If you were dating someone who lived with their mom, out of necessity for awhile now to have help with kids. And she and kids were "controlling" that person. And the person you were dating felt that familial obligation, guilt tripping and pull, how was the relationship supposed to work if you felt like you were dating someone who is in a "Family jail"......

Don't get my wrong, I know that value of having family support but there are some family members that can be jealous and selfish when it comes to letting you live your own life. And they are threatened by the new person in your life.

How to set boundaries when it comes to potential inlaws, family?

I've always found it easier to date people who are estranged from their family, otherwise there is bs and drama. Sort of like the situation you're describing....

I have no advice for you, and most people aren't willing to listen to my advice anyway.

I hope everything works out for the best for everyone involved.

LOL.....yeah, maybe I'll start dating people who have no parents left alive, Ex: buttinsky mother-in-laws, no kids, especially spoiled ones, and no siblings....lol. I think that narrows my already specific wish, hope for the best list of meeting the man of my dreams down a lot.

Thanks for the real acknowledgement that this is a big issue and other people, especially someones family can definitely ruin or at least play a huge role in the demise of a relationship.

And obviously we can't control the other person to put their foot down, and it seems us putting our foot down only gives the family more ammunition unfortunately.

aha some basic rules in dating would be you have a job, you have your own car, and you don't live at home with your parents. I try to follow that. :3

I've been in a situation like that. It actually comes down to the one who's in that 'family jail' to deal with the situation. He/she is the one that should step up, you as an outsider can't do this, you simply won't get anywhere as you don't have their sympathy to begin with. You don't have any hold on anything in this situation. If you do try, it will likely only make things worse.
So the other person will have to speak up, and if need be mediate as well, until things have smoothed themselves out a bit more.

Very very difficult situations and indeed you cannot make the other person speak up and do something to attempt to solve the situation. She's gotta want to do that herself.

If she's not really motivated to do something about it, and if you're not too emotionally involved just yet, I'd say get out. These things mostly don't work out favourably.

Wishing you good luck!

Good Advice i add in seeking a partner to avoid 1) anyone with multiple head shots only 2) uses weight descriptors such as " a little extra" "curvy" " a few pounds" and " average" as the majority of women are obese( yes i sampled over 800 from four sites so im reasonably accurate!) and 3) actually lives in the city they claim to post! One said lake jackson and later admitted they were out of the country and in Afganistan!)4) anyone not willing to meet very quickly is likely too immature anyway as they lack the courage and social skills to be in a mature relationship that requires trust and openness, not avoidant behavior such as prolonged chats, emails and then weeks later meet and realize there is no chemistry all for enabling inept people to string others along...

If living with the mom is just for help with the kids,yet they all have that hold or control over your friend,something is amiss.Beware.Family usually control,use and abuse weak and indecisive members.Either that,or they are acting that way as a protection for a harmful habit/nature they know of which they wont let you in about for your safety and to save face.Family secrets aka hidden skeletons.I prefer always to be double cautious with secretive and/or defencive persons. Re check the reason of their "being @ mom's for convenience".You might get unpleasantly surprised.best of luck though.

very complex issue.
In one hand you wish to make clear to these people that individuality is important.
In the other... lies a conflict just waiting to happen when
they fail to grasp what your'e attempting to bring the table.

Patience, is key here.
Personally i would explain to the prisoner.
Feeling guilty is natural, but it is not necessary to embrace it.

If the family is coming at the prisoner with ultimatums if he/she
shares experiences with you. Then these inlaws are unbalanced,
pretty much to the sociopathic degree.

Unless you wish to argue everyday with people who have a sociopathic mindset, you only have 2 options.

Either you remove this prisoner from the entanglement ( the messed up family ) for a limited time. Just to show your loved one what is outside of the box.
or,
Run away wiping your hands with it all.

I would not stand there arguing with them. Clearly they have an agenda of some sort and they are not going to care about anything you have to say, unless it benefits their goal.

