If Vodka was water
And i was a duck
I would swim to the bottom of the bottle
And never come up.
But water isn't Vodka
And I'm not a duck
So pass the Vodka
And shut the F*** Up!

LOOK UP YOUR BIRTHDAY AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE ... PUT YOUR BIRTHDAY ANIMAL
IN THE SUBJECT LINE AND PASS IT ON. Scroll down for the full meaning!

January 01 - 09 ~ Dog
January 10 - 24 ~ Mouse
January 25 - 31 ~ Lion

February 01 - 05 ~ Cat
February 06 - 14 ~ Dove
February 15 - 21 ~ Turtle
February 22 - 28 ~ Panther

March 01 - 12 ~ Monkey
March 13 - 15 ~ Lion
March 16 - 23 ~ Mouse
March 24 - 31 ~ Cat

April 01 - 03 ~ Dog
April 04 - 14 ~ Panther
April 15 - 26 ~ Mouse
April 27 - 30 ~ Turtle

May 01 - 13 ~ Monkey
May 14 - 21 ~ Dove
May 22 - 31 ~ Lion

June 01 - 03 ~ Mouse
June 04 - 14 ~ Turtle
June 15 - 20 ~ Dog
June 21 - 24 ~ Monkey
June 25 - 30 ~ Cat

July 01 - 09 ~ Mouse
July 10 - 15 ~ Dog
July 16 - 26 ~ Dove
July 27 - 31 ~ Cat

August 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
August 16 - 25 ~ Mouse
August 26 - 31 ~ Turtle

September 01 - 14 ~ Dove
September 15 - 27 ~ Cat
September 28 - 30 ~ Dog

October 01 - 15 ~ Monkey
October 16 - 27 ~ Turtle
October 28 - 31 ~ Panther

November 01 - 16 ~ Lion
November 17 - 30 ~ Cat

December 01 - 16 ~ Dog
December 17 - 25 ~ Monkey
December 26 - 31 ~ Dove




If you are a Dog: A very loyal and sweet person. Your loyalty can never
be
doubted. You are quite honest and sincere when it comes to your attitude
towards working. You are a very simple person, indeed. Absolutely hassle
free, humble and down-to-earth!! That explains the reason why your
friends
cling on to you! You have a good taste for clothes. If your wardrobe is
not
updated with what is trendy, you sure are depressed. Popular and
easy-going.
You have a little group of dignified friends, all of them being
quality-personified.

If you are a Mouse : Always up to some sort of a mischief! The
mischievous
gleam in your eyes is what makes you so cute and attractive to everyone.
You
are an extremely fun-to-be-with kind of person. No wonder people seek
for
your company and look forward to include you for all get-together's.
However, you are sensitive which is a drawback. People need to select
their
words while talking to you. If someone tries to fiddle around and play
with
words while dealing with you, it is enough to invite your wrath. God
bless
the person then!

If you are a Lion: Quite contradictory to your name, you are a peace
loving
person. You best try to avoid a situation wherein you are required to
fight.
An outdoor person, you dislike sitting at one place for a long duration.
You
are a born leader, and have it in you how to tactfully derive work from
people. You love being loved, and when you receive your share of
limelight
from someone, you are all theirs!!!! Well, well... hence some people
could
even take an advantage, flatter you to the maximum and get their work
done.
So be careful.....

If you are a Cat : An extremely lovable, adorable person, sometimes shy,
with a passion for quick wit. At times, you prefer quietness. You love
exploring various things and going into depth of each thing. Under
normal
circumstances you're cool but when given a reason to, you are like a
volcano
waiting to erupt. You're a fashion bird. People look forward to you as
an
icon associated with fashion. Basically, you mingle along freely but
don't
like talking much to strangers. People feel very easy in your company.
You
observe care in choosing your friends.

If you are a Turtle : You are near to perfect and nice at heart. The
examples of your kindness are always circulated in groups of people.
You,
too, love peace. You wouldn't like to retaliate even to a person who is
in
the wrong. You are loved due to this. You do not wish to talk behind
one's
back. People love the way you always treat them. You can give, give and
give
love, and the best part is that you do not expect it back in return. You
are
generous enough. Seeing things in a practical light is what remains the
best
trait of you guys.

If you are a Dove : You symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in
life.
Whatever the surroundings may be, grim or cheerful, you remain
unaffected.
In fact, you spread cheer wherever you go. You are the leader of your
group
of friends and good at consoling people in their times of need. You
dislike
hypocrisy and tend to shirk away from hypocrites. They can never be in
your
good books, no matter what. You are very methodical and organized in
your
work. No amount of mess, hence, can ever encompass you. Beware, it is
easy
for you to fall in love....

If you are a Panther : You are mysterious. You are someone who can
handle
pressure with ease, and can handle any atmosphere without going berserk.
You
can be mean at times, and love to gossip with your selected group. Very
prim
and proper. You like all situations and things to be in the way you
desire,
which, sometimes is not possible. As a result, you may lose out in some
relationships. But otherwise, you love to help people out from difficult
and
tight spots when they really need you.

If you are a Monkey : Very impatient and hyper!!! You want things to be
done
as quick as possible. At heart, you are quite simple and love if you are
the
center of attraction. That way, you people are unique. You would like to
keep yourself safe from all the angles. Shall your name be dragged or
featured in any sort of a controversy, you then go all panicky.
Therefore,
you take your precautions from the very beginning. When you foresee
anything
wrong, your sixth sense is what saves you from falling in traps. Quite a
money minded bunch you people are!!


