You heard Monica's a rich woman now, every time she left the White House she had a wad of Bill's

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking
at herself, nude in a mirror...

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose
weight was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God
for help...

'God...If you take away my love handles, I'll devote
my life to you, She prayed...


And just like that... her ears fell off...

hell i thought every one here was looking for a future ex

An old man unfortunately passes on, and finds himself in front of ST Peter manning the pearly gates,

The old man asks "so what happens now?"

ST Peter responds "Its simple, Spell love, the greatest human power and the gates will open"

SO the old man calls out L-O-V-E

And behold the gates open, as soon as the old man enters, ST Peter says "I've been here over a million years, and need to walk out the kinks, man the gate for me"

The old man says "wait what do I do?"

And Peter tells him "Just have anyone who comes up do what you did."

No sooner than the old man is comfortable and up pops his wife!

Shocked he asks "what are you doing here dear"

She says "After your funeral I couldn't stand the pain, I simply laid down and died."

He answers "How sweet you are, and the good news is all you have to do is spell a word and the gates will let you in"

She gets all excited "You mean if I spell 1 word I'll be able to spend an eternity at your side? Whats the word?"

He smiles lovingly and and says "CHECKLOSLAVAKIA"

One day the country blond decided to go sailing, so she went to the barn, dug out an old row boat and took it to the corn field.

As she was rowing away trying to make headway a car comes zooming down the road.

The car squeals to a stop, and out jumps the city blond!

She runs to the edge of the cornfield and yells "hey you, yea you, you dumb blond, its dummies like you that give us all a bad name. I'd go out there and kick your butt if I could swim!"

As all digital recording IS contained within PI, does that not say that PI is the quintessential master of digital media therefore giving ownership of such media to PI?

As such all proceeds developed via the media should belong to PI. Whereas with out PI as the basis for complex mathematical computation all addition expansion of digital media would be void, giving the Lawyers for PI exclusive right to future royalties.

2 elderly ladies were sitting on a used car lot as a policeman went on his patrol. After seeing them there several times he decides to check on them.

He walks up to the car and asks the ladies what their doing, the first lady answers "My daughter in law bought a car here and said she got screwed royally"

The second lady adds " and we're just waiting our turn."

borrowed from unknown but very funny

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.
______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once Installed!

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. !

Best of luck,
Tech Support

There is a new study just released about women and how they feel about their a*ses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. Only 5% of women surveyed feel their a*s is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their a*s is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man and they would have married him anyway.

Man goes to see a doctor and tells him he has a problem with his private parts, but the doctor must promise not to laugh...

The doctor gets real indignant and assures the man he is a professional and has never found a patient funny.

The man drops his pants, and there it is, about the size of a peanut, as hard as the doctor tries he can't stop himself and bursts out laughing,

He composes himself, apologizes many times and asks "what seems to be the problem?"

The man answers "It's swollen"