IF ( I could save time in a bottle)
Cherish
only you
Rose

hi all thanks, some days are harder than others, and I believe that things will get better. nice to have a group that understands what we feel that is so helpful to me. rose

HI all,
to the newbiee sorry you lost some one so dear to you. Stay with our group.
as you all know randy passed just 10 months,19 days,4 hours and 3 minutes ago.
sent alot of time this month thnging of the end for me how to do it, as I released my deaperation i went to a physligest and spent 4 hours...
it did help he told me I was looking for the lost 36 minutes of randy trying to be brought back before they got him to the hospital... he droped at 6.09 am dead... he arrived at the hospital at 6.45.. code called finished dead at 6:59... have been told at AED failed to shock him at the plant. the what happened was driving me nuts....finding answers that never came. he asked how I got there I toldhim I drove he told me to think about driving home backwards could I do it, I replied no.. he said that was how I was living... driving backwards... and that waith cancer i spent the past 7 years + in a war zone closing off feeling just to survive the war and i had to reconnect with what hurts and pains to go on... has been hard to do this the reliving the surgerys( I was in OR for all of them) and all the procudures that he had was present for them also... the only event i missed was his death.
I have spent the past week thinking about this and doing loads of crying, today they called and was digging the footer for his gravemarker at my request I was to be there to watch over the dig and the pour of the concrete. was had but part of finishing promises made to Randy to be there thur it all. the day they set the marker I will be there also.
I found a book we don't die that i have been reading, has helped me..maybe i am working my way to the exceptance that he will be with me always in spirit. the work is hard but i am finding peace as i read this book. It may not help any of you but for me I now have a begining.
they also found squamas cell skin cancer yesterday and will be doing some home chemo for it this month.
hugs to all,
rose

hi all
been a while since i've been on, running a low grade fever the past few days so sleeping alot, gotta say this surgery has not been a walk in the park, and darn't it i have been so good this time( maybe that's the reason).
Some how my girl friend expects me to come up with a date and drive to erie pa for her wedding, she lost her husband to messithilioma(sp) 4 years ago, any one have any ideas? Thank God she's not getting married in alaska where she lives half the time.
there seems to be a black cloud over this house depression has knocked me to my knees again, just had a birthday, so many things going on here and i am beat . Doctor did raise my anti depressants to see if that helps.
one more week and i hope i can move the firewood 4 more cords.that puts me out 3 weeks from surgery#2 and 6 weeks from surgery #1... If I have to do number 3 does that mean three strikes and your out?lol
any way not meeting really anyone close to me on here must be my profile.... your all have a good night
rose

HI all,
been a while since I posted, had a few bumps in the road as they say, had the 4 disks fused in my neck about 5 weeks ago and while living life as in moving 4 cords of wood cleaning gutters ecct, must have chalagened a few other as the day after my birthday 57 years here now... i has 4 more grafted, would love to say these where as easy but that would be a lie. valuim and darvocet are my new best friends, i had to turn down a load of wood today but did set one up for monday, maybe by them i 'll be more able to move, they go thru the frount to do the ceverial disks and i have emence swelling this time,
I came home the same day no over nighters for me, but he week before had visits from people who had gone before kinda scary yet not. after in the fog i saw them all around my bed but not one of them would take me with them. this has been a strange experence,all around. but I wanted you all to know i am still here, in body. I am putting thing to rights now that i should have done before but one person who pass on has me giving something i held on to for 35+years back to where ut belong she said i know when it right.
a part of me fells like i am drifting in the land between the 2 worlds, not really conected to eather one right now, could be the good drugs for pain also. will write more late but thanks for the prayers,rose

