I raised this issue in a previous thread but I'm taking a different angle this time.

There is an author who suggests that we have 5 ways of expressing our love to others including :-

1. Affirming words (saying I love you,thank you, encouraging words etc)
2. Acts Of Service (assisting them in anyway you can eg cooking their meals, taking out the trash, fixig their car, typing their school assignment for them etc)
3. Quality time (talking together, eating together , going out etc
4. Physical affection (kissing, holding hands,massages, hand on the sex etc)
5. Gifts

I will add one more which I call :-

6. Quiet support( which might involve giving your mate some breathing space or listening attentively without offering advice,or a reassuring hand on the shoulder etc)

The challenge though,is that each person often has 2 or 3 expressions on the list that they value highly, while they dismiss other acts of love on the list that their mate may be giving ABUNDANTLY.

So let me ask this:-

1. Have you ever been told by an ex that you were not loving them right? In other words, have you been accused of not loving your mate IN THE WAYS THAT THEY WANT , even though you felt you were working your azz off to please them ?

2. What expressions of love on the list did you give abundantly in the past that you felt were overlooked , underrated or ignored?

I don't know what "acts of service" means.

Sorry Cantinidaho
I just added examples of acts of service in the OP.
It basically refers to any act you render to assist someone, whether they request it or not.

Number 6 is where I run into trouble.

I interpret that as agreeing/accepting another world view.
The act of accepting another's world view is a form of encouragement.

My ex's preference for cut flowers and my preference of long lasting artificial flowers was an example of number 5 going wrong.

I have learnt the value of impractical gifts

One of the few things I agree with in the bible is that a couple are better served by being some what equally yoked in regard to their belief system. But like most things this is not an absolute. We are well served by a degree of diversity in our view

1. Have you ever been told - Yes

2. What expressions of love on the list did you give abundantly - 1,4,5

However, that wasn't enough for her. She asked me why I didn't love her several times.

My response was, "I just told you that I loved you this morning." Did you look at the note I stuffed in your purse?

So, I had to CORRECTLY assume she was crazy and soon parted ways.

If I were to say, let's spend more time together, let's talk more, why don't we go on a trip? That's the end of everything.

I have developed a total aversion to this kind of approach:



This sounds (and when I experienced it, felt like) an INDUSTRIAL FACTORY approach to "love." I hate it.

And yes, I have been told I failed to fulfill some list like this before, as well as I have been ordered to START fulfilling such a list.

My experiences all showed me, that the fact someone comes up with a list like that, means incontrovertibly, that they just plain don't love you. And don't want you in their lives. They might tell themselves and you that they do, but they are wrong to do so. What is usually true is, that they love and want a personal FANTASY of you. And on the other side of things, if the way you've been conducting your life has not made them feel loved, it's very likely that you don't actually "love" them either.

No.
Not in those words.

But what you are basically asking is "have you ever had problems with communication in your relationships?"
And that should be an obvious answer as it's a struggle in every relationship that ever existed.


I've never really had that problem.
Or at least if things were overlooked, underrated, or ignored, I wasn't hurt by it, it meant something different was needed.

My problem has always been trying to figure out which they value the most and then trying to adapt what I do to what they understand in a way that will also "synergize" with any efforts they are making to do the same for me.

That seems to be the biggest problems I've ever had.
The communication range people seem to fall into is from the extremes of:
Left. entrenched method of communication and understanding, I communicate this way, and it's your duty and responsibility to learn and conform to it and the implied values, I'm absolutely consistent at all times. "I'm a grammar nazi."

Right. completely flexible, I'm easygoing, I go along to get along, and conform to you, seemingly inconsistent in all things and values, everything is relative. "c'mon! you know what I mean."

Middle. I'm entrenched in some ways I know about, others I don't, I will try to learn how to effectively communicate with you as long as you're trying to learn how to effectively communicate with me, the learning process is dynamic, constantly changing, frustrating, leads to a lot of miscommunication and needing constant feedback and updates to determine baselines that change. "does that make sense?"

