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| Topic: What Went Wrong? | |
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Been chatting to a man on another site. He had a lot in common and got on really well. We swapped phone numbers and conversation flowed. We decided to meet.
We didn't gel :( We have everything in common, some of which is really uncanny. He was really keen to start a relationship. I felt he was moving too fast. The other mistake I made was meeting him at his house (I know, not the safest thing in the world), the reason for this is we both play the same musical instrument so had a bit of a jam session which was the best part of the "date". Unfortunately, after a couple of hours I started to feel quite unwell and cut short the meeting as I had a long drive home. He was not happy that I left and made that clear. He seemed quite hurt. I have not heard from him since, nor have I contacted him. My phone did ring last evening and it was a withheld number. I know everyone who's got my number and I think it may have been him but whoever it was didn't say anything and hung up. Could easily have been a wrong number. He did tell me he was the type who wore his heart on his sleeve (he does) and had been hurt in the past. What gets me is how can two people who have so much in common just not gel when it comes to meeting. I'm the type of person who really needs to get to know a person before I can take that relationship further and I did tell him this on more than one occasion in the course of conversations before we met. It seems a shame because we had the basis for a very good relationship and him trying to rush things scared me off. He wanted us to enter a full-on, committed relationship there and then. I'm a bit more cautious and wanted to be friends first and see how things progressed. I'm also a widow. He is a divorcee and has been living alone for many years. We're both in our 50s so not exactly spring chickens! |
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Id say call him & still try to be friends...,seems u may be bothered by the fact he hasn't called......what u have to loose?
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Age doesn't. Really matter...,.... it's. Never too late in life to enjoy. Someone
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Love is a puzzle.
You cannot force the pieces to fit. |
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I have always tried to install a 2 week rule. If after a date or dates and thing don't go exactlty right but you still feel a connection give it two weeks. If after that period your still thinking of that person then call them give it another chance. If anything you could make a good friend from the situation if there hasn't been any intimate involment.
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Soufiehere and DammGirllee you are both right.
Soufiehere is spot on. You cannot force the pieces to fit. I liked the guy but didn't fancy him. The fancying part might have come at a later date - I take time to get to know someone. He liked AND fancied me and made it plain. When I met my late husband we worked together. We became friends and it deepened into something more. We were together 12 years and married for 7 of them. I was always comfortable in his presence. I was not comfortable with this man for some reason even though he was very nice. On hindsight, we should have met away from his house (or mine for that matter) on neutral territory. I will try your two week rule DammGirllee as apart from him holding my hand, giving me a hug (or 10) there was no intimate involvement but I think he's the type that once rebuffed, even perceived that's it for him. For those of you into astrology, he is a Scorpio and I am Sagittarius - a water sign and a fire sign and, seemingly, not the best of combinations. |
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Always, always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone.
There is a former police officer that teaches a whole series on defense for women and he really give a lot of great examples...wish I could remember his name. What it boils down to, is that you're capable of reading body language and many other signs without it surfacing to your conscious mind...you just get a "feeling". I think if you search your memory of that meeting, you'll pick up on some things that seemed "odd" at the time. Sure, you could have been nervous, and could even have been reacting to not feeling well, physically...but my cynical nature suggests the ill feeling was your subconscious telling you to get out of there. It may also be that you've had bad experiences, so your "radar" is highly tuned to some things that may seem innocent to others. I'd argue Occam's Razor, and that you should trust your gut. |
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Love is a puzzle. You cannot force the pieces to fit. ^^^^^ Smart lady right there! |
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Hummm all I can say is if ya'll did not so called gel then what does it matter?
If I meet someone and the chemistry is not there and they don't call me back hell I'm happy. Cause I really hate to give the speech sorry but it is just not there for me..... I refuse to date just to date. If I'm not into them then I don't want them hanging around..... |
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Edited by
krupa
on
Wed 02/22/12 05:56 PM
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I gotta agree.
