A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. 'Nice bike,' the cop said.

'Did Santa bring it to you?' 'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl
a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa; the **** goes underneath the horse, not on top!'

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....
.....and then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!
.....and then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
....and then the fight started....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
......and then the fight started.....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....
.....and then the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too!
.....and then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
....and then the fight started....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
......and then the fight started.....

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas,he asked the audience for total quietness. Then, in the silence, he started
to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, "Children, every
time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence."
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: "Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!"

My neighbor's husband, being unhappy with her mood swings, bought her a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor her moods. We've discovered that when she's in a good mood it turns green and when she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy her a diamond...

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra. "Can I have 6 tablets, cut into quarters please?"

"I can cut them for you," said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."

"I am 96," said the old man. "I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and
vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of green leaf lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the drunk's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
Are - my - test - results - back ? "

A rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the
host said, 'I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.' The words were
barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,'

'No, that's okay. I don't want it,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet how about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual
purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.

'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John. 'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra
credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

' What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------
Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous & powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
----------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you did the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
Husband: 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
Wife: 'Honey,' (replying sweetly) 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune."
------------------------------------------------------------
Girl: 'One kiss and I'll be yours forever.'
Guy: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
-------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most about me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'Your sense of humor.'

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing. The doctor was
shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

A teacher in Elmira , New York , who is an Obama supporter, asked her 4th Grade class,"How many of you are Obama fans?" Not really knowing what
an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands, except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different?

Little Johnny said, "Because I'm not an Obama fan."

The teacher asked, "Why aren't you an Obama fan?"

Johnny said, "Because I'm a Republican."

The teacher asked him why he's a Republican. Little Johnny answered, "Well, my Mom's a Republican and my Dad's a Republican, so I'm a Republican."

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

With a big smile, little Johnny replied,
"That would make me an Obama fan."

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try
for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E.....
N....
I.....
S.....
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH...

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups... 'Please don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why doesn't your skin fit your face?' The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face... 'Without you, we are but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions, (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?', 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.' Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The Midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.

The Doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.

The doctor stood him up on to the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the Midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.'Aha!' mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough
again. 'Aha!' said the Doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles s till hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.

The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?

'The doctor replied, 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.

Some South Carolina Highway Department employees stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't get out in that pasture over there.' The Highway Dept. employee flashed out his identification card and said, 'I have the authority of the State of South Carolina to go anywhere I want. See this card? I will go wherever I wish.'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

It wasn't too much later and the farmer heard loud screams and yelling. He looked over and saw several Highway Dept. employees running for their lives and right behind was the farmer's huge prize bull. The bull was madder than a hornet's nest and was gaining on the State employees with every step.

The old farmer yelled out, 'Show him your card!! Show him your card!!

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'

The woman responded 'I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded, 'Pepper'

Live simply, Laugh often, Love deeply