Hi Ron,
Oh, I am so sorry,You have my heartfelt condolences on you loss, and my prayers. A sudden death is hard and for you hard still to be so far away when it happened. harder still to come home and have questions, try and find some kind of peace with it and then go back to a war zone, with no time to heal the wounds you suffered in you heart.You had a load of feeling and grief to have to bury deep to go and fight if they surfaced you could get killed or a friend, maybe here you can release these feeling.
Was alot for a young man to have to do.
as for the dreams, I believe ( some someone told me this believe it in not in san Juan) that my husband and friends.. are like the stars... you can't always see them but they're always there ... I find some comfort in that. we all have our stories to tell, hope this group helps, welcome.
Rose

by the way when yourun in to a pick polyester pant suit it's well past it time.... aaaaaaa to be honest... a... have 2 and half closet with 2 bars about 15 feet long... """me clothes colector...'''
can take you from a 12 to 22 in no time at all...

geez if we all mail her 20 lbs i look great and you all will look great... keck lets do it.... we can have you up to about 140 in no time

I am here if that counts
rose

tell us how to do it..... have a few that just screams eject me.....

no most are stlyish, just in the years of cancer treatment randy went thru, I just grew larger and larger to much hospital food fast food.eating because of stress... you name it. have to do this in bursts tho.... some are hard to part with..

thanks... went from a size 18 -20 to a 12-14-16 depending on the maker.... now with some I look like a bag lady.... the darnest thing is i really like some of those clothes....like parting with old worn slippers... oh well enough whinning.. back to the i hate topart with and the waht if i gain it back talks to myself...

any one want to come over and tell me what clothes to throw away.... would ask the kids but the common saying is it alright... yuck.. trying to down size my closets .. and lost a lot of weight.. guess you know thier to big when they fall off you backside... to bad we can post tons of pic and you allsay yes or no...lol that todays job.... been putting that off.
any way you all havea good one will check back on my breaks from the gong show of clothes..

well to make you laugh i hope is... my sister told me that looking to date again is like trying to finding a good parking place at wallmart.... the good ones are taken and the rest are handcapped.... she is one sick puupy...just shook my head at her. but did take her and the great grand kids fishing last night, was a nice cool evening wonderfull breeze... and as the moon can out our little one angel she 2 and 1/2 looked up and said hi god and papa.. and chattered away.. then said ok and went off to play on the dock... to day I help set up my daughter pool, came home had a nice hot soak in tub and crashed for about 6 hours straigh sleep. going back to bed soon... for those who are hurting right now, remember you can always see the stars but there still there...
rose

or maybe Noah... ever wonder how in the world he picked a pair of each animal.... wonder what happened if they did not get along???

while i was setting here thinking of who I wanted ...I turned and asked my grandkids, they said thier papa, and grand papa both have passed away.... they would spend together fishing in florida of the coast of miami. as for me i guess the same to and might as well go fishing for 4 hours. probly have to cut bait again.... then I think God, for a face to face for 2 hours, a question and answer time.. If it not good for us to be alone why are so many of us on here,

guess i just talk to him out loud, he answers in his own way and the great gand kids who are 2 and 3 always see him, and talk to him like he's setting in his chair.. i thought this was normal.... oh my God it not ??????? lol

Hi Betty
oh yea.... i have lost froma size20 to a 14 soooo i went to good will and bought clothes as the weight fell off... the had a cow.. was dressing to young ect.... then To ''''help me the gave away trailers his clothes and shoes while i was in hospital... and all kind of stuff till i got enough guts to say back off.... now they comment now and then but leave me alone....

hey if we all come out where are we sleeping? can we bring tents?
I'm in ohio and have a jeep.. room for more if we can carpool..

