This comes up here all the time. Some people even try to say that you can tell from someone's forum posts what a relationship with them would be like.

It's like we're supposed to be searching for that perfect compatible person that you wouldn't change anything about, or it's no good. But here's a newsflash. You can't act like you did when you were single when you get into a relationship.

So what if someone goes out and gets horribly drunk every weekend when he's single? How is that an indication of what he would do when you've got him under your thumb? So what if he spends all his money on whatever he likes when he's not got any responsibilities?

Would it be reasonable if I got a girlfriend and kept trying to chat up other women and I objected that my girlfriend was trying to change me by telling me not to do that anymore?

Why are some things alright when you're single and others aren't?

What is it reasonable to expect your partner to change and when does it become abusive control freakery?

What if they actually want to change? What about the fat person that comfort eats because they're lonely, or the person that drinks for the same reason?

You shouldn't want to change the other, although I think we are all guilty of doing/trying to do so.
The things you mention to me are part of being compatible or not. If someone would want to drink lots on a regular basis, I can not live with that. I don't really want to live my life trying to change someone, waste my energy on trying to tell myself it's okay, while for me it just isn't. Meaning we are incompatible.

There's also a difference between trying to change a person, or adapting to a new situation (single to involved).

And if someone has the need to try to change the other into a better version of him/herself, they're not really in it for the right reason either. But that's part of personal growth & development. (Working on your own issues and insecurities).
So to me your question ain't black and white.

No, I would never try to change a man. Women who think they can change or train them are fools.
Maybe they think their vagina is magic.

People change, when & if they want to & only for themselves.

Sounds like material from "the vagina monologues"

I just find it a bit odd when people judge you on things that you do when you're single and assume that you're going to be the same in a relationship.

A lot of the stuff that I do when I haven't got a girlfriend is out of boredom and loneliness. I'm doing this for a start. I spent months this year playing a video game to occupy my free time and take my mind off problems and stuff. I actually remember saying that the idea of that game being "fun" was a bit absurd because if I was really having fun I wouldn't be sitting in my bedroom on my own typing. Would I rather be playing geeky games than spending time with a woman? Christ, no.

On the other hand, how can you tell that I wouldn't put some daft game in front of you if you were my girlfriend? Well, you probably couldn't if you just knew that I was doing that and didn't actually get to know me. It seems like a prejudice. "He's a geek." "He's a drunk." "She spends all her time watching soaps and stuffing her face with ice cream."

Sometimes I watch a lot of TV but I don't usually even put it on if I have female company and that's not just out of politeness. I would just rather have a chat with a lady than watch TV but that's not always an option. There are loads of things that I would rather be doing with my time than the things that I'm doing just now but they're not much fun on your own.

Slightly off topic but I changed the day my son was born, changed overnight in fact.

I was never a wild child but I liked to enjoy things I shouldn't.

So I suppose even that is some sort of clue, I think people will change depending on just exactly how much the partner means to them.

If you don't think a new partner is serious then you're hardly likely to change, if you do think it could get serious then I see no problem with slight changes.

I agree with the OP who stated
'I just find it a bit odd when people judge you on things that you do when you're single and assume that you're going to be the same in a relationship'

People change all the time. Most the time on their own or at times due to another told them this is how it is going to be...

Myself if a person changes once we are together it will be because they want to not cause I told them to.

The way I see it if you normally go out and do your own thing. Once you are with someone you will end up changing for you will include the other person within the things you like to do and go..

One should never expect the other to change because they told them too.. Or due to their partner is controlling... Only make changes when you want to and see a need to change..

Well, people do change - but not so much in their essence. So I wouldn�t expect anybody to change because of me. That of course doesn�t mean I can�t express what bugs me. I simply can or can�t be with that person as he is - if not than I go away. Some adjustments and compromises are natural but they are not a real change.

you are right seacoast. some things are what you are and some are what you do.

what you are tends to not change. what you do does, based on your situation

I think that the purpose of DATING, is not to find out what someone is like when they are single, it's to find out what they are when they are a member of an official couple.

To take the OP's example of a guy who gets hammered every weekend while alone...

if he CONTINUES to do so after he gets seriously involved with someone, then he has established that this isn't how he behaves only when he is alone, it is how he behaves all the time. And that's the point.

At that juncture, it's up to the person who tried him out to decide if who he is when he is a committed person is what they want as their mate or not.

It's not that it's "wrong," or "unfair" to try to change someone after "hooking them:" it's that it's idiotic.

I expect there will be change.
I don't expect them to conform to my desires for who I want them to be.

If after enough time in the relationship and enough emotional association and bonding occurs I would hope "changing" in order to solve a problem would be the easier, less harmful, more constructive, healthier option than just walking away.

If you go about your relationships under the auspice of "I can leave anytime," and apply that to any potential confrontational situation that arises then you're just keeping the other person at a distance, and will never truly be in a decent relationship with them, and it won't last very long, as everything becomes an ultimatum.


People look for consistency in personality.
Are you who you say you are.

If you go out, get drunk, and spend all your money every weekend then either that is who you are, or that is who you are pretending to be and it's a facade.

Either way, it's a great risk.

There are only 2 real outcomes.
1. You actually are a self sabotaging responsibility avoiding alcoholic that needs to drink and get rid of your money.

2. They need to stick around spending time, money, effort, and opportunity, to figure out "who you are" consistently, underneath.
And there's absolutely no guarantee their initial judgment of being a self sabotaging drunk wasn't correct, or who they come to figure out who you are underneath isn't just another facade.
It makes the entire relationship about you.
Plus, the thing about facades is they are like a lot of lies; even with evidence to the contrary people will defend them to the death.

People generally have better (selfish) things to do with their life and time than to dedicate it all to discovering each individual persons "uniqueness" and how they differ from in public and in private.


Because what you do reflects who you are.
Since anymore you lack a reputation (online, no real community, you aren't dating people that know you, your friends, or your family) they have to rely on you setting up your own reputation via your consistent behavior.

No different than buying something off Amazon.
Do you buy from the company that all your friends and family tell you is a great place to buy, that they did?
Or the place that has the most consistent positive reviews?
Or do you look for the companies with no reviews and no one's ever heard of?

Do you just go by price? Lowest price? If so, then you're just saying "least amount of perceived risk." Which is no different than coming to an immediate judgment rather than sticking around and researching the company to figure out "who it is."


Whenever it's a demand for someone to change based on personal image rather than emotional association, bonding.
e.g. "you need to lose weight because I can't be seen with a fatty and I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't want to bang you and I need sex, I'm a sexual person" vs. "you need to lose weight because the doctor said your blood pressure is so high you may die and I'm scared to lose you."


There's a difference between trying to find a relationship in order to enact selfish change, to treat a relationship from the start as a support group, and wanting to change in order to preserve the relationship.



People aren't stupid:

Why video games? Why not volunteer work? Why not learn a foreign language? Why not another job? Why not home repair? Why classes at the learning annex? Why not making friends? Why not trying harder to find a date? Why not go to a therapist? Why not hanging out at the adult arcade turning tricks at the gloryhole? Why not directly addressing your problems? Why not a million other things?
And why aren't these other things fun?

Video games, being drunk, wanting to get mind off problems...that's all escapism.
People that want to escape, and people that are willing to stick it out in relationships, tend to be different and motivated to do different things.

People realize this, they aren't (inherently) stupid, it may not even be conscious for the most part.
But if your consistent behavior is one of avoidance of conflict, problems, escaping, idle entertainment, and running away, it's going to cause a certain emotional reaction in people that just culminates in a "reject" response.

They may simply be getting a vibe that they are a video game to you.
That ultimately you're just using them to pass the time, to get your mind off your problems, i.e. a relationship all about you and continuing what you consistently show that you do.

Of course he is going to change the same as I will and have... We have been together a short time and both of us have changed. Neither one of us has expressed a desire to have each other change but we have...

People evolve each and everyday...

IF I am bothered by something that he does I express, it the same as he does. What happens after that usually follows the same avenue. We listen, we evaluate it, and either we chose to change that or we say I am sorry, but I am sticking to this how about a compromise...


Nothing ever stays the same...

^^^^What she said^^^^^.

Very astute and along that line it won't take long to find out how that person will be as couple. Some people (and I include women in that) think they can act single while being a couple. Doesn't work that way.

I love magic shows ;)

For me,the hope is to find someone compatible. So by that i mean someone who does things that might not suit me,but it doesn't matter because i'm happy that she's happy,and vice versa. We might do things that would be annoying if done by others,but for some reason it's now endearing.
So i'm not going to say i would change for someone because i was asked to,but i think there are some things that might change naturally because it felt right to do so.
Sometimes i read back my own comment and realise why i've been single for so long.But why should any of us settle for second best ? I'm not going to change who i am right now for myself,it just takes that one person to accept that...

I would expect for both of us to adjust to each other, and with each other.

That is expected in a relationship-- to be able to give due consideration to each person involved. Whether romantic, friendly, familial..etc..

Change for the better is always good, but to expect someone to turn into somebody they are not just to fulfill a personal idea of what and how we want them to be, never works out. It only pushes the other person farther away. They may be able to indulge the notion for the time being, but without acknowledging their core personality, it will not work in the long run.

As for people who refuse to give way, and justify everything with "you cant change me, this is how i want it, accept it. Period".....not healthy...

Listen up, stubborn people who think you are fine just the way you are. THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT. This is the reason people suffer in relationships. You are incapable or unwilling to adapt to change FOR THE BETTER. We can all work on ourselves. We are works in progress. If you are not growing, you are dying. When your partner wants you to shape up or ship out, I hope that you shape up. Or continue being a miserable slob and whining why nobody will accept you or love you for you.

depends on what they want changed


you got a partner that wants the toilet paper roll so that the paper comes out top instead of bottom? no problem change it

or they don't like overflowing garbage that has to be stomped down before you can get the bag closed

or they don't like the blankets tucked in because they like to stick one foot out at night

or they ask that if you are running late to give them a quick heads up call or text so they dont worry

these are small things and no big deal but..


if they are demanding that you change part of what makes you who you are
your core personality

such as your silly sense of humor
or the kind of clothes you wear
your hair, makeup , how loud you speak
if they are constantly correcting you when you speak
or always telling you
"you're doing it wrong"


uhmmmm that is not so good

Well, I don't want to make this all about myself and certainly not about my drinking, when I've actually stopped doing that.

As a matter of fact, I was doing more than playing video games and indulging vices during that time. I did have a friend that I was seeing regularly; or I thought they were a friend anyway. I was hoping that would develop into a proper relationship and I have problems that make the other things that you mentioned difficult.

I have tried just about everything that I can though over the years to change the way my life is. I've just had a lot of setbacks and I tend to fall back into what you're calling escapism when things don't work out for me. As I said, there are loads of things that I would rather be doing but they're not much fun on your own and it's hard to really apreciate what you do have when you don't have somebody to share it with, so my life seems depressing when I'm lonely. When you go through a major upset like a breakup it can take a while to pick yourself up and start feeling positive again and ready to try again.