Hi,.... I wanted to tell ya how much your support does mean to
me....that is the reason why I signed up on justsayhi.com, because I am
tired of keeping everything inside, and having no one to talk to.....now
that a few days has gone by, I feel like a fool for saying it to
everyone....it is all true...I woke up Saturday morning, still
traumatized by the night before, and was desperate to let it out of
me......I feel that I should of just written it to myself, if just to
let it out......I have cut myself off from everyone, including my
sisters that I grew up with....one of my sisters I haven't spoken to in
a couple of years, and my sister Laura knows that when she doesn't hear
from me for a few months, I am distancing myself because I am going thru
a bad time.....I don't share with her what is going on at home, because
she has heard of the things before, and I don't want my negativeness to
wear on her positive energy.....so I only try to write her positive
emails when I do talk to her,.....I don't talk to anyone on the phone,
and I don't know the last time I talked to anyone on it, but my husband
or kids....... I am so desperate to have some friends to email, to let
out what is going on inside.......I have done the order of protection
before with him, and went thru 2 trials{2 separate incidents} where I
had to testify against him, when I had him arrested in 2001, and I went
thru a women's group and counseling, but my counselor had dropped me
after a couple of months, because she said that I had too many problems
and didn't know how she could help me......that just devastated me, and
made me hide more inside, more ashamed of myself, more distrusting of
others, and more afraid to open myself up to others .....and the DA or
womens group was suppose to let me know when he was being released, but
never did, ....so when he was released, he showed up unexpectedly on New
Years Eve, and after having him gone for Thanksgiving, and XMas, and I
had posttraumatic stress disorder,{ I couldn't sleep and thought
people{men} were or had broken into my home}, I would be too afraid to
sleep, so I would stay up all night, and go to work a total wreck.....so
because of being worn out and drained, and my boys & I had missed him,
I let him back in.....its hard to be strong, when you are so weak
inside,.....I also go thru feelings of guilt because he is not a
horrible man when he is not drunk....he is very funny & humorous, and
can make everyone laugh, and he is affectionate and loving to our kids
and I, so feel as if on a tug a war inside....when a relationship is
about 85% positive & loving & the other 15% is negative and scary, it
makes it where I have a hard time calling the authorities...when I pick
up the phone, I want to call,...but feelings of guilt stop me..... who
really wants to have someone that they love dearly, sent away and locked
up?...I know that I just gotta get thru the night and tommorrow may be
better.....I have been in even worse relationships before him, where the
abuse was daily,....I grew up in foster care homes all my life where the
abuse was daily....so I guess part of me is happy that I only have to
make it thru maybe a couple times a month or so, instead of what I could
get myself into with someone even worse....like I said too,...he is very
affectionate, and tells he loves me & the kids constantly and hugs me &
the kids alot, so that is where I feel so pulled both ways.....I know I
am not the only one living in this world like this,....there are some
being treated worse, and some that don't get affection or much love from
their spouse...and because of being inside and secluded for so long too
and feeling let down by alot of state systems {growing up and previous
incidents in my life}, I find it hard to go to agencies where I am just
a number for their funding for their organization, and not there really
for me....to open myself up to just be turned away from
later.....because of never going out, and having anxiety attacks being
around others, and when I even walk outside, I stare only at the ground
directly ahead of me, and never look at anyone going by, whether by car
or on foot....the fears and anxiety that I feel, makes it hard to take
certain steps......I have alot of issues from my past that I never got
to put closure to, which is why I have certain fears and lack of
trust....after being distanced from so many for so long, and hiding from
the world, its now like I can't hold it in any longer, and have found
myself screaming out to the world of strangers,.... my pain & my
fears.....yes, I feel the fool now, for opening up and saying so
much.....I just was trying to find a way to release what was feeling
inside.....Thank you for showing me support....I do know that if I can
build a support group of friends to talk to, that I will gain strength
to have the courage to take the steps needed, and will be able to trust
others for a change, in order to change my life..... Ev

