Karen, I am sorry things are going so sour right now, but they will turn around, just takes time. Can you forget the failing class and take it over later to lower your stress load? I know stress can make your hair fall out, so does not getting enough protein in your diet. I am sorry about the money situation, fighting with money problems myself, the damn nursing home is giving me grief over dad's bill and I need to come up with his payment for September. I don't know if you qualify for food stamps or not, but I would sure apply for them, you likely don't but make the phone call and find out, and check the food banks in your area. I hate to think of you not having food, that really bothers me. I worry about you, you are a good person with a lot on your plate and you deserve to have a better time of it. You need to be feeding your body to keep your strength up and your brain will have an easier time absorbing your school work too, and your hair will likely stop falling out, and you will handle the stress better. See if you can resolve the food issue first, it seems to be the most crucial one right now, can you borrow from your parents temporarily?? I know it is an ugly thought, but as a temporary fix?? I hope things pick up soon.

Allen, I hope you are feeling better.

I sure hope everyone out there gets to feeling better. I am going through depression again myself... I am still on my meds, but sometimes they do nothing for me. The docs won't change them so long... don't make any sense to me, but that is what he said. I thought maybe he would give me another med to take with it like a mood stabilizer, but he won't do that either. As I have told you before, I am looking for family members. I found my uncle and my dad. My uncle didn't know my dads complete address and now he doesn't have a phone anymore, so no one can contact him, so back to the searching I was for a complete address... I went on every website that you all had told me too, and I come up with city, state, zip, but no street name or house number unless you wanna pay a large fee for one document... I don't wanna have pay a years worth of membership for a one time use. It is not worth it to me. I am on SSI and it is bad enough that I only have a few dollars out of my check to live on considering they took half of it away because of over payment... Then today I go to look at an apartment that was based on income... and it was really pretty.. I was given the application and then came home and filled it out since you have to mail it in to a company, and when I got home and calculated the rent they told me I would pay and the average utilities which was cheeper than anything anyone could find, I realized that I still would come up 100.00 short. I can't win for losing. Living here with mom and dad is becoming hell. They know I am going to be for quite a while, and in my situation it looks as if it is going to be the rest of my life, and they won't even put in a cable line in my room for me to watch TV. Mom never lets anyone watch what they want on the TV except dad, I get hollered at for all the time I spend on the computer, like I really have other things to do. I don't have nothing else to do here. No gas to go anywhere, no TV because there is no cable and even local channels don't come in, and the computer is all I have to keep me busy, and now I get hollered at for being on it all day. Mom watches TV all day, so it isn't like she wants to talk to me or anything. Dad works all day, comes home, drinks a few beers or more, and then eats supper, watches tv and goes to bed. So it isn't like he wants to talk much either. I am just so aggravated with this whole life of mine. No I am not going to do nothing stupid, but gee, I feel like mom and dad just want me to sit in a chair all day and do nothing. I can't get a job because my doctors won't release me to work on count of my bi polar disorder which I think is stupid because I held a job before, but it wouldn't do me any good... I live so far out in the country that it would take more in gas than what I would get paid an hour, a day, or a week. There are no jobs where I live. I had thought about doing some online typing jobs... but they cost money to start up and you have to have a credit card to do all that, and I don't have that... and then when someone orders it for you, they send you a book of different jobs you can do, and then you go to that website and sign up and pay more money...This whole world is all about money... You don't have it, and your stuck. I was hoping someone here could possibly give me any ideas or suggestions about online jobs... Do any of you know any jobs that are ligit and that don't cost so much to start? I love typing, as you all can see, lol, and a job that would deal with computers and typing is good for me if it pays good.

oops... sorry... I got ahead of myself in the last posting... What I meant to say is that the doctors won't change my meds,
BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN ON THEM SO LONG... SORRY....

jjk, hi. Yeah I know how it can be. I was lucky to find the place I'm in right now. Seems there is a money vortex of people sucking away what little we get to begin with.
Just got home from school. Tired. I cleaned the entire art shop today to pay for one of my projects and brought my own stone to carve for the next one. Lots of journal work and study to go with it. Not just hte high school shop class most people take. No mugs or ashtrays.
I have to try to get organized, or I'm going to fail. First time in my life that I feel like I really might not do so well in school and two of my teachers are really wierd.
JKK, hang in there. I had to live with my parents while I did chemo. I stayed in my room most of the time. I did have a computer, but had to pay for my own private phone line to get dial up service. That's all that is available up in the mountains. Maybe you can go to the library. They sometimes have computers and lots of people use them to check thier mail as long as it is web based. I believe this site is web based, since you haev to refresh the page everytime to see the next post. Don't quote me on that though. Reading is a great past time. Better than watching a movie. and lasts longer.
I used to croche when I was really board. Maybe just keep looking in the paper for what you nedd. I know things are based on your income here too, but if you can find a private owner and impress them, maybe you can get into someplace like that.