So what that you got a lot in common? Me and my brother and sister got a lot in common....doesn't mean i am gonna whip out the cow tamer on them. :) A lot in common is a good basis for a friendship. Friendship is a good basis for love. (Though sometimes friends with mutual interests are still just friends.....others are strictly for sex) Me and my dog got a lot in common.....I ain't gonna hump her. Well....if she gets me drunk......maybe You get my point. |
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Been chatting to a man on another site. He had a lot in common and got on really well. We swapped phone numbers and conversation flowed. We decided to meet. We didn't gel :( We have everything in common, some of which is really uncanny. He was really keen to start a relationship. I felt he was moving too fast. The other mistake I made was meeting him at his house (I know, not the safest thing in the world), the reason for this is we both play the same musical instrument so had a bit of a jam session which was the best part of the "date". Unfortunately, after a couple of hours I started to feel quite unwell and cut short the meeting as I had a long drive home. He was not happy that I left and made that clear. He seemed quite hurt. I have not heard from him since, nor have I contacted him. My phone did ring last evening and it was a withheld number. I know everyone who's got my number and I think it may have been him but whoever it was didn't say anything and hung up. Could easily have been a wrong number. He did tell me he was the type who wore his heart on his sleeve (he does) and had been hurt in the past. What gets me is how can two people who have so much in common just not gel when it comes to meeting. I'm the type of person who really needs to get to know a person before I can take that relationship further and I did tell him this on more than one occasion in the course of conversations before we met. It seems a shame because we had the basis for a very good relationship and him trying to rush things scared me off. He wanted us to enter a full-on, committed relationship there and then. I'm a bit more cautious and wanted to be friends first and see how things progressed. I'm also a widow. He is a divorcee and has been living alone for many years. We're both in our 50s so not exactly spring chickens! Let me say this to,,IF he got up-set when you wanted to go home and didn't feel well,,,THATS NOT NORMAL,,,no matter any reasoning of that Nature,,,ANY FRIEND OR STRANGER,,would GIVE YOU THAT RESPECT and fully understand why you needed to cut it short.. Life's funny,,but had he gave you anything to drink,,and did you get worse after being at your house? just saying? he could have slipped ya something? And,,the SHOWING YOU HE WAS HURT? When you wanted to leave,,like HOW?? in anger,,whinny? Thats just all wrong as well..and on your thoughts of how can two people who have so much in common NOT hit it off when they do get to meet,,,well let me say this,,HE MAY REALLY NOT HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH YOU? And he was full of BS? And another thing REALLY CREEPS ME OUT HERE,,is the fact HE WANTED TO ADDRESS YOU with BEING in a relationship with him RIGHT THERE AND THEN!!!,,, YOU and HIM,,just met,,,and he hasn't even kissed you yet? And he want to not jump into BUT FREAKING DIVE INTO a relationship with you? Thats very ODD.. I would THANK GOD for whatever reason you felt ill and tonever see him again would be my BEST for ya to do,,He strikes ME,,as being very OFF CORSE to norms,,and even kindness ,,as to your being sick? |
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Soufiehere and DammGirllee you are both right. Soufiehere is spot on. You cannot force the pieces to fit. I liked the guy but didn't fancy him. The fancying part might have come at a later date - I take time to get to know someone. He liked AND fancied me and made it plain. When I met my late husband we worked together. We became friends and it deepened into something more. We were together 12 years and married for 7 of them. I was always comfortable in his presence. I was not comfortable with this man for some reason even though he was very nice. On hindsight, we should have met away from his house (or mine for that matter) on neutral territory. I will try your two week rule DammGirllee as apart from him holding my hand, giving me a hug (or 10) there was no intimate involvement but I think he's the type that once rebuffed, even perceived that's it for him. For those of you into astrology, he is a Scorpio and I am Sagittarius - a water sign and a fire sign and, seemingly, not the best of combinations. it may be out of your hands - if he has not made contact with you - he may have decided to look for someone more enthusiastic about HIM and open to doing this as he likes as far as a relationship - more his style nothing is wrong with your style but it didn't jive well with his - could be a compatibility concern that he now has but I agree - for the sake of the friendship you began and built a nice foundation for - it's worth calling him to see what he is thinking but don't be surprised if your reception is lukewarm... |
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Always, always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone. There is a former police officer that teaches a whole series on defense for women and he really give a lot of great examples...wish I could remember his name. What it boils down to, is that you're capable of reading body language and many other signs without it surfacing to your conscious mind...you just get a "feeling". I think if you search your memory of that meeting, you'll pick up on some things that seemed "odd" at the time. Sure, you could have been nervous, and could even have been reacting to not feeling well, physically...but my cynical nature suggests the ill feeling was your subconscious telling you to get out of there. It may also be that you've had bad experiences, so your "radar" is highly tuned to some things that may seem innocent to others. I'd argue Occam's Razor, and that you should trust your gut. You are spot on. When I went into the hallway this thought went through my mind: "I don't want to be here. I'm in danger!" I was on my guard the whole time. I can take care of myself as I trained in the Martial Arts for a long time and quite high up. He didn't know that until I casually slipped it into the conversation but didn't tell him what grade I am. I was also a night shift taxi driver for years so used to dealing with allsorts. All of you have given good advice and I've taken it onboard. One thing he doesn't know is where I live. I never told him. I have thought about the situation a lot and have decided not to contact him. We do have a lot in common and he's not b***s*****g there but I know he is not for me. Anyway, I won't be doing much for several weeks as I had an sccident last night and broke my wrist. I'm in plaster and typing this one- handed. |
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I think it's also an excellent example of why these dating sites - virtually every one I have been on- recommends meeting in a neutral & preferably populated location for the first date