Last night was another night that I was not sure I would wake up to see
the light of day... Such FEAR & ANXIETY races thru me when my husband is
loaded & wants to let out his RAGE on me....he threatens that he will
kill me, and he TRULY is capable of doing so....he has punched, choked,
kicked me and has threatened me with butcher knives...Part of me is to
the point that I just wish he would just do it, and another part of me
is hoping just to make it thru'....I had him arrested a few years
ago,and he was locked up for 2 months, released and given 2 years
probation & ordered to take anger management classes... he did what he
had to do, and calmed down physically on me, but the mental and
emotional abuse always continued....the past 6 months or so, his rage
when he drinks, has been getting worse, and he smashes things and
screams and terrorizes me with threats again that he will kill me and
dump my body over the bridge....when he wakes up in the morning,like
today, he doesn't want to hear me crying about how scared I was, and
tells me he's sorry, and he loves me, and he promises to cut down to 12
beers instead of a case, and leaves for work or if he doesn't have to
work, then goes about the house helping with homechores ect....he is a
very kind, humorous and loving man when he is sober....he won't hear of
going to rehab or outpatient treatment....I have been stuck at home with
my 5 kids and have no family or friends to go to, to just get away for
awhile....I don't know how I would be able to support my kids on my own,
and don't want to give up my house to go to a shelter with a bunch of
strangers I don't know...with my 2 older boys in school and my 3 little
ones at home with me, I just don't know how to figure out, or do, what I
need to do....I have put up with this from him for 14 years, and before
him, I had even worse relationships, where I was abused on a daily
basis....I grew up in several foster homes with lots of abuse since I
was 6 months old. I am now 37 years old, and I want to NOT BE AFRAID or
HURT anymore!!! After being cut off from the world and having NO self
esteem for so long, I don't have the courage or the strength to
leave....Negative thoughts go thru my head, such as, "who would want
someone with 5 kids?!" or afraid that if I was back out there dating
{SCARY THOUGHT}, I would only wind up in another abusive relationship,
becuz that is what I seem to get myself into.... I guess I associate
Love w/ Abuse...and how do I break that cycle? I NEVER leave my house
anymore.....honestly, I might go out with the kids & hubby about 3 times
a year....I have become so isolated that I am now afraid to go outside
around strangers on my own.....I am not only afraid of my husband, but
the outside world scares me even more!!! It has been like this for me
for years now, and now that it has continued for so long, I don't know
how to break past of my fears and not feel anxious, nervous and afraid
of everything or everyone.... Sometimes I think that this is my life and
I have to accept it for the way things are, but when I have a scary
night like last night, I want a New Life....a New Beginning.....but
HOW??? Are there any other women on justsayhi.com that have lived with
this isolation, fear and terror in their lives and have a better life
now??? How do I get past my outside fears before I can face my fears
within my own home??? I am reaching out to everyone to PLEASE HELP
ME!!!!

Ev

wow, that is just too real....
it's like you are inside my head...

Thanks for sharing....

Christmas Carols For the Mentally Disturbed


1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open
Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the
froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Merry XMas to you too, Morena! :)

Hey Terry... Good Morning to ya... :)

Gotta get going...but this was kinda cool talking with all of ya....will
try to get back when I have a spare moment...whenever that may be.....in
the meantime,....


TAKE CARE EVERYONE & STAY SAFE!!! =o)

Gosh, they run & run & run!!!...yell & scream....tear the house apart,
and it seems to never stop... I have 3 computers up and running so they
can play games on noggin or pc games and even have kid movies on all the
time....and it just never seems to be enough for them to do to exhaust
them... when one is having fun doing something, one of the other ones,
have to come around and mess with them and then all the crying begins
again....
=(

I know a few don't have their kids for XMas....anyone want to borrow one
of mine?.... LOL

Morning All.....I hear ya there Cherub Poet,...tell me what your trick
is? I got 3 girls here and silence does not exist here! Losing My
Mind!.... :)

Good Morning!

Always nice to wake up to a good laugh.

:)

T'WAS the night before Chrismas
and all through the house,
everybody felt sh*tty, even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass,
I've just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn
I saw a big d*ck.
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment
the f*cker had fell.

He filled all the stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a Big Rubber Dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
The Son of a Bitch
blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all and
have a Hell of a Night."

Hi Everyone, I read this and laughed my ass off, so wanted to share it
with all of you.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! Ev :)



T'WAS the night before Chrismas
and all through the house,
everybody felt ****ty, even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse
and Dad smoking grass,
I've just settled down
for a nice piece of ass.

When out on the lawn
I saw a big ****.
I knew in a moment
It must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment
the ****er had fell.

He filled all the stockings
with pretzels and beer
and a Big Rubber Dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
The Son of a Bitch
blew the chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all and
have a Hell of a Night."

This world needs more like Dog. He gets the SCUM off our streets, and
has a Heart of Gold.

Tonight on A&E, at 10:00pm EST, The Family Speaks about this recent
arrest.

This special one-hour presentation includes exclusive interviews
offering a first hand account of the events leading to Dog, Leland and
Tim's dramatic arrest stemming from their heroic capture of convicted
rapist Andrew Luster in Mexico more than three years ago.

ONE LESS RAPIST on the streets, which should make some women sleep a
little better.
The guy would of still been raping/abusing women, if Dog hadn't gotten
his ass, and you know damn well, there was no police working together to
get this SCUM.

GOD BLESS DOG & HIS FAMILY!!! :)

Actually I had already read the emails {not just notifications} on
Friday, but when signed back on Monday, 2 were gone. I guess they must
of been spammers/scammers.

By the way, I must say that I think it is great to finally find a site
that is free to contact others, and is not only for those looking for
their special someone, but for people that need a friend or two to talk
to.

Thanks! =o)

Hi, I got 3 emails last week, but when I signed in today to try to
respond back, 2 of the emails were missing. Did they delete their
profiles, which is why the emails are no longer showing? Thanks for your
assistance.... :)