I hear peep shows in Thailand have these...

Yeah, that may be true, but they fell in love with you the way you are, flaws and all. Expecting/demanding someone to change is just not right. If your significant other doesn't want to change, that his/her choice. If you can't live with that, you simply gotta move on. Then you probably fell for their potential, which happens a lot (women can be esp good at that, sensing someone's potential, then wanting to help him become that). But it's still his/her choice to become that potential or not, not your decision to make.

Basically wanting/demanding/expecting someone to change is telling them they're not good enough the way they are.

You think? That's the point. WE CAN ALWAYS BE BETTER. STRIVE TO BE BETTER. STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE.

Yes, and the choice to grow and develop is for the individual to make, or not. And I think if you are inclined to keep doing so yourself, you automatically attract other ppl around you who are the same. Unless there are other things at play, like a need to 'help' (read: force/demand) others to better themselves, which usually boils down to needing to be needed. Which mostly indicates there are issues you yourself don't want to face, so you focus on other ppl's issues.
"You" here doesn't mean you specifically btw, a general "you".

So you got to know yourself too. I know I have a problem with ppl that can't be stimulated, that don't want to grow & develop. So I should steer clear from ppl like that lest I don't make both them and myself unhappy.
So I either should find myself someone who's into growing or someone who's already sorted most of his chit. Someone solid and stable, not easily deterred by my lively nature.

I would never try or expect a woman to change. And if a woman ever comes my (LOL) I would be looking for traits in her that fit me. So when we got together there is no need for change.

Simply. Find a partner that you click with and you like each other just the way you are!

I always enter Thailand with $100.00 in quarters.. so if you see a tail sticking out from under the curtain door, don't step on it... could be me.

change is the rule of nature u can not be the same all the time changes does come in everyone for me the understanding is one of the most part of a relationship I cant expect my partner the same after 2 years or 20 years as u experience the life changes come.in your life automatically you have. to deal with it

Magic vagina hahahaha

ANY Relationship, whether friends or lovers or anywhere in between, peeps change. However, we need to see for ourselves what we want to change to be with that other person. NO ONE is ever going to be perfect, and not even perfect for YOU. We all need to change something to let another person into our lives. With that being said, I wholeheartedly agree that our morals and basic personalities should NEVER be changed for someone.

Each relationship should be a 50-50....we all have to give a little and take a little.

I also agree that one should not judge a single person's behavior as to what they will be like in a relationship. Again, their core should be the same, but things like OP pointed out such as going out every weekend clubbing/drinking, etc.....those things more than likely would change IF he had a partner to be with.

there are 'acceptable' things and 'tolerable' things

the only absolute change is in exclusivity,, there definitely cant be any others if I am the one

beyond that, I certainly hope my partner changes, not in any specific ways, but I hope they continue to grow and mature with time

I dont expect them to act at 35 like they did at 21,, for instance

if they have a long history stuck at 21 ,, and they are now ,, 40,,chances are,, not much more maturing is going to happen


so, the answer is, I DEFINITELY expect them to be exclusive, and I probably am expecting to see signs of becoming more experienced/mature,, over time

I'm willing to put up with their faults early on but once the relationship starts to get serious I lay down some ground rules. If they won't agree then I'll find someone else.

What people don't realize is the change comes when you meet because their on their best behavior. Then eventually they slide into themselves again, Then you say "but you have changed. Myself I will be just me from the start.
You love your partner for who they are. Change should never be a part of it.

for me, the ONLY difference between single and relationship is the commitment

so, for me, if someone is drinking all the time and at the bars,, they will probably do so when we are together,,, just hopefully not picking up any other partner

and if someone is not responsible in their single life, they probably wont be responsible to our relationship

character traits and habits dont change unless or until the person wants to change them at some point,, and its harder and harder to find people who want to change anything about themselves, their character, or their habits,,,

In a relationship, loving someone means accepting him for who and what he is, everything about him the good and the bad. I don't expect my partner to change into something that I want him to be. But, when you love someone, you always want what's good for him . So when you think that what he is doing is self destructive and not at all healthy for your relationship, being concerned is just right to change him to become a better person but controlling him would be uncalled for. It is his choice to change or not but if he values your relationship, he would come up to a self realization to improve or reorganize his life or make a compromise if he can't totally change.

Should never try to change someone to be what you want them to be. Should except them for who you and what they are.

I have never left or given up on someone just because they wanted me to change in some way.

I have walked away more than a few times, because I realized that what changes they wanted from me weren't possible or practical, or would have resulted in my emotional destruction.

And, I have given up on people who were of the firm opinion that anyone who failed to change, was defective or beneath them in some way.

There is nothing more definitively destructive of a relationship than a failure of respect.

No, I will never expect or try my man to change. He will probably change as years pass by but will not force him to change to things I want.

IMO it's more complicated than that and it isn't all that fair to imply that they are actively choosing some kind of subterfuge.

When you meet someone your body is flooded with hormones.

And the older you are the more you've learned ways to keep those hormones from taking complete control so you aren't like a freshly pubescent 15 year old facing your first love naked for the first time.


They will "slide into" and out of "themselves" over and over again depending on the circumstances and relationship.


Everyone is "themselves" at all times.
"Themselves" is a broad absolute that encompasses how they change over time as well.

No matter how different the facade or social persona is that is still them, there are underlying motives for their behavior and personality to change depending upon circumstances, context, blood sugar levels, hormone levels due to sex, fear levels, mood, diet, stress levels, age related hormone changes, experience, lots of things.

There is not a person alive that is solely one, single, solitary, consistent personality from day one in any relationship.

People aren't onions you peel outer layers until you reach the special prize in the middle.
People in their entirety are a great example of the whole butterfly effect concept.

Underlying personality changes, social facades change, primary motivators change, everything changes to some degree.


You can't keep from changing. Change naturally occurs.
You really think you're the same person as you were when you were 4? 11? 18?
You really think menopause has absolutely no effect on a woman's personality, motivations, desires, tolerance, values?
Or when a mans testosterone levels naturally drop after he hits about 35?
You really think the 200 lb 51 year old woman shopping at Forever 21 or Abercrombie or whatever teens like for the leather mini skirt is doing so not because she fears getting older but because her personality hasn't changed and that style is just "natural" and consistent for her?

People fear change so don't want to face it or believe it exists for them. But everyone changes every single day.

Being able to handle change and understanding how they handle change should be a huge part of loving a partner.

A lot of the reason why communication is so important to a relationship is to be able to communicate what is changing, what is going on, how things are different today from yesterday.

Change should never be a part of it?
Loving a partner itself is a change from when you didn't love them.
A relationship is change from not having a relationship.
If change had no part in relationships, no one would be afraid of commitment. It just wouldn't matter.