If it was me, i do both options above. Take the prisoner on holiday/vacation. Show them what's outside the box.
Then place yourself at a distance, so the prisoner has to realise and take steps to come to you.

The prisoner HAS to want to step outside the box.

As for the inlaws, i would post them countless leaflets for mental health support, continuously, for as long as i was with the prisoner.
I would not give the inlaws one single word of communication.
In the end they would explode with hatred. Thus showing everybody their true colours.
Sometimes ignorance is the best way to endure.

What jumps out at me is quite simple - she is not ready to be on her own! Perhaps in time she will be but not now.

When you have young children, that is your life. You failed to mention how old the children are. Also, if you have children and are living with your mother ("out of necessity for awhile now to have help with kids") as you stated, and you think you should "have a life" outside of your responsibilities to them and to your mother who is supporting you, then you need to GROW UP.

If you want "a life" then don't expect your mom to pay the bill, and raise your kids while you go out and "get a life" which breaks down to having sex with someone.

I think an adult who for whatever reason ended up as a single parent living with their parents is problem solving in a realistic way. Sometimes it is the adult that needs help sometimes it is the grandparent who is exchanging real estate for supplemental income or surrogate spouse to help with housekeeping and at least avoid isolation. But it is a family that is surviving and yea there may be some friction and it not fit the TV image of perfection but it works.

It always kind of amazes me when a "lover" wants to come into a family and start dictating that parts of that family should be "kicked to the curb" as dysfunctional because them getting the attention is inconveinant.

When my sons got up and out on their own I lived alone for a while because it could afford to and liked the privacy. Eventually that got lonely and my Dad who was also a widower and I decided to share a home, then live as neighbors, and then live again when he needed a caregiver. Through out that time we both dated and kept the option open we could decide to change that arrangement but an outsider was not going to dictate it to us. Believe me a few tried and were politely "deleted". Both of us were of the opinion that had either of us simply abandoned the other it said more about or maturity, character, and commitment to promises than it did about being dependent.

And I can tell you from observing the people who tried to come in and decide what "should" be they moved on and kept dictating to their next victims until they made their lives stinko. Not only did they succeed in making the family miserable they ended up abandoning the partner when they got their way.

Good relationships don't tear families apart they blend them together. Creating drama and inventing "family jails" bugaboos is just justification when getting over being jealous and earning a place in the family as a partner makes more sense for everyone. Especially the kids. Why do they have to upend their life that was working to make you "happy" or fit a norm that has done more to hurt society than help it.

I live alone but I have a very close relationship with my mother and when she was still working she used to stay at my place during the week because it was convenient for traveling to work. My girlfriend at the time got on fine with my mother but was always giving me a hard time about my relationship with her and I think that she was jealous and trying to control my life.

I talk to my family about my girlfriends and obviously they are going to take sides to a certain degree and slag them off but I still say to them that it's my life and my business and they respect that and don't get involved or cause trouble with my girlfriends.

A few years ago I took a girlfriend to my parent's house for christmas dinner and my dad happened to get ill that day and for other reasons we had to leave not long after the meal and my girlfriend was annoyed and thought that my family had been rude to her and her daughter. I keep mentioning that to my mother whenever she talks about me bringing a girlfriend round because I don't want anything like that to happen again.

It's my birthday tomorrow and I'm going out for a meal with my family and a lady friend of mine is also coming. I don't expect there to be any problems and everybody should get on fine. In fact, with my family it's often actually better that an outsider is there because then they don't want to look bad or get into the sorts of stupid family arguments that we have sometimes when it's just us on our own.

I am living a nightmare similar to this scenario!

Boundaries must be set by the family member, not the outsider, when it comes to the family. You must set your own boundaries with your partner about what you expect, what you want from them and for them. They have to decide how to balance your wants and needs with those of their family. You have to decide if you can tolerate the constant conflict this will certainly create. This situation takes an extreme amount of patience, tolerance, commumication and compromise from both you and most importantly your partner.

Good luck. You're going to need it.

