Wonderful !!!

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Pittsburgh Steelers season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold..'

LOVE IT!! .. 10 out of 10 ... five stars... excellent!

Yes, I get this....Why do you think I call it a dirty word!? It is a word that seems like it means
way too much. So much it is bigger than me. Of course the synical part of me laughs at me "You fool, you fool!" is all it has to say because I can read between the lines and I know what it really means. I'm going to say it and he's going to think- "you stupid little girl", while he rolls his eye's, clears his throat and I try to recover gracefully. Of course no matter how much we try to pretend these words didn't happen they will always hang there, in between us, I know I said them and your ears know you heard them. Just like New York knows it heard the jets coming before they hit the World Trade Center. They aren't going to go away and I can put another stick pin in my here's where I was a dumbass cork board. You know those ugly ones they have absolutely everywhere to anounce all of the sh*t no one really want to know?! Of course the "little girl" that used to believe in Cinderella wants to say "Well yeah, but..." However The B*tch ( the voice in my head) never gives her much room to speak. She's seen too much of the world and she knows that Cinderella was made up and so were the rest. The B*tch has so much power that she doesn't even need to use her words, just her eyes; one look and the "little girl" shuts up and goes to sit in the corner. Not even willing to say she might have been hurt, "What the hell is the use?" She's been here too after all.

For a min. I thought I was reading a love note from the ex.

Thank you for sharing..

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks did hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with phone number for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.


One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM.
Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well…"

DJ: "Question 2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question.
Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock
this morning?

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well…"

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian.
Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks…"

DJ: "Uh huh…"

Brian: "…and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

[3 minutes of commercials follow.]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones…..ringing….)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is her."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo… do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."
DJ: "Good!"
Brian: (laughing)..
Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us."

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Alright.
When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Oh God, Brian….uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question.
How long did it last?"
Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast.
Are you ready?"
Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
Sarah: "Well…"
DJ: Come on Sarah…..where did you have it?
Sarah: "Ummm...................Up the a$$…"


After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

If these are true, they are a bit sad and scary. True or not, they are very funny.
A Washington, DC, Airport Ticket Agent offers some examples of why the US is in trouble!


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make HER look stupid, I calmly explained, 'Cape COD is in Massachusetts. Cape TOWN is in Africa ...' Her response . . . click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, 'Is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'But they look so close on the map.' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 am and got to Chicago at 8:33 am. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!' After putting her on hold for a minute while I looked into it (I was laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is FAT (Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii?'

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who was calling from the airport and asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'

10. A lady Senator called and said, 'I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, Fl. on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yeah, whatever, smarty!'

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'

12. A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes. What flights do you have?' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' The lady retorted, 'Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' So I scoured a map of the st ate of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' The reply? 'Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.'


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!

Here is an interesting approach that was on our bulletin board:

I’m against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG. Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in a 'We Deserve It Dividend'.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+. Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.. So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals $425,000.00.

My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a 'We Deserve It Dividend'. Of course, it would NOT be tax free. So let’s assume a tax rate of 30%. Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes. That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.

But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket. A husband and wife has $595,000.00.

What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
• Pay off your mortgage – housing crisis solved.
• Repay college loans – what a great boost to new grads
• Put away money for college – it’ll be there
• Save in a bank – create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
• Buy a new car – create jobs
• Invest in the market – capital drives growth
• Pay for your parent’s medical insurance – health care improves
• Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean – or else

Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed Forces!

If we’re going to re-distribute wealth let’s really do it...instead of trickling out a puny $1000.00 ( “vote buy” ) economic incentive that is being proposed by one of our candidates for President.

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult U S Citizen 18+!

As for AIG –
• liquidate it.
• Sell off its parts.
• Let American General go back to being American General.
• Sell off the real estate..
• Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.

Here’s my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn’t.

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.” But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party! How do you spell Economic Boom?

I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 billion we deserve the 'We Deserve It Dividend' more than the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC .

And remember, The Family plan only really costs $59.5 billion because $25.5 billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Your welcome... didn't think I seen this one here for be.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where are you Cathy.'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated our marriage?
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_________________________________________________________

And the best for last:




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you stepped in to performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began your autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

MizWizard is so right, you don't have to explain yourself to anybody but you don't have to hide from anybody either. Sometimes our fear can keep us trapped in a cage with invisible bars and we are the only ones with the keys. Those keys are hard to use but when we do you'll find out the bars were never really there. I just put mine there because it seemed like they kept me safe but what they kept me is prisinor. Don't forget that you have an angels heart too!! I've seen it in your writing.

I was feeling down until someone sent this to me & I haven't stopped laughing yet! fantastic,hysterical!


http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2007/ellen-gladys-hardy-p1.php?emf

Interesting Human Body Facts.



The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.


A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.


It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.


One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).


Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.


The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.


The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.


A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.


If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.


Men with hairless chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.


There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could cover about one square inch.

Women blink twice as often as men.


The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.


When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate. .. .
they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate!


Your ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


The average woman is five inches shorter than the average man.


You guys are still looking at your thumb, aren't you?

Ty all ...

deluxe... nope, not off the top of my head I don't ..would have to
call my dad to get that info ...lol
and as for the typos ... just have to get use to them..Having dyslexia I don't alway catch them..

Think I'm ready ..........

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew
it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F*ck," the rottweiler
ate him!"

