Have you seen a doctor Knight? All you may need is some counseling. I hate being on meds, and might just go off them. They aren't helping me at all. Counseling may be the answer for you...I am so sorry for your losses.

Knight, you have had a tough row to hoe, my friend. I know the idea of taking meds is unacceptable to some, but they can be the difference between life and death for others.....myself being one. I have severe depression / anxiety which I have fought since childhood. It took a while for a diagnosis and the correct combo. of meds before I found an effective remedy for my disorder. The meds have saved me. I still get down, but if I take my meds regularly I can keep my head above water. W/out them I am almost immobilized by the depression and hateful to be around due to the anxiety. If you have a chemical imbalance, it may take chemicals to equalize and balance you again.

I'm preparing to endure a second holiday season after losing my wife to suicide, it's too hard....

So sorry Boozer, I hope that is just your screen name and that you don't really imbibe to a big extent. Booze is a serious depressant and makes matters worse. The holidays do suck on so many levels and when they are combined with an anniversary date it just makes matters so much worse. Do you have friends or family you can talk to??? Have you talked to your doctor or tried counseling to deal with your feelings?? There are bereavement groups out there that help family members deal with losses like this. I would recommend talking to friends and trying to keep busy, but some people also do something special to remember the person. Plant a tree or flower or bush, do something special to honor that person, to give yourself a chance to let out your feelings of grief.

It is good that you are planning for it early, gives you time to be ready for your feelings, not surprised when you realize the anniversary date is here. Take care.

New Year's Day is the anniversary of my grandpa's death (1984) and to this day I still feel depressed as it nears, I miss him so much, he was more of a parent to me than my parents were, so I start to remember him and the good things about him, the good way he made me feel, the unconditional acceptance he had for me and try to turn the depression into good memories of him, and not drag myself down so bad. But it is still sad for me.

Knight - I think you should talk to your doctor and check into counseling, so much loss in a short period of time is very hard to deal with. You could also check to see if your hospital offers a bereavement group. Ours does and it is a good group and it is free. But check with your doctor about some medication to help you through this rough time. Doesn't mean you will need it long term, but will certainly make you feel better for awhile and your life more livable. Read Lily's note, she knows what she is talking about. Take care.

I am so sorry Boozer...that has to be very difficult.

Marie has good ideas..doctor or bereavement counseling. Take care.

Just thought id give a update.
well i'm finishing up my full final days at the gas station.. I will be honest i miss it. I also am suffering from the biggest case of the jitters. I just have alot of doubt and fear right now and im leaving a place where i feel safe to try and make my life better. and it is really scary

got a quick question here..........

i felt a panic attack coming on this morning.....i did my relaxation breathing and visualization (ALWAYS works)........i feel perfectly fine.......20 minutes later and BAM! i have a full blown panic attack with SEVERE chest pain.......i don't understand why after calming down it just hit me full blast like that.....i couldn't get enough air to be able to breathe well enough to try to calm down.........

Amber - I wonder if you took enough time with your relaxation and breathing. Maybe once you felt calm you went right back into your routine and your body hadn't relaxed long enough?? Did you drink any caffeine right afterwards?? I am just making guesses here, your doctor would be the one to talk to about this. Holidays bring on all kinds of extra stress, but you know that. Sometimes when people are stressed they drink more pop or coffee (extra caffeine, or chocolate - caffeine too), does sugar bother you and holidays are notorious for people eating extra sugar. I have no idea, just some thoughts. I have had panic attacks but only while I am sleeping and they wake me up with my heart pounding so hard it feels like it is going to jump out of my chest and I am dripping wet and they scare me to death. I had 5 one night. Mine were all related to job stress. Haven't had any since I quit that job. But had one that woke me up with my teeth chattering and I couldn't make them stop, and heart racing, seemed like it lasted forever, of course, it didn't, but jaw ached the next day. But I have never had one during my awake hours, really strange I guess.

I would look at your diet and see what you ate/drank before you had the feeling coming on, and what you did right after your relaxation and breathing. Was there something you did that could have triggered it, someone you did unconsciously?? Other than that, talk to your doctor, these are my only thoughts. I hope you can get a handle on these things, they are scary.

Jeff - change is always scary. It is ultimately your choice, you don't HAVE to do it, but if it is something that will make your life better and put you on track toward your goals, then it seems like it is worth the risk. Venturing outside our comfort zone is always scary. We all go through that when we start a new job. Good luck.