Well I did rest today i rested between the laundry, the mowing and weeding eating, the throwing the grdaughter out of my house with her kids,as she whinned to her mother i reminded her mom the ony reason i had she was she wanted rid of her herself.... so I pissed her off too...the truth hurts and i have had it up to my ears with me doing and doing and keeping slackers in my home... cooled off after yard work then I drove my self off to dinner. Not sure I going to let her come back, am at the end of my rope i have tied a knot an hanging my a thread. took down the pool she put up and let become a breading groung for mosquitoes, not to mention the ruined grass, have packed some of the stuff she did not take, cleaned the living room. have decieded I am up for adoption, am good worker.
really I am ready to climb in the jeep and just drive till the money runs out. my mind and body is beat, night is early just may do that yet. going in to read a book take my pain pills and cool off. took phone off the hook, locked and changed the locks on the doors... am really really mad....

oh MY THR WHAT IF'S, WHAT IF THAT NIGHT OR THE DAY BEFORE I WOULD HAVE HAD A FIT AND FORCED HIM TO THE HOSPITAL ( SORRY FOR THE CAP BUT I CAN SEE THE DAMN WORDS WITH OUT BENDING THE NECK TO FAR) WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF AND I THINK IT WAS BOT SURE WHERE THE CANCER BACK , HOSPICE? WHAT IF HE WOULD HAVE DIED HERE WHERE TE KIDS HAD TO SEE THEM WORKONG ON HIM, i BELIEVE THAT THEY WATCH US FROM A FAR, AND GENTLY LEAD US BUT I WOULD SELL MY SOUL FORO NE MORE FALL TO WATCH THE LEAVES FALL, THE CCAMP FIRES. HIND SIGHT IS 20/20. HE BETTER OFF THERE THAN HERE WITHT HE WAY THING ARE. AS FOR ME, THE ARM IS BACK TO SPASMS HAD A 50 ANNIVARSARY TO GO TO, LONED OUT ONE OF MY JEEPS AND NOTHING BUT GRIEF ABOUT THAT FROM THE ONE THAT BORROWED IT, IT SAT 9 MONTHS NOW SINCE HE PASSED AND HAD THE SMELL OF THE STEEL PLANT, THEY HAD FITS, THEN IT NEEDED AND OIL CHANGE AND A TRANY FLUSH AND FILTER, HATE TO SEE THAT THE WHINE WILL BE ABOUT TODAY.. TO I DROVE OVER ( NOT SUPPOSED TO DRIVE FOR 3 WEEKS YET) GOT THE DAMN THING TOOK IT TO MY MECHANIC HAD HIM DO THE WORK DROVE IT BACK IN THE MEAN TIME VENT OUT MY ANGER WITH WEEDS IN THE YARD.. SHOULD HAVE SAID LOOK JUST BRING THE DAMN THING HOME. WORKED AND CRIED CLEANED OUT THE NEW JEEP OOK VALLUM AND WENT TO SLEEP. AM PAYING FOR IT THINK THE GRAFTS MOVED IN OUT PLACE. THE HEAD ACHE IS ALMOST UN BEARABLE... i PRAY IT RAIN TODAY REALLY FOR THE NEXT WEEK WILL KEEP ME INSIDE. TRIED A DATE... BEFORE SURGERY, TO KEEP MY MIND BUSY... THE 2 DRINK AFTER I PICKED HIM UP AND WE GOT THE THE RESTARANT, HE WAS DONE. THEN THE TRY AND KISS WHAT IS WITH THESE GUYS? HA ABOUT HIT THE FLOOR OVER THAT ONE, PAID MY HALF OF THE BILL AND THE GIRLS AND OWER THERE KNOW ME AND RANDY SO THE FOLLEWED ME TO MAKE SURE I DUMPED HIM OUT AN GOT HOME OK. I AM BEGINNING TO TINK I AM A PRUDE.. WHAT EVER HAPPPEN TO FRIEND SHIP? HOLDING HANDS?? ANY WAY... THEY RATED HIM AND CALL ME HE WAS -10.. I KNEW THAT. AM GOING TO CRASH ON THE SOFA, AND WATCH COOL RUNNING THAT MY COMFORT MOVIE OVER COMING ADVERSITY. NO ONE MOVES IN THIS HOUSE BUT ME TILL THE DAY IS HALF OVER. ABOUT 2 PM
IF RANDY WHERE HERE HE WOULD HAVE WENT GOT HE JEEP BEEN RUDE AND NASTY, HE HAD A TEMPER TO BEAT ALL,SWORE IN 3 LAUNGUGES THREW THINGS , THEN CALM DOWN, GLAD HE MISSED THIS WHAT IF