Important!!! - 'DUSTING'
>
> Passing this on, even if you don't have kids or grandkids, this may give
> info to send to someone you know who does and prevent a tragedy. PS
>
> Latest Drug in Middle School - Dusting
>
> 'Dusting' First, I'm going to tell you a little about me and my family. My
> name is Jeff. I am a Police Officer for a city which is known nationwide
> for it's crime rate. We have a lot of gangs and drugs. At one point we
> were # 2 in the nation in homicides per capita. I also have a police K-9
> named Thor. He was certified in drugs and general duty. He retired at 3
> years old because he was shot in the line of duty. He lives with us now
> and I still train with him because he likes it. I always liked the fact
> that there was no way to bring drugs into my house. Thor wouldn't allow
> it. He would tell on you. The reason I say this is so you understand that
> I know about drugs.I have taught in schools about drugs. My wife asks all
> our kids at least once a week if they used any drugs. Makes them promise
> they won't. I like building computers occasionally and started building a
> new one in February 2005. I also was working on some of my older
> computers.They were full of dust so on one of my trips to the computer
> store I bought a 3 pack of DUST OFF.
>
> Dust Off is a can of compressed air to blow dust off a computer. A few
> weeks later when I went to use one of them they were all used. I talked
> to my kids and my two sons both said they had used them on their computer
> and messing around with them. I yelled at them for wasting the 10 dollars
> I paid for them. On February 28 I went back to the computer store. They
> didn't have the 3 pack which I had bought, on sale so I bought a single
> jumbo can of Dust Off. I went home and set it down beside my computer. On
> March 1st, I left for work at 10 PM. Just before midnight my wife went
> down and kissed Kyle goodnight. At 5:30 am the next morning Kathy went
> downstairs to wake Kyle up for school, before she left for work. He was
> propped up in bed with his legs crossed and his head leaning over. She
> called to him a few times to get up. He didn't move. He would sometimes
> tease her like this and pretend he fell back asleep. He was never easy to
> get up. She went in and shook his arm. He fell over. He was pale white and
> had the straw from the Dust Off can coming out of his mouth. He had the
> new can of Dust Off in his hands. Kyle was dead. I am a police officer and
> I had never heard of this. My wife is a nurse and she had never heard of
> this. We later found out from the coroner,after the autopsy, that only
> the propellant from the can of Dust off was in his system. No other drugs.
> Kyle had died between midnight and 1 AM. I found out that using Dust Off
> is being done mostly by kids ages 9 through 15. They even have a name for
> it. It's called dusting. A take off from the Dust Off name. It gives them
> a slight high for about 10seconds. It makes them dizzy. A boy who lives
> down the street from us showed Kyle how to do this about a month before.
> Kyle showed his best friend. Told him it was cool and it couldn't hurt
> you. It's just compressed air. It can't hurt you. His best friend said so.
> Kyle was wrong. It's not just compressed air .. It also contains a
> propellant called R2. It's a refrigerant like what is used in your
> refrigerator. It is a heavy gas. Heavier than air. When you inhale it, it
> fills your lungs and keeps the good air, with oxygen, out . That's why
> you feel dizzy, buzzed. It decreases the oxygen to your brain, to your
> heart. Kyle was right. It can't hurt you. IT KILLS YOU. The horrible part
> about this is there is no warning. There is no level that kills you. It's
> not cumulative or anoverdose; it can just go randomly, terribly wrong.
> Roll the dice and if your number comes up you die. IT'S NOT AN OVERDOSE.
> It's Russian Roulette. You don't die later. Or not feel good and say
> I've had too much. You usually die as you're breathing it in. If not you
> die within 2 seconds of finishing 'the hit.'That's why the straw was still
> in Kyle's mouth when he died. Why his eyes were still open. The experts
> want to call this huffing. The kid s don't believe its huffing. As adults
> we tend to lump many things! together But it doesn't fit here. And
> that's why its more accepted. There is no chemical reaction, no strong
> odor. It doesn't follow the huffing signals. Kyle complained a few days
> before he died of his tongue hurting. It probablydid. The propellant
> causes frostbite. If I had only known. It's easy to say hey, it's my life
> and I'll do what I want . But it isn't. Others are always affected. This
> has forever changed our family's life. I have a hole in my heart and soul
> that can never be fixed. The pain is so immense I can't describe it.
> There's nowhere to run from it. I cry all the time and I don't ever cry.
> I do what I'm supposed to do but I don't really care. My kids are messed
> up.One won't talk about it. The other will only sleep in our room at
> night. And my wife, I can' t even describe how bad she is taking! this. I
> thought we were safe because of Thor. I thought we were safe because we
> knewabout drugs and talked to our kids about them. After Kyle died another
> story came out. A probation Officer went to the school system next to ours
> to speak with a student. While there he found a student using Dust Off in
> the bathroom. This student told him about another student who also had
> some in his locker. This is a rather affluent school system. They will
> tell you they don't have a drug problem there. They don't even have a dare
> or plus program there.So rather than tell everyone about this 'new' way of
> getting high they found, the school hid it. The probation officer told the
> media after Kyle's death and they, the school, then admitted to it . I
> know that if they wouldhave told the media and I had heard, it wouldn't
> have been in my house. We need to get this out of our homes and school
> computer labs. Using Dust Off isn't new and some 'professionals' do know
> about. It just isn't talked about much, except by the kids. They all seem
> toknow about it. April 2nd was 1 month since Kyle died. April 5th would
> have been his 15th birthday. And every weekday I catch myself sitting on
> the living room couch at 2:30 in the afternoon and waiting to see him get
> off the bus. I know Kyle is in heaven but I can ' t help but I wonder If I
> died and went to Hell.
>
> This Officer is asking for everyone who receives this email to forward it
> to everyone in their address book, even Law Enforcement Officers.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com!
There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25
years. Because you don't particularly like them!
Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out
a window
unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked
that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's
chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you
expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex
with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect
baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the
cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown
man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two
of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket,
water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but
flavored water is called a soft drink. You want
flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it
melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
Target, you Just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the *******. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced
vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra
dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge *******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up
from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing
"Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't
want cash back, and pressing "Enter"again, the kid who
is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there
eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule : Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one
of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait!
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies
based on crappy, old television shows, then you have
to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can
see what's playing on the other screens. Let's
remember the reason something was a television show in
the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to
be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of
looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more
bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't
need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will
do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and
want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then
for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available
piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around
saying "Do you want fries with that?"

This message sent with tongue firmly in cheek!


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong
life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and
that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything
wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not
make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want
to live longer? Take a nap.




Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is
distilled wine, that means they take the water out of
the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness
that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!




Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your
ratio is two to one, etc.




Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy
is: No Pain...Good!




Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these
days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in
it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?




Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.




Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another
vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!




Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.





Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!




Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well
preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming

"WOW, What a Ride"



AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the
final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to
know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional
studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.





P. S. Unfortunately, my Doctor does not agree with
this.

MY NEXT LIFE

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your
first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid,
you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then .....

..... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully
in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating,
room service on tap, and then ......

....... You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case!