When I was 17, my best friend had just gotten his license.

We were out for a drive, he was distracted and we were headed for a phone pole, my heart was pounding, I was yelling at him, finally at the last second I grab the wheel and veer us away.

A few seconds later, he's yelling at me, frantically trying to rip my frozen hands off the wheel, we were headed for another pole on the opposite side.

I was so shaken up that my reaction was the opposite and equal danger, that was my first lesson on this topic.

Very often we experience something traumatic, we seek self preservation, to avoid it from happening again, and we forget to let go, that "one direction" isn't a cure all.


We're jaded by past experiences, broken marriages, deceased spouses, you name it, but what we need to remember is that while we might have had a bad experience in the past under one set of circumstances, it does NOT mean the next circumstance will be the same.


I had an experience in my early 20's with a fiancé that cheated, for 10 years I treated all women like they were going to cheat, I was insecure, guarded, and possessive, all because I'd subconsciously assumed she was the bellwether, until I finally learned she was the outlier not the norm.


If you've been hurt in the past, yes, be careful, but also be sure to let go of the wheel and straighten direction once the car's back on the road.

I think a lot of us do this in self-preservation mode. It's a defense mechanism, to try and avoid being hurt again.

I had some pretty terrible experiences with love. After I moved internationally I swore I was DONE. Zero interest in men or in ever risking the possibility ever feeling that horribly again. For eight years I was convinced I would never date again, never even THINK of dating again.

Then I met an incredible person who makes me want to be open to it again.

You never know what will happen or who you're going to meet.

WOW, both of you.⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

so well narrated n explained Thanks Mark

Outstanding subject for a thread on a dating site ~ Well Done!

For me, I've been hurt but for some reason never held on to those negative feelings for very long.
Thru my life I've had many 'close calls' but successfully corrected them. I've always possessed a calm, decisive manner in emergencies. Saved a neighbor's child once when he was a baby choking on a penny. The women were hysterical, I walked over, picked the baby up, held him facing the floor and gently pushed on his belly with my fingers till the penny dropped out on the floor. Then I calmly went back to what I was doing.

I was driving to work one morning in a snowstorm. I was moving along about 30 mph and crested a hill to find a car sideways sticking out of the ditch. I spun the wheel, feathered the brake and spun a 360 slipping right past it. I recovered and continued on my way, shaken but not stirred.

I've always possessed a calm demeanor. I still get excited but I am able to calm myself easily.
I used to get mad and carry that anger with me.
I finally figured out emotions are not meant to last a long time.
I stopped trying to stay mad. I started allowing my emotions to rise and fall naturally. I still get angry but I no longer try to hold onto that anger.

Wisdom has taught me many things.
One thing is to realize all people are individual.
Just because one person proves to be unworthy of my friendship does not mean all are unworthy.
I've learned to accept people as the individuals they are.
I accept or reject them as they align with my nature.
I don't hang onto preconceptions based on an individual.
I stopped assuming all people are the same.
I stopped expecting behavior and anticipating negative experiences.
I started allowing each person to be the person they are and choosing more wisely those I allow into my life.

I've realized, just like me, others have their reasons for doing the things they do. Some people live in emotional turmoil. Some people have been spoiled to special attention. Some people are deluded to the point of insanity.

Many people, if you let them, are sane and decisive.
Expectations and assumptions often get in the way of seeing the person as they really are.

It helps that I've read a lot of pages on personality and traits.
It helps that I give myself the time to look at things as they are and not as I expect them to be.
It helps that I can 'read' people well and understand the behavior they exhibit.

I used to think all women were liars. I've realized all people have the capacity to lie and some lie without realizing they lie.
I've also realized not everyone lies.
Lying is a behavior used to protect themselves.
Most habitual liars have low self-esteem. Many have had a hard life which causes them to think they need to lie.
Some people lie as a punishment to those they feel have done them wrong.

I've come to realize those people I have loved were changed into that person I no longer loved by their life experiences. I've contributed to their 'condition' by forcing my expectations and assumptions upon them.
When I stopped doing that, my relationships got better.

When you meet someone special and they cause you to feel ove for them it is them being themselves which caused those feeling of love.
When that love breaks, many times it breaks because of the assumptions and conditions you have imposed upon them. You stopped letting them be them.

As I've said many times before here, you must first choose wisely.
Also, you must allow that person to be the person you fell in love with.
I like to say:
If you being you is what makes me love you
and
If me being me is what makes you love me
why mess with something already wonderful?

