what?!?!?! Now were tempting fate??? Can I watch?

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."
The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

Hey Dave..... you know we can see you are Dave when you post, as your name has Dave in it..... right, Dave? We just look left, Dave.


OH? I hadnt noticed....pay no attention to the old man in the corner..AND DO NOT FEED HIM!!!

Thankyou very much


Dave

never fails for me..they are too far away or still ranting about the ex..... iswear I've had a few that start out their letter and Iquote," This Aint my Ex is it? Cause iwill hurt you very badly if it is you Bob, Phil,George, or whom ever...gets funny after awhile... But this is about you and I'm sorry that you are going thru this...there is always a reason for all things that happen to us.... I have to beleive this or I would go nuts...oh wait a minute..I'M too late...

Dave

Jerks are jerks and losers are losers!!! it aint you!!! Its just the majority of the world...and by the way that works both ways...and how old is too old?... hang in there Poppy Dave says life will get better for you...Mr Right is close by...and Idont mean the mailman...lol
just be you and let it happen...

Dave

1 My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't .

2 . I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them!

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26 . Ham and eggs..A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

What better place to put it....This is just a note to say that He will be missed by friends and fans alike. He was a great comedian. I saw him in Toledo, Ohio many years ago. I have never laughed as hard or as long...Later George, We will miss you dearly.

Dave

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

There was once a Truck Driver who was almost always on the road. One particular day he was driving along a route that he had done a few times before. Up the road a bit he sees a man dressed from head to toe in Yellow. This yellow dressed man was seemingly waving and motioning to him to get him to stop so, he complied and stopped the truck.

"Hi, can I help you?" Said the Truck Driver. "Yes, I am the Yellow Bastard of the road and I want something to drink and I want it now!!" Blurted out the yellow-dressed man.

"Geez, alright, relax." Said the Truck Driver. He then went into his truck looked around and found a soda, handed it to him, and then continued on his way.

A while later along the same highway, he came across a second man who this time was dressed from head to toe in Red. Again, this man was signaling to him to stop. So, wondering what this man wanted he stopped his truck.

"Hi, can I help you sir?" Said the Truck Driver." Yes, I am the Red Bastard of the road and I want something to eat and I want it now!!!" Screamed the Red-Dressed man. "Alright, Alright, relax." Said the Truck Driver. "I'll see what I can do."

He went into his truck, looked around and found a sandwich. He handed it to him and then continued on his way.

Some more time passes and again he comes across a third guy who this time is dressed from head to toe in blue.

"Oh great! Not another one of these idiots." Said the Truck Driver to himself. "I don't care what he wants, I am not stopping my truck."

But of course this blue-dressed man was very persistant. He jumped into the middle of the road, held out his hands in a "I want you to stop" kind of way and screamed. "STOP YOUR TRUCK!!!"

The Truck Driver slammed on the brakes, ripped open his door and ran over to the blue-dressed man. He was pissed off.

"Let me guess. You're the Blue Bastard of the road, and what the **** do you want??!?! He screamed angrily.

"Your license and registration please."

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."

The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it."

Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

A blonde walks over to visit one of her friends.

While she is at her friend's house it starts to rain very heavily.

Her friend tells her to spend the night at her house and go home the next day.

When she hears this, the blonde rushes out the door and comes back a while later totally drenched and carrying a small shopping bag.

So her friend asks "Where did you run off too?" "I went home to get my pajamas!"

Three old-timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with the Dalton gang. The others agreed it sounded pretty exciting.

The second gentleman was a retired fireman. He told about a huge fire at the university, where young coeds jumped naked from their dorm windows into his arms.

The other gentlemen all agreed that sounded pretty exciting.

The third retiree began his story, "I was an undertaker.

One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.

When I got there, the guy had a huge erection sticking straight up.

I knew I couldn't take him through the lobby that way, so I found an old broom handle and hit that erection just as hard as I could."

The old man paused. "You talk about excitement," he continued, "I was in the wrong damn room !"

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,"Daddy, look at this", and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers, "pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Talk about falling for it...lol

...and why do you think all southern boys have that biiiggg sh*teating grin...lol

I'm still crawling on the floor...stop stop...too funny...I cant see...lol
damn that takes me back...lol

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco with minimal lettuce...I swear to god he said this....

"sorry we only have iceburg lettuce"!!!...lol


My neighbor was talking to me and discussing how the county needs to remove the DEER CROSSING sign on our road because too many deer are getting hit by cars!!! She feels its not a good place for them to cross anymore...

add any you know of...lol
and more coming...