Hope you find something.

Karen

Be really careful with jobs that want you to have a credit card to sell you something to start working for them, that sounds bogus. Most jobs hire you and then you start working, not you pay them to start working for them. If you are putting money out up front be really careful, might be a scam. Talk to your doctor about releasing you to work, tell him you need to work for your mental health, explain the home situation, that you want your own place, etc., and that it will be healthier for you, etc. If your doctor cares about you, and most do, they will want what is best for you and support you. You have held a job before, tell him you want to work part-time, and see how much you can earn without messing up your disability, that way you could keep your benefits, medical, etc., and still work, afford an apartment and get your life back, and a part-time job would not be as much stress on you and you should be able to handle it just fine and the extra income would give you the freedom you need to break out of your parents home. I would talk to your doctor again. You could try volunteering somewhere to get your foot in the door and maybe get hired that way, but would need gas to do that, I don't know if any churches in your area give gas vouchers or any community action councils around there do, St. Vincent De Paul, Salvation Army, etc., they all give vouchers to people who need them around here, when they have them to give. Just a thought, hope things get better soon. You do need your freedom and to get out of your parents home, I understand how you feel, I moved my parents in with me 4 years ago, I was 52, they were 75 and believe me, nothing changes, NOTHING!!!! Good luck.

I pray for the life of one who is loved, and care nothing for my own. I just exsist.......

Karen you are loved. You are just going through a hard time right now. Sometimes it is hard to ride out the rough times, stress gets to us all, but hang in there, it will get better. You have a lot of friends on here who care about you. You are always there to support other people, and we in turn care about you. I hope things get better for you soon. Wish I could do something to make you feel better.

Sorry to distress you Marie....that really is not my intention, but I can see the way things are going in the threads. They have no idea why Ive been a b!tch for the last few days, so why would they want to talk to me? I know how it is. I know how it goes. Ive lost face and they don't even know why. If they did they might not talk to me at all. That's the way it has been my whole life. That is why I have given up on finding a man. That is why I have NO friends requests. No one wants to make friends. They only want to speed date and or speed marriage/relationship. We are old enough to know that doesn't work. Too many people here think they can just post the world thropugh rose colored glasses, and if anyone other than thier clique has anything negative to say, they block you off, ignor you, get pissy and don't even care that you might be feeling real bad. Im tired of reaching out only to pull back a bloody stump. Marie you have a heart of gold, but really, you are the only one that seems to give a sh1t. Thanx for wanting to help. You are by just caring.

I am not the only person on here who cares Karen, people just get caught up in their own crap and sometimes can't see beyond the end of their nose and don't notice what is going on with their friends, sometimes for days. I understand how you are feeling, I have felt that way too, but wish you could pull yourself out of your funk. I saw your post about the guy, sounds like cutting him loose was the right thing to do if he doesn't treat you right. Give yourself a chance to get over him, don't cut yourself off from all your friends, we do care.

He is not the only reason Im feeling like this. It is biochemical, well most of it anyway. Ive lived with this for so many years and done so much research, I know what I should be doing, but my head says something else. Earlier tonight, I left 3 messages on his cell letting him know how I feel. At least this time he will hear it in my voice and know Im a real person with real feelings. But like I said, he is the least of my problems. Fighting for every breath gets real tiring after a while. I seek not pity or I would post more like this in the general population of the site. And most don't understand and if they do they don't want to deal with it. For most of them this is thier place of refuge, not a mental hospital. They just don't want to hear it or don't care. Like I said, there are people who have much worse problems than I. So I try to be nice, post where I can w/o being to nasty and just puddle through it. Sometimes all I can see is black. So I guess I am just as bad as they are when I come in here to try to escape some of this crap in my life. How can I hold it against them? I can't, so I go on as best I can. Just like most people do. I dunno.

karen i care about you and sometimes all ya see is blac somedays .ya know what?thats cool.your grieving right now and stressed.it will get better.the very fact you are expressing your feelings here is a big step.

hey jkk there are many free sites for that address just keep plugging.Does your town have public housing ?i applied for this place after my divorce.it is based on your income also but if you are diabled and dont work then the rent will be real low.all my utilities except phone and cable aare included.Call your local HUD office or welfare office and check it out.it may take awhile but it is so worth it.

Thanks (((cute))) sorry. I know you care. I'm just a bit of a loon. I have my moments. Like everyone I guess. Just hit a real low, and had to make some hard decisions lately. This guy is the least of them since I haven't even seen him in person for the last couple of months. All I ever get is a few minutes on the phone. So it isn't like I'm having man withdraws, lmao. Thanks to everyone who cares and for getting this bumped up too. I know there are a few people who have posted and I haven't heard anything fromthem after that.

