Gut Feeling

Bravery, hidden behind this shield,
authentic only
to the heart that bleeds for it.

Once I thought you were a coward,
staying away
never speaking to the whimpers and faint breathing
left crumpled and heaped
beneath the pillars of cedars.
Left alone to feel...to feel.

In the still, echo resounds.

Impressive, unafraid, dauntless.
Even so you bled until you could no longer.
Perhaps I should have looked for you, then.
When I finally did look up, only
an impression remained.
A first? No second... just brave... lasting.

SadieLu/2011

Mermaid Song

Aw sweet death
I should have known
Perhaps t'was better
if he turned to stone.

Look into my deep blue eyes
dare not dry my tear.
Tis the sound this siren makes
to tell you she is near.

Tangled in a fishing net
careful you'll be caught.
For she will pull you in the deep
you'll be as though you're not.

Smile away ye fishermen.
Smile and drink yer froth.
Her beauty will but lure yer heart
In death you will be caught.

SadieLu 8/3/2011

Awesome...

This is... beyond compare.
A beutiful write.

And I wonder...
Who is this one that has affected you so?
That you would pause in life to look so deeply?

I usually do not waste time on the "why" of life and circumstance... this was a brief moment.

Smiling just isn't the same

Her light changes
dims and expends
a burst,
to eek beyond
inevitability.

The last day of Summer,
the first day of Spring
and Autumn when winter is obvious,

Goodbyes
She has said her goodbyes.
Her son, many times
when distance kept him away.
and recently, well
a grave is more
than distance bares.
Husbands, she has
outlasted them all.
And if I am not careful
she will say adieu
to me as well.

Memory has taken
care of her sorrow,
Forgetting the past
Pressing forward.

Honesty.
It takes it all from me
minute by minute
and she does not even know.
But I know
and time tells.
Twinkle, twinkle…so very far
and I know not…
where you are.

SadieLu 2011

I'm loving this thread Sharris

Since

I see myself differently
since you found me.
I have realized how
I fall back into a pattern of
expressing my neediness
when I ache so deeply
for your touch,
for the warmth
of your arms around me,
containing...me.
Dreaming of your playfulness
and the hope that I would not
have to wait too long,
I realize it is a bit selfish.
I don't know how to react
without feeling that
I push you away because of it.
Perhaps distance is good,
though I feel sometimes
it is unbearable.
It is these times,
I long for your sweet reminders
of who you see in me.
You are a wonderful man
I feel undeserving.
I know,
just silly emotion.

SadieLu 8/19/2011

so glad you stopped in. Enjoy as often as you like.

a work in progress

pins and needles through layers
probing beneath stubborn
where shackles have
rusted through from tear's
acidic refrain.
I am not who life has been growing
kind. for beneath where I see, feels
barren and void, pricked and sliced thin.
where do I go from here?

SadieLu 8/19/2011

If this is not an emergency

.......press 2


Since 2005 not effective any longer
Geodon
Risperdal...
These are some in the last 2 years
Trazadone
Sertraline
Zoloft
Benzotropine
Lithium
Celexa
Depakote
Divalproex Sodium ER
Seroquel
Perphenezine
Effexor
Clozapine
Zyprexa
Prozac
Ativan
Atarax

Hello, may I speak with her nurse...

do you have the code...****

"Today she still paces and hears voices, carrying on conversations, showing

paranoia.

Talks about her legal rights,

you know that's common

for most in her condition."

Patient Rights:

to do as the doctor says or you are forced...she doesn't like needles so she avoids that. She hates to take the meds.

Mom, they keep trying more, none of them work. Why did the doctor have to change them.

What did I do wrong?



pacing
pacing
a good indication
of restlessness
inability to be restful
need to get somewhere
no where to go
nothing to do there

... purpose
it is so detached
unrelated
overrated
induced
useless internal.

that is not so bad, Mom
it is their words.
you could hear them too
if you would look
look into my eyes
see the silence ?
you can almost hear it
it runs the other way
to avoid being consumed.

hold me closer
do you hear
her voices?
and the doctor tries
Latuda.
Prozac didn't work that swallow...

I hear her voices
and I am on the other side of the world.
Does anyone know my Baby?
Sometimes she feels like
Mary, though I think she was a baby, then.
Is this an emergency? Are you on her list?
Do you have her code? Press...
The extension you are calling is not answering...
please try again. You have a nice day.
Oh, and you get some rest, she's not going anywhere.



SadieLu 8/21/2011

Lessons

Oft times, my focus is so small, leaving room only for my thoughts, my needs, my troubles. Please forgive me for not having room for you.

What I am learning from the surround of love that has held me these recent concerns is that your love has kept me in the place you have always held me in.

Please forgive my short sightedness, my ranting and my selfishness. Thank you for opening your heart and revealing your vulnerable hesitations even though I am undeserving. Thank you for your love.

SadieLu 8/22/2011

until you looked in my eyes

I
believed
you.Your words.
I searched through our letters.
Reading them over and over.
Spelling, capital and lower case,
searching the dictionary to understand.
Inhaling the scent of your promises,
feeling the grains and invisible slivers
that formed the canvas for etching and bleeding.
It offered no solace. I looked into your heart through
the only portal
you offered.

SadieLu 2011

Just To Talk

Some how,
whether we share
or we ingest,
the impact has it's indwelling.
A heart's room we decorate
or, perhaps leave as it was,
with the shadows
of faded markings
where lives are imprinted
in a watermark
barely visible
held up to the light
or left in it's place
where home has always been.
Seems timely
we have met
for just this tender
brief revealing.
Thank you
seems so trite
for such a depth of heart gifted.

SadieLu 2011

Nevertheless

I wanted to relinquish
again...
finally...
once more.
Depart from my wiles,
those ways that
pull in
a tidal motion
crumpling me in my
complacent heap
useless for anything except
retribution
manipulation.

But.
there is always a
...but.
It is pride that rides that wave
sweeping any satisfaction
from grasping
something to hold on to
beneath the visible turmoil
stirred up
as the sands churn.

I question.
What will remain?
On these shores
receding to disappear
dying, over and over.

Washing away
the gritty inconveniences
smoothing until the surface
is no longer easily recognized.

However, what difference does it make?
just a child
is awed by the wonder
of such treasures
found right before their eyes.
I was once a child.

But..
yes,
there will always be that.

SadieLu 2011

Not Always

Falling
is not always less desirable
than standing tall in the stature
we were created in.

That strength provided
in the stability of reaching, bending
that forces our complacency
to be different than
we become accustomed to
in each season,
its own.

What was held high
has to release
to encourage growth,
a continuum.
the nature of life and death.

Recently,
I was caught in a deluge of leaves
letting go
from where they had been
held in their cycle.
There was no hurry
just a meandering waft
carried in the flight of the sudden breeze.

It took me by surprise
being in the middle of the swirling moment.

Burnished golds
amber light
maple reds
infusing dry earthy scents.

Just falling
with no intentions
of getting up.

SadieLu2011

Why do I keep doing
this...?

Selfishly
I grasped
pulled.

Such a covetous
reaction.

You
are not mine
just shared
for a time.
An offering
to hold
a place
to yield.

Why is relinquishing
so difficult?

SadieLu 2011

Rumple..Who?

Tresses for a weaver
to sell for gold.
A glorious mention,
t'was ages past told.

Spin away treadle
fast as you grow
T'wll be needin the more
there's a secret, you know.

Strands coiled and braided
become a silk cord.
Desire for riches.
Seems a noose for the bored.

Spin away treadle
older you grow.
You may become richer
Still, death you will owe.

SadieLu/2011

Beautiful..as you are