I believe in giving until it hurts,,then give more,
But I have learned that if, you give all that you have away.
It will eat out from the inside all of you,,like a cancer,,all that you have missed receiving back...for life is for giving,,yet others want to much. and you die,,in a shell that no one see's,,empty, alone,,unable to dream of hope..somany need you,,so many need help, so many alone and down,,and we're just words on here to be digested.

is that a shoulder belt your wearing?

I think you need that to reign you in?

what are you talking about? no one is dying - no one is giving till they hurt. How does this relate to the topic?

Are you drinking?

I think if you adult enough to have a relationship no matter how new or old a person should be able to talk about it. If you are not willing to and want the throw the silent treatment then you should walk away before things get to out of hand or feelings get hurt. Communication is a huge issue in any relationship so be honest express yourself and try to talk it out like adults. If you like that person enough there should be no need for the silent treatment.

Someone who practices silence is exercising power over themselves, which is a good thing.

If you experience this as them having power over you, its because you want something from them. I think its fair to examine what it is you want from them, and why it is that you want it.

Helplessness can be a good thing. It can teach us patience and humility, in our relationships with ourselves.




Most of the time, this is totally true. Sometimes its the other party who has these issues, and the silent person is coping with them as best they can.

I have been there and back again...
last time it happened i left her in my rear view mirror..I have the power to CHOOSE..
if i dont like being treated like that....i wont..end of story..you see by doing that i took her illusion of control and power over me away and left her facing herself..
if they wont talk...i walk..dont need that negative tension

No one needs that kind of treatment...but I think you still don't understand my point I was trying to make...maybe I'm not explaining myself clearly? I am not talking about casual relationships...I'm talking about what happens when you are in a clearly defined relationship, such as marriage. When the other person suddenly changes, ( yes, there is always a reason for the change..) and for whatever the reason, you don't see it coming...and it hits you out of left field...You are dumbfounded..hurt, and needing to know why...and that other person refuses to say..that is his/her power at that moment in time, and nothing you can do will change it.. Yes, you leave, you walk away..you do not put up with it. In a sense, no matter what you do, you have to put up with it, because there is no way to change it...you make another life for yourself, yes...you pull yourself up by the bootstraps...but that important question was never answered. That is the only power he/she had, and he/she used it to the fullest.

i do get what your saying..i was married to a woman for 5 years and she absolutly refused to commincate/talk...i tried and tried to get through to her that we ABSOLUTLY need to talk to each other about things that bother us so we could resolve them and move on but
she wouldnt have it...it started 2 years into our marriage and i gave up my power over it by taking it personal..i let her thinking corrupt mine for 3 years until i tried that last time to get through to her...it was then that i realized i had been owning her negativity and making her accountable for how i feel by taking it personal..i realized i had givin her the reigns to my sanity and to who i am because it..
so i left her everthing even the truck.
packed a backpack and hitch hiked 130 miles to get home..i CHOSE not to accept that treatment,not to OWN her ...but ONLY after trying like hell to get theough to her...did it hurt? HELL YES!
but it also felt good to sever the umbilicus of all the feelings of hers that i so firmly tied around my waist..

I think I get what you are saying Viv...You didn't get closure and now you are stuck with it...You have to find a way to deal with it, go on, and build a new and, hopefully, better life for yourself and your family...If that is what happened to you, you have my sympathy...How awful!...How selfish of him!

Come on Viv, you know its all your fault.You probably left him in his dirty diapher too long and it gave him a big rash and made him cranky.
God what a baby he was, sorry you went through that, you didn't deserve to be treated that way and I hope you never will be again.

unless the silence is an agreed upon "time out" the silent person is being manipulative - talking about a long term refusal to speak with someone that goes beyond a cooling off period in the context of a relationship. The latter is a wise idea, the former is punishment, usually. There are times where silence is the only answer but if that is true it is the end of that particular relationship. can't have much of a relationship with someone who refuses to talk to you - again talking about silences that are beyond a normal cooling off period.

The main ex i had, our relationship was constantly on and off, and then on again, and then off again (you get the picture). He made several things hard for me. He would be unwilling to commit one day, then a few days later he'd change his mind............again. Anyway, he'd tell me to never speak to him ever again, when obviously talking about the problem, would at least get it sorted properly. Now that i know it's manipulation, i just don't know what to say really. Not impressed at all. Maybe it shocks me to this day because he had the personality of an angel. And he became a 2 cent whore.

