Five Levels of Hangovers

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function
relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5
cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a
steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you
have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is
only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still
tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House
excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your
bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not
productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume
reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends
dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in
your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of
water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or
else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late
and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.
For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the
bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair
hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five ****s
you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters
the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the
employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every
pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the
corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the
remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to
generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the
foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this
morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like
discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in.
The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet
water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now ..