Life?

Buddy of mine send me this. It's crude but nonetheless, a joke.

Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.

Here's one
.
Once a girl met with an accident in front of me.
I rushed towards her.
She said,"call me an ambulance."
I called her,"Ambulance"
She died.

couldn't sleep one night cause a girl was banging at my door,
so i got up and let her out

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth.As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His partner said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

lol

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

a newly wed couple both virgins retire to the honeymoon sweet, but after a few minutes they realize they don't know what to do. so the husband phones his dad and asks him for advice.

the father is slightly embarrassed and says, "amm, take the hardest part of your body, and stick it in where she pees, okay?".

a few minutes later the wife phones her husbands dad back and says

"send help!, he has his head stuck in the toilet!".

Gf and bf are sitting beside each other.. Gf decides to secure his laptop by adding password..with the bf watching her...the girl types " brain " as password....boyfriend fell off laughing:):):):):):):):):):):):D:D:D:D. Bcoz computer responded " TOO SMALL"..:D

lol, you're adorable

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

A Italian businessman on his deathbed called his good friend and said, "Luigi, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the IRS...and write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb

A question that has vexed many fine minds since a long time ago

One Halloween, I dressed as a pirate; one old lady came to the door and exclaimed- Oh what a scary pirate! But where are your buccaneers? I told her they were under my bucking hat.


Next Halloween, I went as Douglas Mac Arhtur; same old lady exclaims- Oh what a grand general you are, but where are your armies? I told her they were in my sleevies

it takes two flies of different or same gender to screw inside anything. providing there is a fit-able hole (in the light bulb i mean)