Goodevening all
had the surgery yesterday at 6:45 was the first case because of my latex allergy, they replace 4 disks with bone grafts cleaned up one heel of a debris mess aroung all of them, he sid it looked like a scatter bomb went off in there, I had load of anit botic run and was home last night by 9 pm, the doctor was concerned about a hemetoma devoloping at the insicion site told him jenny would watch me all night and he said fine, forgot to tell him janny is my little yorkie.lol
today have had a few pains come and go but over all doing great, swollowing is very hard, my daughter brought me home and left as soon as she got me my pain pills she was to tired to stay with me she has a hard jop and works midnights so i understand. having some trouble keeping my sugar reading down, so my have to go in and see , but it could be all the dextros they ran yestaeday leaving my system.
I want to thenk all of you for your prayers, they got me thru a hard time and in the next weeks as i recover i may need more the firewood is due in any time and i am worried i may not be aboe to get it in the shed and kept dry but one day at a time, am fighting a horrable head ache right now so will close... thank you all so much1 love to all rose

HI all,
saw the doctor, updated the will, the dnr, all the crap that comes with major surgery, will lose 3 disks in the neck. should say have lost them lol/
the sugery will take about 2.5 hours on thursday at 7:30 am, it starts and God willing... will be home that night as I hate hospitals... as long as I have a caretaker to watch for blood clots that can form at the incision site ..sounds like he will cut from the claviacal to the chin, hope he has done needle point think i am becoming vain..
any way he 's a reallly young guy.. have shoes older than him. we discused the oppps... and agreeed that in the case of a major one, he calls the pallative team in and they take over with the dnr. my guts say I be fine. so now i off to bed am doing the last of the cleaning before the operation and have to put the sides on my carport, yet... and move one garden gate.. oh and new wall paper for my room one wall... glad he is doing it this week or i be dead form the work i have planed... it funny to day i could smell randy right by me as i built the great grandkids bunkbeds to fit the baby mattersses.. what a comfort that was. that closeness.. thanks for the poems all of you i sat here and thought of our best days... and smiled..
sleep well all.

HI all, made it thru randy birthday yesterday, went to the grave and planted flowers, asked the kids to come and help till the soil, not one of them would come with me, with the arm control coming and going it took about 3 hours, but we had a good visit, I took a break about half way thru and went to mck d for tea, had to laugh i ordered chicken slect, what i got was cheeze burgers and fries just what he always ordered. so i ate the fry and took him the burgers, i figure it was his way to say he was with me. today I am taking his parents out there, he is only about 2 miles from home but dad and mom no longer feel safe drivng. went ahead and did my side of the grave this time. I saw the dr and after the mri on wensday he wants to see where the nerves are at and how compressed they are off, we set up the date for surg. somehow I have flated and the nerve root are exposed on C 2,3,4,5,6,7, in the neck, the ct showed then with no space between no curve and mush on the inside of the neck.i think the furnace blower got me i did rest it on my head along time when i was up in the air 10' putting it back in place was a 2 person job but there is one one now so i did it. and plan to do it next year.
Dan... a month after i lost randy they thought i would comit sucide, it's been 6 months now, the overwhelming pain, eases, i wanted 5 minuted more, but God in his wisdom knew that would not be enought I would have went into battle mode and fought for more, as i drove to the hospital that day i was planing on who i would call in to save him depending on what was wrong. they worked on him 45 minutes from the time he droped at work and man down was called, they got him back 5 times and there was to much damage , God thank god he went home fracture skull broken back , crushed ribcage, your still in the shock and coming out of the numbness now, I never want to live that again, go and see a doctor depression pills help me alot, talk to us on here some how we all made it you will to, this is the hardest time you may ever do but your not alone.

