Your very perceptive my friend

I agree this is between the two of you. But since you've asked....I believe marriage should be forever. It is work and it is worth trying to work things out. Honesty is the key. Work together to set some ground rules with your finances that you BOTH follow. Pay the bills together. Explain your fears, stresses, etc. I know, I know, men don't "talk" about your feelings. I'm not asking you to break the mold, just include her and make sure you let her know you expect the same.

I'm completely naked right now....oops, wrong room

yes possibly. depends on a few factors

Ok let me just start with this
FOR BETTER, FOR WORSE.
YOU TWO HAVE MADE A COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER. Both of you need to go away for a weekend and be alone, whether it is to argue, or stare silently out the window. It could be a great chance to make love like you were kids again. This whole " I need time thing is for players. I have had many girlfriends, that when the going got tough, they went elsewhere. Please put all aside and work on you two. Also slow down !! Yes you accepted her as a non-working mother, but geeze talk it out. work on it, this is what's wrong with all of us, as Ameicans.. work, work ,work. Cut back and spend time with your family, tell them you are going to slow down and you need them to understand. I work in a hospital. I see men and women everyday coming in with heart problems and mental stress that lays them out for weeks. Let me ask you this...what would you do if something happened to her. What would she do if something happened to you.. go work it out! C

Its me again this morning. To answer a few questions from last night, which totally got out of hand because of my own emotions running rampid.

No, there was never any physical or mental abuse. Because I have a business spirit, I did create a possible online bizz for her to work from home if she wanted, but she never did anything with it.

I did come home everyday after work and spent the time with the family...either playin with kids, or watchin a movie with the family, or going out with family. I would wait till everyone was asleep and go back downstairs to catch up on work.

She was a very good woman, very loving and caring just had never made her career or education a priority in life and yes, i knew that when I married her. And yes, it did not matter to me then. When we married it was me and her and my 2 year old and I made enough money to support and make us very comfortable.

3 Months into marriage her 2 Tennage kids wanrted to come live with us, and I encouraged it. I could see she missed her children greatly, and I wanted to see them all happy.

At that time, I did not know how expensive Teenagers where...and didnt have a clue her Ex Husband wouldnt send any child support for his children.

After about 6 months, I started feeling the strain financially. I asked her to get a PT job, and possibly enroll in school to further her education. This was a very loving one on one conversation. She agreed, saying that she always wanted to do this. So i told her I would support and help her any way I could.

As far as her agreeing on wanting to do those things and actually doing them....lets just say, she never really got anything going as far as job or school.

So it became a issue, it started off me asking or reminding her during day she should becallin or enroling, or filling out papaerowrk. Which all seemed to never get done.

Then, her daughter went to visit her dad in GA. While she was gone she ran the cell phone up to $1,100 in 2 months. Which made thigns alot harder.

Calmly, i asked my wife what had happened? and could she help me out with it, I budgeted $250 a month for the cell phones, not $1100....

to make it short, she told me she called cell phone company and worked out a payment plan...and she said she would handle paying it out of the weekly money i gave her for groceries, gas, kid stuff. I mean I bring home $1600 a week after taxes, and I was giving her $400 a week for groceries, ect..kid stuff....and she aid she would work it out of that $$.

Well 1 day b4 cell phone bill was due, I asked her...her hunny, is the phone stuff taken care of? She said Yep!

Next day all cell phones where cut off. This comes after months and months, of me giving her budget $$ for stuff, and her always going over, or leaving stuff out and Id have to end up giving her more.

I was at that time so stressed....i left for the night.....came home the next day and realized....she wasnt trying to help me financially....i mean I didnt expect ehr to go out and make anywhere near half of what i made....i just really wanted help with her not spending so much....and creating more bills....

well, i got too stressed out...and i asked her if she thought she would have a better chance gettin back in school and finding a job if she went to her moms for a while...

And she said probably...bcause she knew more people, all her family was there....and so..we agreed she would go and try and do that for a short time, and if it worked...she would stay and get her stuff together, and in juine when kids got out of school..i would sell house and buy one alot closer to her family....that was what we agreed on...

what happened next....is what sent us into the downward spiral....after a week her being at her moms....we got into a argument on the phone....when she got there,.....she had started going out with her old friends....every night...till wee hours in morning....and was sleeping all day when i would call her....and i got upset....i couldnt help it, i really wanted to try and work all this out....and instead of her going there and starting to work on things she said she could do there....easier...she started blowing it...

so we had a bad argument....so thats what got us to here people....i never mistreated her...u dont do that to someone u love...and i even want her to come back especially for the kids sake...her 2 kids...have been bounced back n forth from there dads to her all there life....nothing ever stable...until they came to live with us...