I don't want every woman I meet. I only want the one woman who aligns with me in our baseline. Luckily, I've finally found such a woman and I found her using Mingle2.

I’ve had the opposite experience - never holding onto past relationships/experiences long afterwards making me susceptible to falling blindly again for a similar experience. There’s no one answer for how we let the past play into our future. Some bad experiences are worthy of holding onto, a reason I will never date a heavy drinker or drugs. Common sense goes a long way moving forward and so is being responsible for your own emotions.

Indeed, we're all susceptible to patterns, but -

I learned decades ago that resigning to the broad-sweeping notion that most women were lying cheaters like my ex, cost me dearly, lost time, lost happiness, lost quality of life.

If I were dating a gal that flirted, or looked, to me it was a sure sign she was a cheater, when in fact those things are normal, even healthy if there's no secrecy about it.

From there, it was on me to "get over it", to stop projecting distrust or paranoia onto other women who had no fault, I owed it to myself to eliminate that tunnel vision, but yes, keep guard on the "type" of girl I approached.

I had a fetish for self-obsessed "head cases" solely based on sexual/physical attraction, that was my mistake, but my greatest mistake was allowing that type woman to cloud my vision overall.

Meh I doubt everyone has defeatist attitude like that and it certainly fly in the saying when you fell off a bike or a horse or anything you don't wait a decade for the boo boo to go away. Pfffft is all I can about people building walls to that effect.

Exactly how I see it and feel about it.
If you cannot get over something and recover then for crissake stay single so you don't damage another person with your chit.

We learn during childhood to deal with loss and pain and how to get over things, including broken hearts during teenage years and adolescence.
If you still haven't got that sussed when an adult it's best to seek counselling to learn it. And stay single until you're equipped to deal with such things.

Remember: the ONLY way to truly love and find love is to be able & willing to take the risk to get hurt (again).
If you don't feel willing or ready to take that risk, then don't. That way you at least don't hurt another person with your inability to give & receive love.

Fixed thinking seems like it'd lead
to tunnel vision.

well done Mark .... for many a “fetish” can be difficult to surrender ... Depends how deeply rooted and embedded that fetish Is .

I had to grow up.

I'm sure you figured it out that I went after the "hard to get" types, girls that sought sexual attention for immediate gratification and little more.

Bonnie and I joke about them, I call them the "Twerkers", women with nothing on their profiles, and pics with them puckering, displaying their wares in tight Yoga pants and half shirts...

That gets my attention for about ten seconds, meanwhile, I'm fixated with her on Zoom for hours on end, she wears no makeup, she's so amazingly beautiful.

LOVE this reply, spot on!!!

The one point you make, that I'd single out "If you cannot get over something and recover then for crissake stay single ...."

This is a matter of confronting fear of rejection, fear of loss and inadequacy.

In stead of facing my fears and learning where I was wrong, I avoided or rejected anyone that I perceived as "dangerous", I lived an isolated life for many years rather than take a hard look at myself and my mistakes.

sounds judgmental to me .. but heartening that you are able to discern where your values lie. How a women chooses to express her sexuality is not something that deserves to be laughed about .. a little disappointed you would find that necessary . Attraction is complicated . Admiring physical beauty is not a flaw .. it is biological . I am sure the “twerkers” as you put it have other admirable qualities:...exactly how deep did you look :-)

As for yoga pants ..lots of women wear them lmao . Would be surprised if Bonnie didn’t own one pair

Blondey in yoga pants?

but just to be clear .. I am doing yoga not displaying my wares laughing .. now get into your gym gear and come workout with me

@Mark: Thanks for this post!

The narrative that builds up and leads us to the main post is truly commendable!
True, our sad memories fog our rational thinking, and we often take the easy path of bracketing! I have been guilty of the same, after my separation in 2011 and eventual divorce in 2012! I became a woman hater instantly, instinctively! And I'd justify my acts! Colleagues were seeing a Kevin, they were not used to!
Later in 2012, I sought professional help, and even there I wanted to visit male counselor!

When our deepest emotions are hurt, the trauma is numbing. It impairs our reasoning! I am thankful to all my friends, colleagues who stood beside me in those days, I fell ashamed when those incidents crop up in my mind! But, then. we are all human!

went to get the mail and forgot I had my yoga shorts on -construction workers next door busted out laughing. good thing I like to make people laugh.