From that curve I see myself as a middle left.
So never felt communications of love were underrated, overlooked, or ignored, just miscommunicated on my part or misunderstood on their part, needing additional effort somewhere else.

When i offered to sweep your chimney.that was an act of service

Love is when self serving looks like gift giving

This is what the editorial staff of COSMOPOLITAN magazine spends all their time doing, helped along by chick flicks pop and r&b music. Defining what celebs and high profile people tell them love should be. A look at their actual lives and relationships play out more like lifetime movies. People don't understand that this is all 100% financially motivated.
'Courting' like that still exists $
Engagement $$$$$$$
Marriage (too soon) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Bigger apt/home $$$$$$$$$
Pregnancy/children$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Divorce$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Alimony$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Custody hearings $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Child support$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
Violation of court order/ back child support/ $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Lather rinse repeat.


Want to "love again"? Well the rules have changed. Now movie tickets are $6.00 more a piece than what two tickets a drink and popcorn were and McDonald's costs $20 for two IF you don't have kids. But that's not a "date" anymore. Chili's or Applebee's doesn't cut it for most 'girls' one would be trying to impress (I say this because ladies all know that in almost all cases you don't ask/take us guys out or try terribly hard to impress us). Regardless, whoever is doing the wooing is spending quite a bit of money doing so for what 20-30 years ago would have been considered 'a standard date'. If there are other elements, mini golf, go karting, skating, club/bar,concert/sport event, it can easily reach into thousands. But if a girl is content with dinner and a movie it's still near or above $100 depending on the theatre and restaurant. That's sad.

To answer the OP, yes, I have been told,
1-6, extensively.

What I didn't do was 7 and 8,
7. Money for whatever I want whenever I want it. (seriously)
8. Knowing what I want when I don't know what I want and giving it to me even when I feel like you should have known I wanted something.
I'll even throw in
9. Giving me what I want when you want the opposite (nothing bad, watching a football game, not cooking spaghetti AGAIN)(Yes I did 90% of the cooking) even though I ONLY WANT WHAT I WANT BECAUSE YOU DON'T.

If COSMO says 'if his left arm moves more than his right arm when he hugs you he's cheating on you' would you dig through every pair of pants, hack his social media email screen his mail and check his phone? Kinda hard for a guy to be cheating when he's at home, with you, and the phone records tell what number every call goes to or comes from. There was a song on the radio about a cheating man so I must be breaking the laws of physics or using cloaking devices to do it.

Not necessarily. If there's nothing going on, what do you have in mind?
If my team is down by two touchdowns with the ball and 8 mins left I'm the 4th quarter to decide if our season is over, No. If I'm paying for a trip I don't want to take, No.

This is a breakdown in communication, or a complete lack of attention/understanding the partner, or worse the partner doesn't care what you like/want/need because they want to control you.

Cat, you gave three suggestions, which themselves are reasonable. But you didn't give one (maybe not your intent but this has happened a lot to me) it was three mashed together in rapid succession followed IMMEDIATELY by an assumption that your three headed request was only one simple request that would be denied.
This confuses most guys and before we can figure out what the hell even just happened to us you're already upset because you have decided WE don't want to do anything you want to do. For ME, it's not true. I can't speak for other guys but this is a sign to me that you have no idea what you actually want. If it was talking more, why not just talk instead of throwing a flurry of unanswerable questions that guarantees a degree of dissatisfaction for you? Wanna talk to me? Talk to me. Wanna spend more time with me? Spend more time with me and find a shared interest. Wanna go on a trip? Ask me (while we are already talking) if I would like to go somewhere, give me enough time to prepare and or save money.... To do so reasonably. Spontaneity is fine for local hiking, bowling, dinner etc, IF I don't have the dash of my car in 10 pieces in my lap and can't get part to fit back in. If you spring this cerebus on us when our team is losing and you're lonely or bored because you already Removed Yourself by not watching the game with me, it tells Me you don't care if my team wins or loses, you don't care if something that hasn't happened in 108 years like the CUBS WINNING THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!! you don't care that I am happy or miserable you want me to do anything else RIGHT NOW.