i made the mistake of pushing her out, now i know....i wish i would have trust tried harder.....especially for the kids sake....but now, she has had a taste of going out again with her old friends....and most of them are into psycadelic drugs....pot(which i dont see nuttin wrong with), acid(bad), and mushrooms, ect...all kinds of ****...she hung out with a hard core hippie group in Tideater Va.

she stopped all that with me...except for pot...cause i never seen anything really too bad with pot...This is my 1st marriage, and i also believe in for better or worse....she tells me she still loves me and knows how wonderful a man i am....

but ur right...her pride was bruised badly when i made that mistake asking her to leave.....i really am givin her the space and time she says she needs....she says she needs tothink/..but i find out she is just doing the same stuff she did b4....hanign out all night.....sleepin most of day....and i know her kids are hurtin now more than anything....

at home...with me...she cooked every night for them...got up every morning with them to get them off to school...ect..was really involved...but now i dont know....

its just screwed up...so there u guys have it....thats how this all came to be....

not sure what i shouold do now....but know i still love her, and love those kids....and wish i could make it up somehow....

but thing is....i honestly dont know whether to keep giving her space..or go so she can look me in the face and see my sincerity....and maybe she will come to me....i dont know....im willing to do whatever it takes...

somethign in my gut keeps tellin me to go to her...and tell her face to face how sorry i am...and how much i love her....

You are perseverating.

Relax.

what do u mean?

Perseverate.

perseverate
1 : to repeat or recur persistently
2 : to go back over previously covered ground

(Merriam Webster)

well lilith....if you where her...what would u want me to do? or if you where me...what would u do?

Good morning! Maybe I was a little harsh yesterday, but with the information the way you presented it then, well, let's just say you came off badly. Today is another day, a new perspective and hopefully a step forward for everyone.

So, my 2 cents, and it kind of goes back to the same theme as yesterday. Your wife is who she is, you cannot change her, fix her, save her, etc. The only person who can do that is HER and she'll only do that if she thinks it's necessary. From what you've said above, I see a couple of possible scenarios. (A) she's using the hell out of you to have the life she wants on her terms instead of creating it for herself. And, she's telling you exactly what you want to hear in order to have it continue. Or (B) she really does want to make changes in her life and is paralyzed by fear, self-doubt and/or quite simply not knowing how to take the first step (or all of the above).

The solutions are not pretty, because they lead to pretty much the same thing. YOU cannot fix her or save her from herself. The only person who can is HER and SHE needs to take the first steps on her own. You can, of course, support her, encourage her etc but you can't do it for her. You can't even push her as that will only lead to more situations like the one you are in now and lots of resentment on both parts.

So, in other words, in my opinion, you BOTH need a little time and space away from this. Her, to figure out herself, and you, to figure out the best you can what it is that's going on in her head, and then figure out whether or not you can live with it, peacefully, non-resentfully, and happily for the rest of your lives. If not, it may be time to call it a day. It's sad for her kids and I know you care but to keep them in such a relationship is not good for them either.

Yea, see, i was supporting her....but started to become pushy bcause we as a family needed her to do some things...not because i couldnt afford to take care of us all, but because she was creating so many more bills that i started to not be able to afford....

Still perservating.

You can't worry about things which you cannot control. Stop. Just stop.

ur right lilith.....ill just wait..and if she loves me...she will come back....i already had talk with her a few dyas ago...and i guess ur right....

jayboy - we can truly empathize with your situation however, I truly think you are looking for a quick fix here. Dude, chill, relax, listen and stop talking.

This is an extremely personal matter, we as members know it's one sided, we hear your side and try to give you ideas/ etc. But you dont let one absorb when you are looking for another, kind of like a control issue. You dont hear what you want to hear, so you dress the issue up in different clothing still searching for 'your right' answer.

The woman is hurt, regardless of how much money you make, how much you did, blahblahblah.. she is human and her feelings were hurt.

focus on either helping her heal her pain and respect her when she asks for space/time.

good luck

let's just say you have a bad attitude in regards to her possible contributions....

maybe i do...guess ill just go and find somehting else to tlak about and try and get this off my mind.....thanks everyone

You know, you've made your point that you were supporting her, good for you, parade thrown in your honor. Sarcasm aside, which I know is not helpful, you really need to look at your responsibility here, which you don't want to do. You accepted the financial responsibility of her and her children. End of story. You enabled her to keep creating new debt for you. And you threw her out on the street (or to her mama) in a temper tantrum over what was at least partially your responsibility. Only when you can accept YOUR contribution to the failure of your relationship (at least at this point), can you even begin to work on fixing it.

And I reiterate, if I had it thrown in my face on a day-to-day basis that I was a worthless piece of credit-card wielding, non-educated (i.e. stupid) trash, I'd be glad you kicked me out and I wouldn't return. Which you may not have said in so many words, but your actions stated this, loud and clear.

Suzin.... great posts. You really put a lot of thought into them and did a beautiful job being objective and communicating. It was a pleasure reading what you wrote.