I agree with KLC about the lack of compassion - if that's what it was - I couldn't tell for certain from what u said if he was just pouting because he enjoyed your company or he was inappropriate better luck next time! |
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Love is a puzzle. You cannot force the pieces to fit. Wow!! These is so true.. |
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Always, always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone. There is a former police officer that teaches a whole series on defense for women and he really give a lot of great examples...wish I could remember his name. What it boils down to, is that you're capable of reading body language and many other signs without it surfacing to your conscious mind...you just get a "feeling". I think if you search your memory of that meeting, you'll pick up on some things that seemed "odd" at the time. Sure, you could have been nervous, and could even have been reacting to not feeling well, physically...but my cynical nature suggests the ill feeling was your subconscious telling you to get out of there. I do agree only sometimes it can be confusing depending on how manipulative the other person can be....... ive dated someone for weeks then the minute they got what they wanted ..... they moved onto the next victom...... without even a goodbye. You never really can be sure. Then ive talked to someone. For days maybe weeks without ever meeting them...., suddenly I went with my gut decided not to meet them........ all of a sudden they're anger shows ul........ and they call me every bad name in the book! It may also be that you've had bad experiences, so your "radar" is highly tuned to some things that may seem innocent to others. I'd argue Occam's Razor, and that you should trust your gut. |
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Always, always, always trust your gut instinct when you meet someone. There is a former police officer that teaches a whole series on defense for women and he really give a lot of great examples...wish I could remember his name. What it boils down to, is that you're capable of reading body language and many other signs without it surfacing to your conscious mind...you just get a "feeling". I think if you search your memory of that meeting, you'll pick up on some things that seemed "odd" at the time. Sure, you could have been nervous, and could even have been reacting to not feeling well, physically...but my cynical nature suggests the ill feeling was your subconscious telling you to get out of there. I do agree only sometimes it can be confusing depending on how manipulative the other person can be....... ive dated someone for weeks then the minute they got what they wanted ..... they moved onto the next victom...... without even a goodbye. You never really can be sure. Then ive talked to someone. For days maybe weeks without ever meeting them...., suddenly I went with my gut decided not to meet them........ all of a sudden they're anger shows ul........ and they call me every bad name in the book! It may also be that you've had bad experiences, so your "radar" is highly tuned to some things that may seem innocent to others. I'd argue Occam's Razor, and that you should trust your gut. yup I dated a guy who seemed very mild mannered, but when I wanted to end the second date early he slammed my car door shut and gave me a hostile look...can anyone say HUGE red flag there was really no previous warning that he was at all mad...only thing I can connect in hindsight was that his personality was a little pushy and he was not a particularly good listener |
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Yes, I am back. I just wanted to add to this. SOME PEOPLE ARE NOTHING LIKE THEY ARE ONLINE PERIOD. I mean some people from behind a screen name are funny and interesting, etc. You don't know if it took them 3 hours to come up with that funny joke or if they are person like me who those have who met me can speak to this, I talk so fast and fly with the banter so fast most people get mowed over. I mean aside from the danger factors. Some people just are not who they are online personality wise. Even if they are not lying about their job, status, etc. Or even on the phone. AND I go screaming and running into traffic AWAY from guys who try to fly into a relationship with me. I was with someone almost 20 years and it started out as just dating when he wasn't working and chatting on BBS at night after work and that lasted half my life. We took it really slow and easy. 2 years of dating and living in separate places. 1 year of living together to see if we could stand sharing the same space. And 16 years total married which I ended or I would still be married. I always tell guys "desperation is NOT a turn on". At 41, I get guys who are like "We are mature now. Our lives are shorter. We need to hurry". Mature people do not hurry. Mature people have lives that could be screwed up by hurrying. They have something to lose. Never trust anyone who wants to fly into a relationship. Just my two cents.
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I gotta agree. So what that you got a lot in common? Me and my brother and sister got a lot in common....doesn't mean i am gonna whip out the cow tamer on them. :) A lot in common is a good basis for a friendship. Friendship is a good basis for love. (Though sometimes friends with mutual interests are still just friends.....others are strictly for sex) Me and my dog got a lot in common.....I ain't gonna hump her. Well....if she gets me drunk......maybe You get my point. I wanted to add to Krupa's comments. I like guys DIFFERENT THAN ME. It gives us something to discuss and learn from each other. My friends will say wistfully "There is only one Terri......" and then add, "THANK GOD". Dating your clone rarely works out. There is competition about who is better at what, etc. See I would like an underwater welder or possibly an air craft mechanic, why?? Because I have no idea how to do those things and he would never feel threatened and it would be something interesting to talk about. |
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Yes, I am back. I just wanted to add to this. SOME PEOPLE ARE NOTHING LIKE THEY ARE ONLINE PERIOD. I mean some people from behind a screen name are funny and interesting, etc. You don't know if it took them 3 hours to come up with that funny joke or if ... This, too. I'm guilty of being so much more reasoned and dispassionate when I am online, whereas in person I tend to be very animated and read like an open book. I get to choose what time I am going to be online, and if I'm not feeling up to it, I simply don't go, so I tend to always put my best foot forward by default. I can get into a screaming match with my neighbor in the middle of a post, and there is no way anyone online would know. It's funny how public speaking is the number one fear, yet online everyone is so yappy! LOL |
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