The main ex i had, our relationship was constantly on and off, and then on again, and then off again (you get the picture). He made several things hard for me. He would be unwilling to commit one day, then a few days later he'd change his mind............again. Anyway, he'd tell me to never speak to him ever again, when obviously talking about the problem, would at least get it sorted properly. Now that i know it's manipulation, i just don't know what to say really. Not impressed at all. Maybe it shocks me to this day because he had the personality of an angel. And he became a 2 cent whore.

I look for another relationship. Life is too short to spend it with children all the time.

If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all......sometimes the silent treatment is just getting yourself in a place to be able to say something nice.

Over 95% of the time, yes, I agree. But not always.

What is manipulation? Is manipulation always malevolent? Is manipulation anything done, intentionally, to influence another? Is it manipulative if I clean the house, knowing it will make my partner happy, and I will enjoy my time with them?

I'm not convinced that all "silent treatments" involve devious emotional manipulation. I'm nearly immune to silent-treatment-as-emotional-manipulation , and yet a few of my partners have used sustained, non-consensual, negative-emotion-born silence as a way of sorting their own **** out (beyond what you guys accept as a 'cooling off period')



Usually, yes.



I see that you are sharing your own opinion, but I don't see where you make it clear that this is just your opinion. It sounds like you are saying that that nobody can have much a relationship with someone who refuses to talk to them.

Personally, I don't want a relationship in which the other party lies to me, but I know happy couples that lie to each other, and they each know (in a general, non-specific sense) that the other lies to them. To me, this is not a good relationship, but it clearly is a 'real relationship' to them.

I see that you would (wisely, and appropriately to you) end a relationship in which the silent treatment is used, but I don't see how you can say "it is the end" of that particular relationship. Its not up to any of us to decide what kinds of relationships suit the needs of other people.

Thank you Leigh and Betts...yes, it was closure that I needed and never got.. I did get over it however...he still has that power, for that one thing..and unlike insangle...it wasn't an ongoing thing...it didn't happen until he decided he wanted a divorce..so it came out of left field...If it had been an ongoing thing...I could have gotten fed up and walked away...but I wasn't even given that chance...Most of you know my story..he loved me that morning and asked for a divorce that night...over and done in one fell swoop...I'm completely over it...and like my life now...but he HAD the power at THAT time. Given a choice...I would have done the same as anyone...leave and never look back.

well we will have to agree to disagree, then. You certainly are entitled to your opinion, of course.

I was not doing that anyway - deciding anything for anyone else - I don;t care that much about what anyone else does...or thinks, quite honestly

In this case, I think it is fully a matter of opinion, and I agree that we are each entitled to our own.



My apologies, then. I misunderstood this:



I thought you were saying that no one could have much of a relationship with someone who refuses to talk to you.

I think its really interesting to look at this.

Touch is important to me, and most of my relationships are filled with huge amounts of touch. I communicate a lot through touch. And yet I know people who almost never touch each other except when having sex (or not at all, if they aren't having sex).

And speaking of sex, there are celibate and asexual people out there who say they are in great relationships, and others who insist that sex defines whether you are really even 'in' a relationship.

So is sex essential to a relationship? Good verbal communication? Honesty? Non-sexual touch? Shared interests? I see all of these as preferences that relate to different kinds of romantic relationships, for different kinds of people.

no worries - I perhaps was not speaking plainly or clearly enough

yes I agree that the things you have listed are preferences & indicators that will vary in importance from couple to couple

I know I could not be happy in an asexual relationship - I just would NOT feel loved & I am a very physical intimate person

but from reading the threads I see there are folks who do not see that kind of intimacy as essential

I won't live with out nonsexual touch ever again - I lived without that in my first marriage and it made me feel like I was just taking up space (unloved) - same with companionship - I will not enter into a relationship where my man is not my closest companion as I missed this also in my marriage and will not go without it ever again.

so yes, we have preferences and usually a reason for them, I agree

have a good evening massagetrade. I have admired so many of your posts!

AND, think highly of your profession!!

Its horrible and cruel when your dating someone then they just ignore your text no reason.one ex cheated i forgave him asked meet me few weeks later i loved him daft enough to say yes then he just ignored me out of the blue im still feeling it 6 months on how he ignored me his last text im ok just hungry and hot lol what you up to?.or when you go on a first date they say keep in touch or ill see you again you text "no answer" Thats mean they shouldnt say ill see you again why do they do that?? Not as bad as physical abuse though