Well i think i finally figured out why i am single..lmao

Gettin sleepy...

thx golf glad to see folks get a kick out of them...

whenever i can

But they look soooo good...lol oh wait im only 34...whew...

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant.
So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done.

The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it
back the next day.

The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty
and the lid was on it.

Doctor: What was the problem?

Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand... nothing. So, I tried
with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...
nothing. Her left hand... nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's
friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth.... still nothing.

Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?!

Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen
cup.

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful
women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly
the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except
me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be
punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!",
said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis
off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

A little girl at the zoo asks her father, "What's that hanging down from
the elephant?"

"That's his trunk," the father replies.

"No! The other thing," persisted the little girl.

"Oh. That's the elephant's penis."

The little girl replied, "Hmmm. How come when I asked Mom she said it
was nothing?"

"Well... your Mother is a very spoiled woman."

A guy was listening to his kid say his nightly prayers.

The kid says, "Goodnight mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma."

The next day the grandma dies. The guy thinks this is really weird.

That night, the kid says "Good-
night mommy, daddy, and goodbye grandpa" The next day the grandpa dies.

The father thinks this is really weird. That night the kid says,
"Goodnight mommy, and goodbye daddy."

The father freaks. He's thinking I'm gonna die. So the next day he goes
to work really slowly and carefully, and is nice to everyone at work.

At the end of the day, he drives home really carefully and collapses
into a chair.

He says," Honey, can you get me a cup of coffee? I've had a really bad
day." She says "YOU'VE had a bad day! I found the mailman dead on the
doorstep!"

The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before
St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter asks
Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven.

She takes off her top and says,
"Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm
proud to own them."

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks the Queen the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of
her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. She screams,
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she
performs a disgusting hygiene
act, and gets in, and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter,
"But a royal flush beats a pair any day."

An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher was
talking about the healing powers of God.

"To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the
screen & I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.

The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on
the top of the T.V.

The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep
into his pants.

His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"

A guy calls a buddy, who is a horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend over to look at a horse.

The horse rancher asks "How will I recognize him?"

That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

The midget goes there, and the rancher asks him if he's looking for a
male or female horse.

"A female horth."

He shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

The rancher picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

He picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that; Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit"?

Not sure but it would be my guess that they have a bbbbbbbaaaaaddddd
stuttering problem..lol

Three Labrador Retrievers - 1 brown, 1 yellow and 1 black - were sitting
in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything -- the sofa,
the drapes, the cat, the kids, but the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab asked, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the vets
are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees, I dig just for the hell of it.

When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets, but I went over the line last
night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you at
the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump
everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down
to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, Prozac
for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within.

Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real
workout with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone."

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm
thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."

A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from, of all places, the family room.

She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy. The wife
asked, "What are you doing!?"

The husband replied, "I'm watching the ball game with my son-in-law."

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she
was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her
husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And
jump out the window. My husband's home early!"

I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the
sheets. "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.

"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the
least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon.

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend
in" as best he could.

It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying
him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free
having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes
under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you
always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look
alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns
to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.

To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of
his house.

So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home
he sees the lantern and says to himself "Theres my house and there's the
lantern I put on the porch."

Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the
door, "I knew it, this my house cause my key works."

Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes
to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house
cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he
announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing
twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations
of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The
bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that
weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh
now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is
puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at
birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces,
'Had him circumcised.'

A guy walks into a bar with his midget wife and takes a stool, with his
wife standing next to him. The bartender was busy at the other end and
didn't see them when they walked in. When he got done serving the
customers there, he walked down the bar and asks the new customer what
he would like. He asks for two glasses of beer, which the barman brings.
After leaving him, the bartender goes about serving other patrons, when
he notices the man has finished his beers. He asks if he would like a
refill, and the man says, "Yes. I'll have a couple more. "The barman
gets two more beers and sets them in front of the man. Never having seen
anyone with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asks him, "Why, do
you order two drinks at a time?"

The man replies, "Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife."

Astounded, having not seen the midget wife, the bartender says, "Your
wife? Where is she?"

"She's standing here next to me."

The bartender, standing on his toes, leaning forward looking over the
edge of the bar, utters, "Well, I'll be God damned, she ain't any bigger
than your fist!"

The man replies, "No, but she's a lot better!"

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her
husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a
few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the
door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes,
trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into
the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same
woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."