...or maybe I should say not coping.

I'm struggling with this whole grieving process. How long does it take before I don't cry morning, noon, and night?

It's been two months since my father passed away, quite unexpectedly actually, despite the cancer diagnosis. I was able to be by his side in the last few weeks of his life, and I can't get the images out of my head.

I know I'm supposed to take comfort in the fact that I was there, that I helped him through it, and that he's not suffering anymore, but I apparently don't know how to do that yet. I question the decisons we made, the unintended horrific results that followed, and whether it all even matters. I can't change what happened. I'll never understand it, but I don't know how to accept it, how to just "keep on keeping on", as Dad used to like to say.

I know he wouldn't want me upset all the time like this. If he's watching me. I struggle with that concept even more now. Is there a God, a heaven, is he watching? I want to believe yes, but I've always wavered between believing and my scientific analytical mind telling me we're nothing more than cells communicating with each other in a remarkably complex and unique network of biological and chemical messengers. When it's over, it's just over. And that's hard to think about now. Is he just, poof, gone? I can't bear that thought...

And so I choose to believe he's with me somehow, which in some ways makes it easier and some ways makes it harder. If he's seeing me lose it so much still, I feel like I'm disappointing him yet again. Ah, this just sucks so much...

I logically know I have to "keep on keeping on". I just don't know how to stop feeling what I'm feeling so that I can do that. It's hard to carry on with normal life when you cry at the drop of a hat. It's supposed to get easier with time...anyone know how long we're talking here?

there is no time limit you will here this over and over time heals

I may be agnostic but I do believe in some kind of life after death.

I guess you never really stop "grieving" but as my cousin said, who recently lost his mother, you just start learning to live life without that persons physical presence...

Im sorry for your loss...give yourself time, as much as you need, dont worry if its "too long" or not "long enough"..in some cultures when a loved one dies, the family members grieve the rest of their lives...

i feel for you, i know exactly what you are going through. my husband passed away very sudden a year and a half ago. he was the love of my live. i am still struggling with the what ifs, and if onlys. my dad passed away in feb and i feel as if i havent even grieved him since i am still grieving for my husband. all i can tell you is to continue to pray everyday for God to give you the courage and the strength to accept what cannot be changed and to give you the desire to keep on living. i do believe in life after death. it brings me comfort to know that they are both in a better place, together yet still in spirit with me. i believe they are watching over me and my family and all the good things that will come into my life they have a hand in. i know that when my life on this earth is over i will be reunited with them again never to be seperated from them again. i will pray for you, take it one day at a time, don't think too much about the future as it is too overwhelming. now is the time to turn your life over into God's hand and make it a daily habit to pray and know that God is in complete control.May God bless you!

The best advice I can give you is resolve any unresolved issues you have with him. In case you are hanging onto something. Writing a letter to resolve it and tearing it up and putting into the wind or something along those lines to make sure you are not holding onto anything.

Then work on keeping your mind in a positive place all the time. It is okay to cry and let it out, there is nothing wrong with that. It helps us. But try to keep positive thoughts.

And after that time. Letting time pass. So you can learn to live without them.

This is what works for me in all grieving situations. As to a time limit. It has taken me up to four years to fully grieve so I don't think you can set a time limit on it.

what is time all about?
it was helping, and now it is letting go.

You are lucky to be able to grieve. I spent two months numbing myself. while the cancer diagnosis was unexpected for my grandfather he was going quite fast. By the time he passed, i could not feel any god given emotion. Not even anger. And I still cannot feel anything.

With my grandmother, it's been almost 3 years and I am still half dealing with her loss. I cried for months after she passed. She was my first death experience and the first cancer survivor of over 20 years that I was close too.

It will take time. How much .. only time will tell. I am sorry for your loss. While I'm envy you can grieve, I am also happy that you are able to deal with it the right way ... unlike me.

one of my best friends and her husband lost their two teenage boys (son and stepson) in a horrific accident a year ago this past july. not that any loss is bearable, but a parent losing their child has got to be one of the most devastating. we surrounded them with love and support, an amazing outpour by family, friends and even community. my girlfriend, after time, choose to live in celebration of their memory, while her husband could never move beyond their death. so he drank himself to his own death in april of this year. how we choose to honor one who passed is on us, but i can't help feeling those gone would be more at peace knowing those they left behind also found some. i'm so sorry for you loss, i hope you find peace.