I am a Monkey...go figure

Two football players were taking an important final exam.

If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to
play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.

The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to
get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the
shoulder.

"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed
then he turned to Bubba.

"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."

He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the
blank.

He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny,
how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were
they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ..so
we're just waiting.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably; Innovative; Preliminary; Proliferation; Cinnamon


Specificity; British Constitution; Passive-aggressive disorder;
Loquacious; Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.

Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in
your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late
and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s
you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters
the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet
water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now ..

thats great thanks & Droxfo adding to it was f**king great ...lmao

#12 got me ...lmao

1) This is a picture of an octopus.
It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an
Island. If you don't have sea all round
you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big
teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's
not my
friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breaths through an asshole on
the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots,
and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the
trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes,
when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother
said they would have been better off
eating
beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I
like their shiny tails. And how on earth do
mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby
brother is always screaming and being sick,
my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think
what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some
fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting.
Electric eels can give you a shock. They have
to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very
cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under
the water. Two divers can't go down
alone,
so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She
fell off when she was going very fast. She
says she won't do it again because water
fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

Blue Eyes-
People with blue eyes last the longest in
relationships.
They are pretty or handsome & very good kissers.
They always fall in love with their closest friends
and
never understand why. They are very funny and
outgoing
and don't care what people think or say.
They are very satisfying and love to please.
They will always exceed your pleasure standards.


Green Eyes-
Sex Addicts!!! People with green eyes have the most

passion put into relationships, people with green
eyes are very cute and love to cuddle. They have long
lasting
relationships. People with green eyes are also the
horniest.
They long for the touch of another. People with
green eyes
are very very sexy and very attractive towards the
opposite sex.

Hazel eyes-
People with hazel eyes are gorgeous and go all out
all the time.
They have the most unusual relationships. Theyre
awsome at
diversity and trying new things and very rarely will
say no to any
challenge. they are also the best in bed and love to
play games.
they are very outgoing and they are sexy as hell and
they are
NOT NICE when they are mad.

Brown Eyes-
Sexy as hell, people with brown eyes are very
attractive, adorable,
love to make new friends. Will do anything for that
special person.
Kind and polite Can make anyone laugh or cheer them up.
Loves to please the one they care or love for,very
good kissers.



Im are Hazel

yes Cat we can see that from your great pic.

LMAO

WHAT DOES A KISS TASTE LIKE?

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a
little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey's
kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't,"
said the little boy.
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your
Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out!
It's a piece of ass!"

2ND. pick is BUTTERFINGER , But i can chew gum and walk at the same
time ..

affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into
keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the
following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the
point of Cybersex. Then again, maybe he does....

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels.
I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are
36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner. It's
smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you! Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night
table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way
down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides
off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hands suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft
breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the
clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly...I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling
your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my
blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down
and rubbing you hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take of my panties!

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in
and out nibbling on you... ummm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking!

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit! I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm
putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom.
Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so
badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately our naked bodies
pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the
glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover!

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm
waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...
you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my a** back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it
another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on
my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a
sad look on my face, my wiener is all floppy. I'm going to get my
glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.
I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture
frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it,
a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to he**! I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooooo!

Sweetheart: Bye!!!

for me its Snickers ..



Pick your chocolate, then, look to see the answer below. No cheating!
Take this chocolate personality test,

If you were buying candy and you had your choice of the following, which
would you choose?

BABY RUTH
3 MUSKETEERS
BUTTERFINGER
SNICKERS
HERSHEY'S
ALMOND JOY
CLARK BAR
REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
ENERGY BAR
CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS
OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about
YOU!


STOP - - NO .... you can't change your mind once you scroll down! So
think carefully what your choice will be!!!




BABY RUTH . Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm fuzzy items. A
little nutty. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the
day.


3 MUSKETEERS .. You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of
underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out
your saber.


BUTTERFINGER ... Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an
excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk
and chew gum at the same time.


SNICKERS .. Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Everyone enjoys being around
you, but you are a practical joker, however, you are a friend for life.


HERSHEY'S .. Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people and can
be counted on in a pinch. You tend to melt.


ALMOND JOY . Sexy, always ready to give and receive, very energetic, and
really likes to get into life. The opposite sex is always attracted to
you.


CLARK BAR ... You like sports, whether baseball, football, basketball,
or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate, but enjoy
watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control.


REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS You are a very fun loving person, who likes to
laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You
are a very warm hearted person.


ENERGY BAR .. Life is passing you by. Get a life! Go eat a plum.


CHOCOLATE COATED RAISINS .. You go to the bathroom often.

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?



HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!

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YOU WOULD BE IN THE WRONG FRIGGIN HOUSE!!!

Handed my keys over to Pastor John to help unload tables....this is what
it says....

The 6 most important Men in a woman's life:

The Doctor...because he says "Take your clothes off"

The Dentist...because he says "Open Wide"

The Milkman...because he says "Do you want it in the front or back"

The Hairdresser..because he says "Do you want it teased or blown"

The Interior Decorator..because he says.."Once its in, you'll love it"

The Banker..because he says "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose
interest".

Pastor John handed me my keys back, and said....."nice keyring"...thats
embarassing.

lmao great, thanks

The Romantic Husband

Husband and wife in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.
She: "Oh, that feels good."
His hand moves to her breast.
She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."
His hand moves to her leg.
She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."
But he stops.
She: "Why did you stop?"
He: "I found the remote."