"Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd

That is in my top ten of best 80's songs of all time. Plus it was in the movie Napoleon Dynamite which was awesome!

Just walk up to her and say,

"Hi. Just have to say, nice rack right?"

She looks at you all huffy and puffy and then you point....

"That barbell rack. It is rather nice and clean right. Says alot about a gym. Wouldn't you agree?"

Ice is broken, you both laugh, then work on getting them digits.

Well kissing is pretty awesome....if done correctly.

Kisses in the car? That's child's play. When a woman has you all worked up, and she is making all kinds of eye contact with you stating "I am about to blow your.....mind...."....oh yeah.....and then she steps out of the car and leaves you with a raging semi? Now THAT'S how a woman leaves a man wanting more.

Eh. I am more of a simpler dude. Here are the stages as Goof sees them.

1. I like you. You like me. We date.
2. We kiss and it is awesome! We date some more.
3. We kiss some more, you bake me a cake and it's awesome, we date some more.
4. We do the deed....yes that means I see you naked and you see me naked...and it is awesome! We date and sex it up some more. Plus you keep baking me all kinds of baked goods. And I help maintain your vehicle and apartments cause chicks dig guys who can handle tools.
5. We have dated for awhile and it is official.....we just can't see ourselves without each other. You love me, I love you.....you hate me sometimes...sometimes I hate you....you get mad when I won't take the garbage out....I get mad at you cause you won't shut up talking while the game is on.....it's pure bliss and hell......it's love. The end.

I stopped when you said you were the evil twin.

"Wrapped around your finger"- The Police

Maybe your sister's evil twin or something.

"Tiny Dancer"- Elton John

Ahhhhhh......the memories. I was 34, about a year removed from my divorce, so I was basically getting my feet wet in the dating world. I had been on a few dates and none had been disastrous. So I was feeling pretty good about dating and thought that all the horror stories I had heard about were overrated.

And then I met a girl who just simply would not shut up. Ever been on a date where you only maybe say ten words in a three hour time frame? Well, ole Goof has. She would literally ask me a question, and I maybe would get one word in before she was talking about herself again. I literally looked at the waiter one time and he could read my thoughts.....even he was like "Dude. Get the "F" outta here. This chick is loco".

The kicker was that on the next day, I went on the dating site (where we had met on) and she stated that "I wasn't a good match for her". I died laughing and then put in my experience on the date "She wouldn't shut her trap unless it had food in it....and sometimes she even talked with her mouth full....which is a turn off for me and therefore I cannot date someone with terrible table manners". I might have been a bit perturbed with her.

Well that's because when you put "friendship" guys translate this to "friends with benefits". Truth.

I'm never in the right thread sceptical.

That line is actually from a movie called My Blue Heaven. It worked for Steve Martin's character.

My favorite line to use on a woman who is grocery shopping....now she has to be in the frozen food section for this to work....

Me: "You know....you shouldn't be in the frozen food section."

Woman: "Why not?"

Me: "You could melt all this stuff".


Hey....it could work. Lol!

"The Way"- Fastball

That rug really tied the room together.

Ahhh Blondey.....you know the way to my heart....whip me into eating your delicious cookies.

My best date was meeting up with a girl that I was talking to online. I drove seven hours to meet her. We met up, had a quick meal at a Wendy's, then we walked on a beach (well it was a fake beach....it's hard to explain so just go with it people)....we talked and talked and then adjourned to our hotel. We then went to a Casino, had dinner, gambled some, drove around cause we got lost......anyways, I know it sounds lame but you have to understand I was into this woman and I honestly thought there was no way she would be into me.....and I was happily wrong.

I see it like this. Couples seem to always add all the lovey dovey stuff on social media when things are actually going wrong in the relationship. For whatever reason, the online world allows us to dabble more into the realm of make believe....create this false illusion and act like the perfect couple....which is there really such a thing? I mean...think about it....couples can't be perfect. I may like meat...she could be a vegetarian.......she may like it rough in the sack when I take the rope and.....wait a minute!!!!!

Anyways....announcing a relationship online is cool. Allow everyone to shower you with love....and maybe even send you gifts....I like gift cards....for future reference. As I was saying, announcing is cool. But keep all your dirty laundry in house. Unless you contact me to help counsel you.....my fee is $99.99 and hour, and I even bake cookies for my clients. I swear they aren't laced with anything.

"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from hell
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?"


Love those lyrics.