Hey, I care... Yes we all have problems, you are right there, and men aren't worth all the trouble to me... I was abused for 6 years before I finally was fed up with it... But then again, my parents pulled me out of that relationship... Things will get better... just give it some time...

And for all of those who posted... Thanks for the advise... I checked into St. Vincent De Paul, and they don't do that anymore where I am from... the only thing they do is give out furniture to those who need it... They don't do the gas vouchers...but that is ok... my dad agreed to put gas in the car after a huge arguement... I explained to him that I didn't think it was fair that I do all his beer runs because he is to drunk to drive, and then he complains when I can't go because I don't have the gas... All of my running is for him and mom, and I never get gas in the car... So he changed his tune real quick.

Also about HUD... There is a 2-3 year waiting list... It wouldn't be so bad if it was just our county included in that, but since I live in a small county, it is combined with another county... SO that makes it longer... Our County alone would only be about six months... but since it's not, it is longer. The place that I checked into before was HUD houing... you just didn't need a voucher... it was subsidized housing... based on income without a voucher. I still couldn't afford it... but I am going to check into the HUD list now... I talked it over with mom and she said that I could stay here and she wouldn't make me leave... She said that I could stay as long as I wanted and if I wanted to sign up for HUD that I could stay here until I found a place... That made me feel a lot more stable...I was afraid I was going to have to jump from place to place all the time live I did before...

Hang in there everyone... I know it is hard right now for those going through a hard time. God will bless all of us one of these days... He is just waiting for the right time. I know we sometimes want to rush that, but it doesn't do us any good... All of you are in my prayers... Everyone, keep your chin up, and things will get better soon... (advice from my mom to me, that I am passing on to you.)

Well you can tell ev'ryone I'm a damned disgrace
Drag my name all over the place.
I don't care anymore.
You can tell ev'rybody 'bout the state I'm in
You won't catch me crying 'cos I just can't win.
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

I don't care what you say
I don't play the same games you play.

'Cos I've been talking to the people that you call your friends
And it seems to me there's a means to and end.
They don't care anymore.
And as for me I can sit here and bide my time
I got nothing to lose if I speak my mind.
I don't care anymore I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
We never played by the same rules anyway.

I won't be there anymore
Get out of my way
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore
I don't care anymore I don't care anymore

Well, I don't care now what you say
'Cos ev'ry day I'm feeling fine with myself
And I don't care now what you say
Hey I'll do alright by myself
'Cos I know.

'Cos I remember all the times I tried so hard
And you laughed in my face 'cos you held all the cards.
I don't care anymore.
And I really ain't bothered what you think of me
'Cos all I want of you is just a let me be.
I don't care anymore D'you hear? I don't care no more

I don't care what you say
I never did believe you much anyway.

I won't be there no more
So get out of my way.
Let me by
I got better things to do with my time
I don't care anymore
D'you hear? I don't care anymore
I don't care no more
You listening? I don't care no more
No more
You know I don't care no more
no more no more no more....

This is how I feel
By Phil Collens

Let it go. She is not the end of your world. Stay away from her, and all will right it's self. Start your life over new. Find new things to do, and play with the people you love and like.
Make new friends. If not on this site, then another. Don't care about her or what she thinks. Stay away, let things flow.
I just dumped the love of my life, or at least one of two. One being my 1st hubbie and him being the second I have been in love with for the last 6 years. I told him to go to hell.
He was using me. Bad. It hurts like hell when someone you think loves you, hurts you bad, but it is not the end of the world.
Start your own world over again. Wish I could follow my own advise. But all we can do is try. And also stay away from those things that make us feel worse than we already do.

I have let it go, that's why I posted that song because I don't care anymore

As long as it is just her you don't care about and not yourself, that's fine. That's the idea and that's the way to start new.

O.k. First I want to thank each and every one of you for helping me out by giving me website names to help find my family. I put messages on message boards on every website given to me... Today.. I was laying on my bed listening to the radio, and I had this strong urge to check my email. So I get up and check my email, and a man emailed me and thought that he may be a distant cousin of mine, and started giving names of family members. So I emailed him right away to tell him that some of the names are names of my family members... He mentioned the name Ruby, and that is my grandmother.. So he gave me her address and phone number... I called the number and sure enough it was my grandma who I have never talked to or met before... She was telling me my dad is ok, I have aunts and uncles, and people who have been searching for me for 7 years and were unable to reach me because I moved so many times... which is true.. and they said that they would be more than willing to send me a plane ticket to come and see them for a while... I am so happy and blessed... And I just want to thank all of you for your help...If it wasn't for you all, I would have never heard from the man who gave me the number... I would have never known to check the websites you gave me... Thanks to all of you. God Bless.

That's AWSOME! I'm so happy for you. Keep us posted ok?