Is it possible not to realize abuse until after a relationship has ended? What exactly counts as abuse?

If you physically being beaten. otherwise you'll be fine

IMHO, no. I feel we should know ourself better than anyone, and that whatever we are feeling in a moment is the truth, and it does not change the reality of what that moment was, because of what happens in moments after.

If you werent feeling abused in those moments, for me, there is no consistency in holding the partner accountable for knowing it either.

to not realize lies or being taken advantage of, yes. But to not realize an extreme such as 'abuse' ... I dont believe so.

Yes it’s possible sometimes you don’t even see the full scale of things until you’ve processed it or gone to therapy

^^^^^^^^^^ This ^^^^^^^^^

And abuse has my scales, mental and physical. Some scars will maybe never heal, but I try my best. #neversurrender

Abuse can also be verbal or emotional. It is not always physical. Sometimes verbal and emotional abuse can almost be as bad or worse than physical abuse! This can be harmful to you throughout life and can require therapy to help you.

Are you completely unawre there are MANY types of abuse????
Emotional, verbal, mental......

^^^^^This!!
Often the abuser is very good at making the victim feel like it is their fault, and they will begin to believe it hence not perceive it as abuse.
I do think it is possible that at some point you get to the proverbial "last drop" and begin to realize it really isn't right and it really is them being wrong -not you- and that being the reason for getting out.

For me it unfortunately took 10 years to get to that point.

Is IS as bad as physical.
There's verbal, financial, sexual, emotional, psychological, physical. I may be forgetting some.
I've had them all in one package from 1 person.
It's a miracle I'm still sane, and a miracle I'm still alive. I went to bed for at least a year, not knowing for sure if I'd wake up again.

The womens' movement taught us just that; that someone telling another for example, they're worthless over the years CAN have a critical long-term effect on their self-esteem.

I think, that chap is still very young. He will learn eventually

I respectfully believe all of that is a ploy for the therapist profession. I do believe every event has an effect on us and our self esteem. I do not believe that all negative impacts are therefore 'abuse'.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship in any capacity ms harmony?

Exactly! The nonphysical tends to be less obvious and cause one to loose their senses very slowly. It's usually more gradual and the perpetrator is often really nice in between and has a way of manipulating things to make you think it's all in your head or that you some how caused it.

I too have had all of it in one package, though most of my relationships were more the nonphysical kind of abuse... I seemed to have attracted quite a few in my life. My father was all of the above, except sexual.... it happens in families as well as relationships. That was one of my reasons for leaving Florida.

The abuser will not stop unless he is stopped and without counseling they are likely to abuse the next person. Having been abused, without counseling and support from healthy women I probably wouldn't be sane either.

That's one thing that scares me about getting back out and dating. I have healed quite a bit and have grown a lot, but the thought of attracting the same kind of man is a little scary.

what OTHERS had called, yes. Not what I would call. Just some bad times and good times that hurt me and also made me stronger.

Riverspirit, You're a survivor, and I salute you.

Interesting way to look at it ...well good think it didn’t affect you I guess 🤷‍♀️My abuser once classified the abuse I endured just “bad times” I always thought that was an interesting way to look at it or like when he pushed me into a wall he would say I didn’t push you that hard you “lost your balance” or when he choked me and I had bruises on my neck he would say I didn’t squeeze you that hard you just “bruise easy” or when he slammed me onto the concrete and gave me a concussion he just “barely grabbed my sweater “ I guess everyone has there on way of looking at things

Thank you Mike. I think the hardest part was getting away from the victim mentality. I had to accept responsibility for attracting that kind of person in my life. What was it about me that invited people in my life that would hurt me? Not easy. When it came to my two family members, it was much more difficult. I wanted to belong and be loved... especially by my father. I'm very forgiving in nature and eventually realized it wasn't about me, he was just a miserable man who had his own demons to fight. But knowing that didn't mean I should stay put... my sister has her demons too but I can't live near her for both of our sake. That saddens me more than I can even say.

very true. I definitely would have viewed such violence as being choked or head slammed in concrete as abuse when it happened, and not after. I'm glad you survived such extreme violence.

Words between adults, on the other hand, to me, are a matter of people being *****, more than adults being 'abused' by other adults.