That's control plain and simple.

Speed dating, how many guys/girls can you turn down in 30mins?
You're not guaranteed to find a match youre guaranteed to be turned down before you have a chance to show that person who you are find out who they are and pay a fee.

Any STD'S contracted by clients who do find mates are the responsibility of the client and fees will not be returned if the mate ties you up locks you in your trunk and cleans out your house. CALL NOW.

Don't want to regurgitate the past, so I'm not going there. I do want to say that I do think it is important to give your partner what they need. Not really unlike giving a present to a loved one. Most buy something they themselves like as opposed to buying something the other person would like. If you really care, you give them the present they want, regardless how you feel about it.
I think with love it's the same. What is the point of giving love in a way your partner doesn't need / want / like / or would love to be feel it?

That does mean of course you have to match, because if you have to give it in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have to compromise yourself. Going a bit out of your comfort-zone is okay, you may even find that you like a different way, just steered clear from it because you were too shy or something.

And it's a bit of give and take. A partner should also be able to adept and learn to appreciate your ways. Also up to a point, because neither partner should have to go way out of their comfort-zones in a good match.
A little is good. Keeps things fresh, exciting and new, and means growth for both.

why does there have to be " rules" to love?

It comes in many different forms, most of the time spontaneously.

A touch, a glance, a little smile.

No rules.

transactional analysis approach to loving

exchange of good and services..

WE TEND TO PARENT THE WAY WE WERE PARENTED.....

WE TEND TO LOVE THE WAY WE WERE LOVED.....

THE LOGIC IS, I LIKE IT SURELY THEY WILL ALSO.....

SO PEOPLE TEND TO USE WHAT WORKS ON THEM.....

NOW HERE IS THE RUB, YOU CAN NOT DO THAT TO A MAN IF YOUR A WOMAN,

AND YOU CAN NOT DO THAT TO A WOMAN IF YOUR A MAN......

WE ARE NOT GOOD OR BAD WE ARE JUST DIFFERENT.....AS A GROUP WHAT WAS NEEDED WAS

HEALTHY MODELS,,THAT WAS THEN....NOW...A NEW PROBLEM HAS SURFACED WHEN A PERSON
IS IMMATURE (THAT MEANS WE HAVE NOT LEARNED BY OUR MISTAKES) ITS ALL MOST

IMPOSSIBLE TO RESOLVE THE ISSUES.....

No one has every actually said the words, but I've gotten the feeling before... the issues with my past relationships were not so much about this sort of thing.

I enjoy taking care of the person I love, so I may actually come on too strong for some.

I think 1-4 are very important, and it's important to find a comfortable balance.

#5 Gifts are not so important to me, tho - I will not say I do not like them. About the only time I feel slighted, is if I don't get a little something for my birthday. At my age, it's not exactly a happy occasion, so it's nice to have something to smile about. I don't want or expect anything pricey - just the thought.

Hi

Each relationship requires a bit of an adjustment in order to be successful.

Sometimes people are either unable or unwilling to give something.

For example a relationship between an introvert and an extrovert types can be a challenge. One needs the other to open up and if too much pressure is applied it can suffocate another one.

Introvert types do not open up as often or as easy as an extrovert ones and that can be perceived as a distancing or rejection.

That is an example of inability to give something that is not in persons nature.

The other example may include a difference between a spender and saver. If one half makes and expects occasional small surprise gifts as a sign of an appreciation and the other doesn't feel any need to make an effort of that kind, that can cause a friction.

Especially if both sides clarified the expectations (extrovert and introvert one, as well as a spender and a saver) and after that there was no adjustments.

To simplify, it is not a good idea to expect more than person is able and willing to give. Not everyone is willing to do for you what you are willing to do for them.

If it doesn't work and it feels like you are putting more into a relationship than your partner and you can't live with it ...well, it is not going to turn into a happy long lasting relationship.