it's not because I don't like them, but rather because I'm afraid to.

I probably need to see a therapist about that, huh.

oh honey. I feel your pain.

Joe Jackson used to sing a song "take a knife and cut out this heart of ice"...

it always killed me.

He loves you hon- you will get through this. If he loves you, he loves you with your limitations.

no - you just need us.

Honesty's a good policy, I think. I kind of have the opposite problem. I like to get too close emotionally, too quick. My problem is that if I sleep with someone, I love 'em. My trick is to keep someone at arm's length until I truly know how I feel about them. My faith is helping me here, I think. I'd advise you to pray about things. Get your relationship with the Lord straight first and the rest'll follow. If you read a book called "The Purpose Filled Life" together you may get some insight.

Look, I believe a man can be a spiritual leader in a good relationship. Both parties can contribute, of course, but I believe the greater burden here is on the man. I wish I'd been a spiritual leader in my relationships and marriages. They would've worked out much better that way, I believe.

If you're walking with the Lord, it's no guarantee of no problems, but you'll have the peace and the joy of the Lord and the guidance of the Holy Spirit and y0u can take things from there. You can also consult your pastors and fellow church members for help, too. Consult with your family and friends if you have doubts. If they have doubts about your partner, listen. You can save yourself much heartache. Take it from one who (unfortunately) knows.

Good luck to you.

i am sooooooooo glad you wrote about this. he admits too that he has a problem with intimacy...feels vulnerable. then when he does open, i crap on it! im the asshole here!!!!!!!

held me while i cried my eyes out and assured me he wasnt going anywhere....


That is sooo beautiful! You don't even know it, you have already let your guard down!

if he loves you and i suspect you have feelings for him,then be honest about your fear.He sounds like he would understand and then the relationship can move forward at a pace you can feel comfortable with.

Girl, part of the walls coming down is realizing that they are up there. Becoming aware of them and how destructive they can be is only the first part. A little trust can go along way, first in your self and in your partner. A little trust today, a little more tomorrow. Look out the window, the universe still believes in life , in continuing in risking itself in the new life. Look at what he's does, not what you think he thinks or says. Look at what you do, not what you think you are doing. Do the next right thing.

you're a great friend! you are so right!

im scared to death!