That is true Bastet.
We can celebrate or we can mourn forever.

The sooner you move between them, the
better off you are.

I have watched lives ruined, years and
years of it when the mourning cannot stop.
We think we owe our loyalty to the memory,
so it never dies.

'Life is for the living' I was told at the
funeral of my fiance when we were 22.
I hated hearing that.
Over time, I saw the wisdom in it.

So, hun, mourn with all you have, for a little
while. Weep and wail.
Then remember all the loving laughing times.
Keep him close that way, smile when he would
smile at something. Do something he would do,
were he able.
Honor him with who you are.

Part of keep on keeping on is working through the grieving process...take all the time you need. As a suggestion, perhaps doing something good (i.e. groceries for a needy family)or the like, on your father's behalf, or anonoumously might help...bringing some love to others should make your spirit more joyful.

I don't know how long it will take you to get over the death of your loved one, but I know from experience it got easier for me after the first year. My husband's death was sudden. He died of a massive heart attack in 2002 that was caused by diabetes. The first year was difficult because I had to face my husband's birthday, my birthday, our wedding anniversary, Father's Day, and all the other holidays for the first time without him. We even had two daughters in college that he wouldn't see graduate. It hurt. I didn't sleep in our bedroom nor remove any items of his from our home for three years.

After three years, I began dating and in 2008 I remarried. My happiness didn't last long. June 4, 2010 while on vacation, my husband discovered a lump in his neck, he went to the doctor in July, in August the biopsy came back positive for cancer, and by September he was dead.

I felt that his death was just adding insult to injury. I had lost both my parents in less than a year and now my husband. However; I am finding peace and comfort in recalling, talking, laughing, and thinking about the things I loved and admired about each of them.

I sincerely hope you find solace in the beautiful memories you have of your father and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Thank you all for the compassion, and advice. I know what I need to do, I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

I think I'm doing okay at times, and then I hear a favorite song with a particular line about "...my father...", and I'm bawling like a baby. Or I see an old man, happy, just driving down the road and I'm a weeping wreck. Not literally, as in, smashed in the ditch beside the road, but the tears just come despite trying to keep them at bay. I can't seem to shut them off at will...something I'm uanaccustomed to...

I'm "keeping on keeping on", doing the things he'd want me to do, attending classes, sticking to the plan so I'll graduate this year. I know he'd want me to be happy, I just don't know how to do it when I can't stop the sadness from overwhelming me when I least expect it.

Sure, take the time and cry, grieve you say, but life keeps happening. People look at you kinda strange when you burst into tears for no apparent reason at the grocery store. They don't know it's because I just saw an old man walking hand in hand with his grandson and it reminds me of my Dad with my son not so long ago, and then it triggers the fact of him dying a day after my son turned 18. When will the warm memories not lead to the difficult ones?

I'm doing the best I can, but I fear, like usual, that it's not good enough...and the one person who inspired me more than all others is no longer here to give me the "you can do it!" speech. I just wonder HOW to do it, not if I can. I WILL "keep on keeping on" because there isn't really an alternative. I'm strong, like my Dad, so I won't quit either. He fought dying as hard as he could, and although I too will lose the fight someday, he wouldn't want me to stop living while I'm still alive, if that makes any sense...

Thank you ALL again for letting me share my thoughts and bestowing advice. I appreciate the kind words tremendously.

Just take as much time that you need..take small steps, one day at a time.. I lost my husband in Mar 07 and then my mom in Oct 07..yes, it was hard.. Just the other day I hear "our song" on the radio and the tears just flowed.. It gets easier but you never forget..keep a journal, that helps some people.. I'll keep you in my prayers...

Grief lasts for different periods of time. However, after 2 months and it is still affecting your daily functioning.... it might be time to seek out counseling and have a depression screening.

There is no magic words, but it sounds like you are going through complicated grief. It may be helpful to go to therapy, so you can speak about your father's death and your feelings in a safe and supportive environment.