I just love this thread because with it I don't feel so alone. Haven't had any panic attacks in a couple of years but was chatting with someone at the time when I had mine. Then I chatted with someone who was having them. Sharing really helps even if it is online. My trouble with leaving my comfort zone is geographic cures. Thinking that going somewhere will fix it when it is me. I am still taking me with me and I become the problem. It is good to know that one has options and something to fall back on. When my thinking gets really screwy I go to be with others and sometimes it is helpful if I socialize before it gets too screwy. I have to remember that an addict alone is in bad company because that is the one an addict last used with. Sometimes when I miss a meeting I can really feel it and at other times I can go for days and be ok as long as I am socializing with someone. It is when I start isolating too much that it can be a problem. But one must take risks at some point for growth to occur. Having two loving pets has really helped a lot.

Marie may have a point with your diet Amber. I stopped having panic attacks 3 years ago...I remember I stopped drinking Cokes then too...the caffeine may be a contributing factor.

2 years ago, I lost alot of weight and ate very healthy. So diet and exercise may be a reason why I am not having them. Something to consider....

well ken ya look mighty fine
amber ,i usually have a mini one that goes away,then the big one hits.i usually get them if i drink to much caffeine or imbibe a wee to much sugar.i love coke to much to give it up but i do limit my intake of caffeine big time.visulisation has never worked for me because my mind is always racing but it does sound like you have control over it.this time of year is the worst time for me.good day to all.

the thing is.. i kinda have to marie.. i woe a ton in student loans and wont ever pay them off where im at right now though i love it there.. so i have to venture out of my zone of comfort

hey everyone, glad to see everyone being so supportive, and helping each other. I'm too tired and depressed to even rant, so here's some love instead

Boozer is only a screenname...I AM battling alcoholism..but if you would've come home & seen the way your spouse was killed the way my wife was killed, you'd be an alcoholic too. I'm not jumpin' anybodies case here, but this ****'s drove me crazy. I'll admit to you guys...I've been so damn depressed...I have'nt worked in a year, I snap at others for little things....My wife is dead because the decision that I made sent her over the edge. And now..I'm down to makin' up reasons not to eat a bullet myself..Thanksgiving night I dreampt about her, & she was pissed guys..she made me feel it. Now christmas is around the corner and I don't know how the hell that's gonna turn outYa know, I tell this to alot of people, and even Vietnam vets can't believe it...Man, if anybody's got any suggestions, I'll listen to em' cause I'm out of ideas..

mb and Marie.....it's not the caffeine, could be my diet tho.....i'm fighting like hell to lose weight (lost 50 so far and hit a plateau)...........i think it happened like that because i was stuck in the truck with my bickering, also ill parents.............. .....i'm also missing my ex fiancee and all.....this is my first holiday season without him, but i don't want to go back and don't want him back either, grrrrrrrrrrrrrr i don't know what to do!!! i can't talk to my parents and i don't really have anyone that is willing to help me with all this crap!!!!! i'm bout ready to give up and just balloon back up to over 300 lbs and just let my heart give out on me.

Boozer--you need to see a doctor as soon as possible. You definitely have a serious problem that is way too far advanced for anyone here to help you with. I will be glad to support you and talk to you, but you will probably need some heavy duty counseling and maybe some medication.

I can't imagine what you have gone through...I am so sorry this has happened. But you need help...the 1st step towards dealing with all this pain you have is admitting you need professional help. And as soon as possible, please seek that help. There are free mental health clinics all over the country. Good luck to you!!

Hi Amber---you can't give up the diet. You have to keep going. I am where you are. I lost 120 lbs and there were plenty of times I wanted to quit. But I kept going and I am so glad I did. I hit many plateaus...they will pass.

What helped me keep going is to realize something that sounds so easy, it's stupid! I kept telling myself that noone but me can lose the weight. I have to do this for any shot at happiness and to get out of this depression malaise. Being overweight made me depressed and when I am depressed, I ate. I had to break that viscious cycle. Just keep it going....you will have up and down times of frustration.

I am sorry about you missing having someone in your life like your ex-fiance'. I miss my last girlfriend very much. But I have to move forward...no reconcilliation is in the future. This was going to be a very special holiday for me, but no more. But you have to keep in mind the true meaning of the holiday and give your pain to God.

i am the same way ken.i am overweight and it makes me mad and depressed.Amber keep up the diet.the best revenge on pain in the ass people is to look good and feel even better.i am attempting to excercise regularly with limited sucess but i am forcing myself because if my ass gets any bigger,i am going to be able to claim it as a dependent..

It is so hard Jax..especially when you are depressed. Hey, I could have claimed my ass as twins!!