What would have encouraged you to get a job before you got kicked out? What do you wish your parents would have done differently?

I don't consider myself the "smartest". Maybe just the one with this sort of experience. I offered my three adult children the option of abiding by the house rules or finding their own paths in life. They chose the latter. My daughter got lucky and found a good husband and is doing well. My sons fell on their faces and have moved back in with me. One has grown up and understands now, the other has not. The cycle has returned.

In retrospect, I don't see any other way this could have transpired. The kids were pitting mom against dad and literally tearing apart the marriage. Mom and dad didn't see eye to eye on the raising of adult children in the home. Our 23 year marriage ended because of the chaos. The consequences of "kicking them out" to save the marriage backfired.

Franshade may be one up on me in that she hasn't gotten to a place of losing control of her home. We had six children together and the dynamics were probably quite different. Raising three adult children in a home with three additional minor children, different perspectives, one parent being the "friend", the other trying to be both, blah blah...

Experience can be a wonderfully horrible thing sometimes!

It's not the father that introduces drug use. It's the mentality that says you can escape real life problems by using drugs. It's the parents responsibility to teach them that as well. It would be irresponsible to keep the child "problem free" by doing everything to make their life easy with the idea that you are making sure your kids don't use drugs. Real life is going to hit them right between the eyes one day or another.

Isn't that the truth! The best friend a parent can be is to stay tuned in to parenting first and foremost. The best gift we can give them is independence, and this entails a bit of tough love sometimes.

Precisely!

I used to think that way, "when it is time, push them out of the nest to either sink or swim". I tried that, two son's sunk, I took them back in.

Nature is a good teacher, but what is it really teaching us? On the surface, it sounds good. However, birds and people don't really relate to each other. Birds don't celebrate birthdays, holidays, and relationships. When you fly away, your gone. Baby birds get eaten by cats and attacked by other birds unless they survive long enough to learn to take care of themselves. I do believe there will come a time when forcing them out of the nest is the right choice, but I think we need to be very careful in determining that time. It can't be based on chronological maturity alone. We have to consider emotional maturity as well. If we aren't able to maintain peace in the home, then there really isn't any alternative either.

My 21 year old son is begging me to kick him out again by using childish behavior. He does not have a job and refuses to contribute anything to the home. This has earned him very little adult freedom and no luxury at all. He's trying to use the same games he played when mom was in the home. Daddy-oh don't play simple checkers though and he's having a hard time adapting to the game strategies and difficulty of play without having his mom disrupting the game for him, although she is doing it from a distance now. His current move is to irritate me enough to kick his a$$ out so mom and nanny will take him in and nurture him, pay for his stuff, and treat him like the child he is so used to being. If I kick him out of the nest, these cats will eat his independence and he won't learn to fly well enough on his own. Even at 21, he isn't emotionally mature enough to fly on his own because of all the pampering he received earlier on. He doesn't need more of the same.

So, I'm keeping him at home and trying to teach him that independence means you make your own choices while dependence means other people choose for you. I'm demonstrating to him what cooperation get's him and what the lack of cooperation takes away. I'm being frank with him too, letting him know he can learn to be a free man by living with me until he learns to fly, or he can have someone fly for him. His choice. If I make that choice for him by kicking him out, I'm not allowing him to make independent decisions. Given the choices, I'm sure he'll leave on his own pretty soon.

What I'm not doing is his dishes, cleaning, laundry, giving him money, or even buying him food. He lives by my rules while he's in my home. He's not a happy camper yet, but this is the result of HIS choices.

What's yer bank account number? I'll drop some right in there for ya!

Give us a hint, what state are you in? I'm in Michigan. No need to wonder about me, it's freakin cold!!

I love it when women share their secrets.

What's a man to do?!

That would be Kool, aye?

It's just no good anymore since she went away! I need some KoolAid!!

We used to drink KoolAid while listening to the record player.

Are you referring to a drug or something? Electric Cool Aid?

Don't drink the Kool-aid. Who was it, Jim Jones?

That makes sense. I can relate.

Sixteen (give or take a year or so) is a tough age for a parent. It's the time when parents needs to focus on switching from a "Manager" of their child's life, to a "Consultant". Until this time, you can dictate a lot to them, however as they get older they come to the age of independence and will not obey your every command. In fact, they will sometimes do just the opposite to feel they have made their own decision.

As a parent, it is our ultimate goal to bring them to a place where they are no longer dependent on their parents. It's funny, from the moment our child is born, we begin teaching them how to live without us. Teach them to be independent, to make their own right decisions.

So, with that in mind, I guess the best we can do is begin communicating these adult things with them early instead of waiting until something has already happened. Don't fool yourself, they're looking into this stuff at the age of 10! We typically don't start talking about it for another 5 years! Let them know, that yes there are these parts that fit together, it feels better than anything you can compare it to, you'll find yourself in situations where passion burns, you'll want it without even thinking, etc.

In Managing them, you won't allow them to be in a position to be exposed to this temptation. No dating, no boys/girls over, yadda yadda. While Managing them, be open with them and take the time to teach them why they aren't allowed to do such and such. Teach them how to manage themselves early so that when it's time to be their Consultant, you can give them advise that they'll already understand, instead of the weak, "Just say no". Teach them how to avoid those situations, to discipline themselves, and what to do to escape if they stumble into something.

This reminds me of when I was 17, still a virgin. My girlfriend and I were alone, things were getting really heated for both of us. When it was just about to get past the point of no return, she excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she came back, she was quite cooled down. Even though I wasn't, I decided to change the situation and we went outside. Nothing ever happened between us.

Anyway, good luck with your teens!

For almost all of the states, the legal age of consent is 16. a couple are 15, a couple others are 17. I think it's 12 in Africa! This is the age the courts have determined a person is mature enough to make decisions for themselves. It's not statutory rape unless there was no consent or one of the partners is mentally handicapped.

Been there! My daughter was 15 at the time, he was the same age. Had the boys parents over to the house and informed them that their son and my daughter were doing it under their roof while on their watch. Told them if I can't trust my daughter at their home, that it's time to end the relationship. My daughter hated me for a long time, but now she's married to a wonderful man. This other guy is still around, in the military as a mortician.

My advise? Take it slow and stay calm with your little girl. Remember how heavy passion burns at that age. Grounding won't do anything except drive a wedge between you. You don't want any wedges, you want closeness, understanding, and trust. Dude, you've been there. Try to relax. Trust me on this.

Thank you Ms. Wench.