please share your thoughts

It takes time, being real and raw, not rushing into anything to distract you and the before you know it...one day you wake up smiling.

I’ve heard most of us don’t actually mourn the loss of our ACTAL ex as much as the future we imagined we would have together. But that’s a fantasy based on our best memories of the relationship. Try considering a life based on your worst moments together and remember that there was as good a chance that was what your future would have actually been like. This advice helped me through my divorce.

Celebrate getting your life back.

Beer, lots and lots of beer.

I can see how this advice might help someone dealing with negative feelings in an optimistic lifestyle.

Some have a different reaction to breakups. Some see the breakup as a failure on their part. They usually ask themselves questions like "How could I have fixed this?" or at worst "What is wrong with me?". Thinking the breakup was a failure on their part alone.

Depression usually sets in and there's this nagging dread which asks "Will I ever find someone again or will I be alone the rest of my life?". When this happens after a long duration relationship there's also the feeling that you've wasted those years. Sometimes decades of your prime health.

Consider the fact relationships are sometimes very complex. They are filled with associations and compulsions. You have two unique people interacting with each other, forming bonds, changing patterns and sharing intimate things about themselves to each other in confidence. Assumptions are formed about the other as well as expectations being made for some very important behavior. Many times when assumptions and expectations do not play out as one imagined, a rift begins to form in their bond. It snowballs without honest communication and soon, the relationship has changed to the point it is broken.

The first reaction is to blame the other.
Sometimes the blame focuses on the self.
Both reactions produce negative feelings.
Since the negative feelings are so strong, we tend to focus on them.

In reality, Most relationships are a mix of positive and negative experiences with many, many mundane periods which are neither positive or negative.
What many fail to realize is 'all' those experiences makes you the person you are. They have changed you from who you once were to who you are now.

Take some time and examine your relationship with brutal honesty.
You will realize there were good times and bad. You will also realize there were times which were not really good but also not really bad.
Try to learn the wisdom all those experience gave you.
Apply that wisdom to your lifestyle.

Use the wisdom you have gained so you do not make the same mistakes again but only focus on the good stuff you did. Allow contentment to soak into your soul. Realize you didn't do everything right but you didn't do everything wrong either.

When your self-confidence and self-esteem grow strong enough, use the wisdom you have gained to find someone new. Someone who aligns with the new lifestyle you have created for yourself.

If you enter into a relationship based on lies, the relationship will fail.
If you enter into a relationship based on your own expectations of another person, the relationship will fail.

Understand other people are also unique individuals with their own life philosophies and wisdom. The trick is to find the one who aligns with you as closely as possible. A certain amount of tolerance has to be adopted because each person is unique. They are never going to align perfectly.

Just like you, they are themselves. They have feelings, desires, hopes and dreams, just like you.
There is no other person on this planet who is exactly like you.
If you believe you should be able to be yourself, why would you think someone else should live to your expectations of them?
Assumptions and expectations cloud our view of others.
Try to 'see' the other as they really are.
You already did it when you first met them.
Its probably what attracted you to them in the first place.

I hope you have the strength to find your inner contentment again.
I hope you are smart enough to learn the wisdom you need to form a new relationship with someone.
The most important step is the first one.
Choose wisely

Sometimes...
The best way to get over a woman,
is to get on top of another.

Focus on yourself, do what you like to do, and go out with your friends without looking for another romance for awhile, enjoy being single again, it takes time but you do get through a break up.

You’ve captured a lot perspectives and great insight here.

Appreciate what you had in the relationship, and accept your ex-partners imperfections as we all have imperfections.

Time.

Understand and acknowledge your role in the breakup .. seldom is it one sided

Embrace some “self lovin” until you are ready to date again Lol

Easily.
Time and distraction.
Just like mending from a sprained ankle, broken arm, cut thumb, whatever.
Your body will heal itself.
Take it easy, do something else, stop scratching the wound, play with your toys, establish other routines in other important aspects of your life that create something positive or beneficial.

The more important question is why do people not allow themselves to recover/heal after a break up.

It's like when people believe it takes more energy to frown than smile.
Or studying why people put themselves into depressive states, wallowing in self pity.

Everyone naturally recovers over time after a break up, unless they actively work to not do so. Why do people keep themselves from healing after a break up.


How do babies and kids possibly get over when their parents put them in another bedroom, or keep them from sleeping together, or stop showing up at late night feedings to ween, or send them off to school, or basically show the kid that it isn't the center of the universe?

If babies can do it, anyone can. At the very least, start copying what babies do.

Mehran, I assume you are talking about yourself and not in general? I'll assume so, and suggest like most of the previous members on this thread;
1) Engage in outdoor activities, preferably into sports that will burn a lot of energy.
2) Hang out with buddies, childhood buddies, be a part of lively banters.
3) If you feel like crying, shed your tears, don't think twice about it.
4) Don't look for escape in the bottle. Not always will you have someone from AA besides!


And yeah do spend some time with us oldies in the forums we'll love your company....

Meet someone New !

Get up off the ground , dust yourself off and calmly carry on ... a new life awaits you don't keep it waiting.....or watch the movie "the Break-Up"....

Best advice there is!

ignore. live life like its was before.0

it's all about the time. take your time for healing.. do something that make you happy, go camping with your friends, have qt with family! but don't go for dating when you still hurt, it's bad if you 'use' other people for your healing! healing is just you and your hobbies cmiiw heuheu

hi. shall we date

just find the other one.