An old cowboy - dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps - went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, so I guess I am."

After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch. I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. I get up in the morning thinking of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV - everything makes me think of women."

A short while later she left, and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

"I always thought I was," he answered, "but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."
{internet source}



KiK

The Young Gunslinger [ >> ]
It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Bat Masterson sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Bat and said, "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing black, you've got two ivory handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look like a gunslinger. But what's more important, son, is: Can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your left hand?"

Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up at the boy and said, "That was pretty good shooting son. I couldn't do better than that myself, but I do have one good tip for you."

"What's that?" the boy asked.

"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of lard. Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.

Masterson put his cards down again, leaned back in his chair, and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there, he's going to take those two guns of yours and. . . "

The boy didn't wait for the rest of the answer.....




KiK

Randy The Rooster [ >> ]
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy".

"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."
{{{ }}}

Kik

My Pa Won't Like It
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Billy Bob answered, "but I don't think my Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but my Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Always nice to have some good cowboy humor!!! Lmao!!
Thanks!

Cowboy Frank was killed in a stampede and his face was pretty badly mutilated.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Slim and Rusty. The three men had always done everything together.

Slim arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Slim said, His face is torn up pretty bad. You better roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over, and Slim said, Nope, that ain't Frank.

The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Rusty in to identify the body. Rusty took a look at the body and said, Yup, he's pretty well torn up. Roll him over.
The mortician rolled him over and Rusty said, No, it ain't Frank.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?
Rusty said, Well, every body knows, Cowboy Frank had two azz holes.
What? He had two azz holes?!
Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say,
Here comes Frank with them two azz holes.

{{{ }}}

2 azz holes...

BROCCOLI: "I look like a tree" !
WALNUT: "I look like a brain" !
OLIVE: "I LOOK LIKE A GRAPE" !
BANANA: ...
BANANA: "I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME"...




KiK

Thanks,. Kik!.. That was a good laugh!

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

{{{ }}}

Hi Ms Jo
Hi Taz
Thank you folks !
KiK

"Waa waa waaaaaaa."

A cowboy from Texas goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and starts talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?



KiK

Confucius say crowded elevator smell different to midget...

I can see that...kik2me, you are a riot! I'm all smiles here,looking silly...your fault..lol!!!

You just aint too bright are you cowboy ?
Whaatever do you mean pard ?
I'm so bright that some folks call me "Sunny" !

Cowboy: I must be Psychic
Friend:Why is that Cowboy ?
Cowboy: I can always tell when someone is wearing a MOOMOO !



What advice do cows give?
...Turn the UDDER cheek and MOOOOOve on!.

You'd have to be stupid i guess
{Internet source}

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?" GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create." So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvey and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shiney, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that Adam so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you."

Confession time
{internet source}

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy"?"Yes father, it is I. "Who was the woman you were with?" I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley"? No, father. "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" No, father. "Was it Ann Brown?" No, father, I cannot tell you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins". "Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys". Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

The Catholic Priest

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."