I am sorry for your loss.

It took me years. Just about the time I thought I had it under control I would break again crying. It would get real embarrassing to me. It is like grief tears have a mind of there own. The whole grief ball was so tightly wrapped like a ball of twine that when it started to unravel I would unravel with it. I couldn't even go to Walmart without embarrassing myself with it. My grief leader when I went to the grief-share meetings told me that it was okay to cry. I was curious to how to just shut the tears off. I got sick and tired of crying for what seemed like no apparent reason at all. I kept thinking is this stupid crying and laughing and all my emotions and feelings at once. The group leader told me that the closest thing like it to her was PMS. But my thoughts was damn it I am not female and this is just socially unacceptable to me. Grown men are not to suppose act this way. Grief was like some monster that I had to fight. Grief doesn't care what you think or feel or have been brought up to accept. Grief really pissed me off. I kept thinking, "Can't I have one decent emotion or feeling without it getting mixed up with the rest of them?" What a real pain in the butt grief is. After a while I quit even trying to control grief. I would just blubber with the tears. I thought surely I will run out of water and the tears would dry up. Sure made it hard to see the monitor. Freaking eyes would get so red from trying to wipe my eyes with my shirt sleeves. I guess everybody looks at it differently but for me grief just sucked.

Nice!

So very sorry for your loss! There is no real way to grieve. Or time limit. I do not think we ever get past our losses,but we learn to move past them.The worst thing I have seen happen is not grieving at all.
So take your time.And know it is okay.My prayers will be with you !
GOD BLESS!

Thank you Wolfchic, Tanya, Rainbow, Mssilver...

I think the line that strikes me the most is one quoted by Souflie..."the sooner you move between them, the better". I know this!! I just don't know HOW to do this...

Tanya...I have gone to see a counselor the last few weeks recognizing that I'm not handling this too well. She acknowledged that the feelings I'm having are legitimate and normal and is trying to help me learn how to deal with things. It's somewhat helpful but I still haven't figured out how to shut the damn fountain off when it suddenly spouts a torrent of tears at the most inopportune times.

When I'm home alone (which is the majority of the time at least!), it's not a problem. I cry and wail and try to get it all out. It's when I'm trying to "live life" that I run into trouble. I have to figure out how to keep it together in public places. Not that I really care what people think of me, but it's hard to stay on schedule when I'm stuck in a crying jag and can't exit the truck until I get myself under control.

I want to remember the positives of my Dad. I want to not see him shuffling across the floor, a skeleton of the Navy man he once was, or the heaving of his chest as he fought for his last breaths and I lay crying on it in his final hours. I don't know how to stop the painful memories of his final weeks from overriding the happy memories from my childhood. I want to remember him smiling, laughing, sitting on the rock eating our lunch at the top of Mt. Mansfield when he chaperoned my school trip. Or the ride on his motorcycle when I made my first basket. The special times we shared, and that he shared with my son. Instead, I see his face frozen in a hideous grin inside the casket and feel the cold skin beneath my lips when I kissed him goodbye for the last time.

I don't know how to get from here to there, as Souflie said. I don't want to be one of those people who wallows in grief for eternity, unable to move past and fulfill the dreams and expectations we both wanted for me. To fail would be disappointing to both of us. To succeed would honor my father in the only way that I can now. So succeed I must. I just don't HOW to do it yet.

Again, I appreciate you people taking the time to read my story. I know normally posts longer than six words send people running for the hills. To take the time to read these, and then offer kind words, is a testament to the wonderful people that grace these boards. I've been around long enough (although mostly in the background!) to realize that you folks help when you can and for that I'm eternally grateful.

Thank you ALL again!!

Hiya Missy


Reading your story, I had to fight back tears of my own. It's been 1 and a half years since my father passed away from liver cancer(in 3 weeks). I too fought the battle with him and the images, the memories are etched in my brain forever. Life does regain some form of normalcy but I completely understand how the sadness fades in and out.
Heck I still think it's him walking through the door... He visits me in my dreams sometimes.... And that really helps.
Watch for it!

You are NOT alone