HI all.
Monday is his birthday he would have been 52 his doctor and i are going to lunch she just loved him, and tomorrow I see a neuro surg. Cat scan found some problems. life can suck some times, I think they will schedual surgery asap so sometime next week or very soon after is what I am planing. I have this long list of have to do before like plant flowers at his grave but the heat and lost of movement of my right arm that comes and goes slows me down some.
I did get the car port almost done have the side to put on then tada done.. i have entered a gray zone.. i was supposed to say some words at my uncles funeral saterday and found out I was to do the whole thing, so I did.. people kept comeing up and saying how did you do it, and will you do mine, did not have the heart to tell them that I may have gotten my ticket out of here. no one know but you all here. Nor will i tell them when i go in, if they have no time now not sure i want hem to come then. I am kinda numb, just empty inside, funny how life works out, the caregiver has no one that cares. oh well enought morbid thoughts am going to a cat fish tourney tomorrow night and teaching my great grandson who 4 how it done, we fish we eat and sleep.. geeet up in time to go see the biggest fish. say a prayer for me tomorrow as i see the dr.

a lot of us on here we shuld think of a breakfast or dinner some where

well we startedd out his month with a bang my uncle passed away on the 4 froma ALS, and lymphoma, they are bringing him home on the 10 for the funeral, that was the 6 months anniveray of randy passing and the44 anniveary of my grandmother that raised me passing she died in my arms at age 12... been a hard weekend, I am writing the the talk i have been asked to do for uncle joe.... one of this favorite saying was...I don't wanta start any trouble but..... and off he went all in fun. so many memories... went fishing last night, and set and veged..

well we are heading into July.... to many dates that mattered this nest month his bd, anniversary stemm cell transplant he would have 5 years nold by transplant date.. gma bd. can I slip July and move to augest.. have to find a job... to much to do here.. just overwhelmed today sorry

oh God the death rattle.... randy had it for days before i did not know what it was, after he passed i mentioned this to the doctor as she and I stood at the casket.. and she told me.. but that sound will never leave my mind, i watched a man who at the onset was 46 inch waist go to a 34.. tumor burden, then the loss of feeling in his hand and feet, the loss of sight, the constant iv and pick line and hickmans I can do one in my sleep, the test I help hold him down for, because of a promise to be with him in every test and surgery.. the hoops i had to jump to get to do this... the slow loss of his love.. i think toward the end he may have hated me as it was for me he fought to stay here.YOu could see it in his eyes... he hated to see me work all the time knowing he could not help. yet he went back to work at the steel mill.... slept almost all day to work 8 hours. you know I hunger... for that touch smile, love ya babe, that something that gone for ever. for me it was the worst of time and the best of times all we had was each other.

I think that's why there is somay bic marrages... use it up and throw away... they have nothing to build on. or hang on to when times are tough.
i not in a hurry to remarry if ever. not sure i could live thru that kind of pain again if something happened.

some of the same here, also married at 15.5 was not expecting just escaping home. the fisrt on lasted almost 6 years and 3 children, buried one. the second 32. I really understand that belonging feeling.... went out last night to see someone the first time. they alwas try and kiss you to me that like meeting a new person at wall mart and kissing them, felt strange. maybe it's me.

sorry to hear that greer..... try and rest.. i know that's hard but do it.

My thought and mantra has been just for today i can do what I could not possibley think of doing for a life time but i Can do it just today..
rest time for me..my kids have filed complantsto me about the gtave site... they think it looks bad going out to see it and do what needs done. you know they could have fixed what need done there.. will sell them cheap.. are 36 and 38 oh.... yea you get thier kids as well.... all 7 of them.. any takers? will keep the great grand kids...

hi all, good morning.
today I rest brother went home.. yea!!! trying to start a cold. darn weather changed again!. have a good day all.