In fact, if you don't really love this person, I suggest you run for the hills.

does the mother not approve of you? that is what I am hearing here? It is nice for the young mother to have this kind of support and help if she is a single parent and it is not an unusual living arrangement under those circumstances. If she lets others "control" her that is her issue to resolve, however, as a single parent she is going to have obligations and responsibilities that you do not (if you don;t have children). My suggestions is to look at choices and at the self as the only thing we can really change is ourselves.

Who is controlling? The OP sounds a little more like someone who is upset because HE does not have control. Let go of that within yourself if you can. Ask your girlfriend if she feels controlled or unhappy with her living arragement and see what she says. Afterall iti s her life. If she is reasonably happy with it you will have to accept that.

A young mother with small children already has a pretty stressful life, and it sounds like you may be adding to that stress. Identify core issues such as having enough alone time with her and talk them over with her. I bet mom could even help you with that one if she hasn't already. If, BTW, the issue is how money is spent. That is none of your business unless you are married. She sounds like a lucky lady who has a mom who will help in this way. When I make choices I often I ask myself, do I want to be a part of the problem, or part of the solution? A more positive attitude toward her family might be a good next step, including a willingness to pitch in. jmmho

You can't control him, only yourself....If you need boundaries, set them and stick to them....What you're missing is this...You chose (are choosing) to date someone who is living at home "out of necessity" so your will either learn to deal with the circumstances or you won't....If he knows his relationship with his family is having a negative impact on his relationship with you and does nothing to correct the problem you have your answer...

From the wording in the O.P. it is impossible to tell who you are talking about specifically as the story is being told ambiguously.

First, it is a hypothetical question:

"If you were dating someone who lived with their mom, out of necessity for awhile now to have help with kids."

It is impossible to tell if you are the person living with her mom, feeling controlled, or the person dating someone living with their mom who is jealous of the family, or a third person trying to give advice to someone else.

Yeah, ambiguous hypotheticals are a biotch ...I went to her profile before I posted, been doing that a lot lately!

For the person on the outside they should have understanding of the position the person they are with is in and have some patience. Whereas the person in the "homejail" as it was said should have the respect for the other to let the family know this new person is a part of their life now and they have to put up with it for a time until both parties have adjusted or the circumstances change.

As a parent myself it is important for me to know my significant other understands and is okay with me having responsibilities that are outside of their control and that there will not be a competition for attention. If she can't be okay with that then I'm not the person she is looking for. Also I don't want to be with someone who is going to give me ultimatums about it either.

"My house my rules"
"there can only be one Queen bee"
"respect your elders"
"Drop your face"

So your can talk to him if she is stepping on
his fingers and toes a little to much in front
of his own kids and you see him as weak.

If he doesn't see a problem then...I guess you
have another problem.
If you know its hurting him because his mom's
a little over the top, the he should use assertive
communication with her.
It's never at a loss, ever if its not the complete
result you wanted; like you were asking for a raise
and didn't get it,but they are considering your
position in the near future.The positives here
are 'you' got it off your chest,they are aware of
your concerns,and in this case,maybe
positively reinforcements from you.

So the best way would be privately and on her terms
(timing) Always use terms like: I feel or it makes me feel like_ _ _ _ when *#&'^&@*- in front of the
kids and I feel they won't respect me.

NEVER say things like,YOU always do this and/or
YOU always say that.

POSITIVE/negative/POSITIVE:
ALWAYS start with a positive,
eg.) I couldn't thank you enough for...
but I feel hurt when @€&'$8#*'*'&# dk..IN front
of the kids and I fear they may start to not listen
to me & give me the respect I feel I deserve as
their father.....ALWAYS close with a positive.


("Did I mention a love your new hair style"
ITS BIN 9 YRS YOU LITTLE KISS AZZ...NOW GET TO YOU
ROOM!

so what counts is that one tries;
not that your efforts were rejected the FIRST time.

"Its Better to try and fail than fail to try" ~FDR~

"God helps those who help themselves
but 'God help you', if you help yourself" ~?~