United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
*************************************
On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
*************************************
'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
*************************************
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'
'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
***************************************
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
*******************************************
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
*************************************
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
*************************************
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
***********************************
'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
***********************************
'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses......except for that gentleman over there.'
******************************************
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
****************************************
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
****************************************
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
****************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
****************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!'

(or the uncertainty of the English language)

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values Mike said, 'I didn't
sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you?
'Bill replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?
-------------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.'
--------------------------------------------------
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids'.
--------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you'.
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-------------------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
-------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute..'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
-------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!
What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
--------------------------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.'
--------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'OOPS'
--------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
--------------------------------------------------

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you
approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down. And that's when you remember: "You've been listening to your ipod!"

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
And make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
On your new alligator shoes
And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
And your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less
Pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
Just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action'
Means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
In the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
To use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.. Although his English was far from perfect, and they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: 'Polish Remover'

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts. Dr Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'


She did this faithfully for several months! To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'


A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith?'

'Yes I am! How did you know?'

He, winked and whispered, 'Hickory ****ory dock...'

#6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

#5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

#4-- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

#3-- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2-- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets
out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh'? The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

#1 -- A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The
entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Bonus:
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'
The clerk says, 'What denomination?'
The blonde says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks,
But one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on
.... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy:
''You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend! I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second guy:
''That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool.''

Third guy:
"Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her.''

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy hasn't said a word, they asked him. ''You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?''

Fourth guy smirks and says:
''I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said: Fishing or Sex?"

She said: ''Wear sun-block.''

A strong, young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said.

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.'

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied.
'Let's see you do it.'

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, dumbass, get in.'

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water... Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she ****s on you!'

# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ****, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ****, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

A young Italian girl was going on a date.

Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy. He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat, but don't let him do dat. He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too, but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you, you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure. Doing thata willa disgraza our family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date. The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted:

'And Nonna, I didn't let him disgrace our family as you said. When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over, I got on top of him, and disgraced HIS family!'

Nonna fainted!!

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens
nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW!' the social worker exclaims. 'Are they all yours?''

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy' and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'.'

In disbelief, the case worker. 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... But she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'

Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw
the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would
consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

I have recently been receiving emails at my yahoo account stating that I have "Mutual Matches" or "Friends Requests", yet, when I log on there are none.
Please look into this.

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the
fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
5. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
6. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
7. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
8. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.
9. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
10. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
11. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."
12. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
13. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
14. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
15. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
16. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
17. It is hard to understand how a cemetery can raise its burial costs and blame it on the higher cost of living.
18. Just remember if it wasn't for gravity, we'd all fall off.
19. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
20. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
21. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
22. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.
23. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
24. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
25. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
26. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.
27. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
28. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
29. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
30. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
31. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
32. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak