Rum and Negro

If more people liked themselves there would be more single people.

The Humans Are Dead...

"We don't have a whole lot of songs that feature the cowbell and I would be doing myself and every member of the band a disservice if I didn't perform the hell out of this."

"In Memoriam: Gene Frenkle: 1950-2000."

"Guess what?! I got a fever, and the only prescription... is more cowbell!"

True, I'm all grown up now, and a 'big boy' with 'big responsibilities' and a list of things to do... Sure, I'm an arrogant bast*rd with goals, plans, dreams (some realized and some not). And yes, I complain sometimes that there are NO women out there for me sometimes.

But then I think back to those days on the farm in Tennessee. I think back to the days my beautiful mom (the counselor, the nurse, the nuturer, the social director, the friend) would dress my wounds, prepare my meals, iron my clothes, and spank my little black @$$ when I deserved it. I think back to the college days when she knew somehow I was broke and hungry, and would show up at my dorm with a plate of food big enough for three. I remember the days when I bought my first home, and she helped me decorate. I really remember the days she stood by me when my marriage disntegrated before my eyes, and I felt as if my entire life was an illusion. And now I think about the times we share now, though not as frequent as I'd like...

And then I realize... There is now and always will be one woman who no matter what, always has my heart. One woman who I love, and who truly loves me. Unconditionally.

To all you moms out there, if you're only an eighth the woman my mom is, you're truly divine.

Happy Mother's Day.

A coach bag. I'll give it to her when she visits Cali in 2 weeks

No...

H-H-H- Hey B-B-B-Boss!! D-D-D- Da Plane! D-D-D-D P-Pl-Pl-Pl-Plane!!!

Ricardo Montalban... Or maybe Gary Coleman

I sound like a cross between Bobcat goldwaithe and Tattoo from Fantasy Island... With a st st st stutter...

It's perfectly ok to express love for your boys (dappin em up, manly hugs are ok now, etc.)

But...

If any of my boys feels the need to tell me they love me even on a semi regular basis I might start to wonder if he's masturbating to my picutures.

I'm a masochist. Tie me up in saran wrap and beat me with a phone book.

Yeah, the letters on mine rearranged to say :

"You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... You will never get laid again... "

Kinda weird...

Oh wow!! I hit an F sharp on that one! YAY!!

Seriously, just move to Cali. Still a few shootings and plenty of drugs, but you can't beat the sushi.

I loves me all midgets and practicers of midgetry.

I know! I used to be a Narcorrido, but they shot my tuba player.

You have three choices.

1) A man/woman who is filthy rich, great in bed, but you don't really truly love him/her

2) A man/woman who is great in bed, loves you like no other (and the feeling is mutual), sexy as hell, but is equally broke as hell (and in debt)

OR

3) A man/woman who is wealthy beyond imagination, loves you dearly, but can't (or won't) have sex.

My imaginary friend was a robot named Willoughby Penguin. He had the power to turn mayonaise into explosives. My mom beat me for the time she found mayo smeared all over the dog once.

I hated Willoughby. But he had a magnificent singing voice.

Oh my god... It's like I soooo get you and it's like we complete each other's sentences, and oh my god, it's like... it's like...

Sorry... I had too much sugar today.