as for the grief part our youngest and her father had not spoke in months before he passed( she is bipolor) nor did she allow the kids to speak to us. her one son 16 years old trid to hand himself because of quilt... randy's passing was so unexpected.. and the week after he passed I had major surgery to remove masses that had mestatized from the overies and wraped the colon in a mass the size of a basket ball... was cancer free thank God but had to heal from both...
I will say as I collected all the information from the hospital, security at the plant, the ambulance company... am sister asked what is it going to take for you to get over this?
told hell you never get over this... some days i wonder if i'd live thru it..
as for dating I am ready to start over, but age takes it tole and I look every one of my years.... was on one site and got emails saying because im a widow i must be had up for sex... on that site there is now a warning, right off, nedless to say no one emailed me sense...lol i could be billy graham's bible thumping sister I guesss haahahahha

when in doubt go to ER.. they do a scan -* if you have a blood clot, more form after the one that's there downward untill they block the vein, or worst case break free and travel your heart or lung causeing death or worse..once the flapper valves in the vein are gone (compressed) they never are the same causing swelling of the leg forever
rose

hi cathyy, nice to meet you... yes there was pain, the hardest thing was learning to fight the doctors and going with my guts, srink said i had an uncanny blink thing with randy... guess i did...
we both fought a good fight i did as i promised walked each step to the end with him... including being the one to cover him give him his cig and close the lid, them push him out the the children and grand children.. nothing to regret..
from reading some of the posts on here i was the luckly one...
had a good enought marrage to maybe try it again..
any way welcome....
rose

HI
I just joined this site yesterday,
I am a widow, how long really don't matter i guess somedays seems like yesterday others a life time ago.was married 32 years
Randy was dx in 2000 with mantle cell lymphoma, stage 4b spleen 28 cm. every lymphnode involved. given 5 weeks to live.. the goverment recuited us as lab rats in a phase one clinial trial, these has the most risk as nothing has been tried. we drove to bethesda maryland and did so till 2002 when one node showed mcl. in 2 weeks he was dieing. 6 months inpatient, a stem cell transplant in boston dana farber in 03 complete remission..
fought cgvd graft versus host where the donor eats something up of yours.. she chose his eyes ate the cornea out, back to boston for scaral lens to restore sight, more chemophotoaphreases to beat down the donor... by then the bones was shot... his heart was fine according to the mugga scan and the ekg and the thamum scans.. in between strokes both eyes, acute renal failure, congestive heart failure, massive pulumary embolisums, and careract sugery... he went back to work... he passed away last year at his machine, one moment he was standing the next gone.. his fellow responders worked from 6:09 when man down was called to 6:59 when the code was finished. he told me the week before he did not have another fight in him. we made a sucide pact... he died before we could complete it.
will he always be a part of my life, sure.. he was my best friend, he made me complete.
what i have found is that emotions you have in the battle are kept in check, I was in the room for every surgery test scope pick line , hickman.... and at the end was the one to pull the tube that inabaited him and his ivs.. and bathed him the last time.. when he fell he fractured his skull, and all his ribs where broken and his back he worked at a steel mill.
has it been hard.. sure... there seems to be a something that will triger a memory,
for a long time was not sure i'd make it, for a long time i did not want to. now i think i am ready to rejoin the living, make some friends, have hopefuly some one to share a cup of coffee with, a slow dance, a smile... a touch while i will never for him, he wanted me to go on or to go with him, with him was not an option at the end so i go on.. gosh by now you have to be bored to tears.... in the 7 years he had we packed so much love and laughter i was blessed. I want to dance in the summer rain, walk in new snow, see the best sunset... and livethe life we should have...
rose

I am so lucky he went to a much better palce and i got 8 years more than the doctors thought.... But in watching the children deal with grief,
there was so much more they needed to hear than was said by him. now i take the time to do day trip with them or the spur of the moment.. lunch when the house needed cleaned.and most of all to listen not only with my head but with my heart..

never after an 8 year cancer battle and a successful stem cell transplant almost 5 years ago got the chance to day good bye to hubby of 32 years he died at his machine at work massive heart attack last year.. now I make the time to do and say all these things. and to make mud pies with the kids.
and thanks

My children and grandchildren,
I would say that I loved and believed in them no matter what, to never be afraid to dream, to love like they had never been hurt,to laugh often and long.. to make the time to dance in the summer rain,walk in fresh snow, to make memories, they last forever, and that when ever they needed me in the future I'm already there.To morn a short time, then let me go. To remember that you can't always see the stars but thier always there.