What is magic love?



Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?


In a tigers mouth.


Hint: Siegfried and Roy

If there is more life in a drop of sperm than a drop of blood, why doesn't dracula suck d*ck instead?

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed. A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed. A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the
floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras
and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:


[You're going to hate me for this]



"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY"

On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross-country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the road. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks.
"Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the truck.

As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw.

"Hell no!" says the girl.

"Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side, "No screw, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig.

A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw.

"Not for my life!" says the girl.

"Well," says the driver, "No screw, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out.

Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again.

"Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says.

"Sure! Let's do it!" replies the girl.

At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road.

Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself.

No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with its lights flashing and sirens blaring.

"Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me."

"What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman.

"No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know."

"Oh shoot!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front.

The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "NO SCREW, NO RIDE!"

It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;
but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-
he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you
and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,
but he slowly takes his time,
wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer,
going deeper,
you feel the tissue give way,
pain surges throughout your body
and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.
He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears
but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out
with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,
you feel something bursting within you
and he pulls it out of you,
you lay panting,
glad to have it over.
He looks at you and smiling warmly,
tells you,
with a chuckle,
that you have been his most stubborn
yet most rewarding experience.


You smile and thank your dentist.
After all,
it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
What were you THINKING?!


NAUGHTY!!
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
..
...
..
.
U BIG FREAKKK!!!!!

A Hillbilly applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo dolls". It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday, they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls. The boss could not control his laughter and said, "Lady, I said to give each doll Two - Test - Tickles."

Yo momma is so old that when I told her to act her age she rolled over and played dead.

Yo momma is so ugly that when she went to the ugly duckling contest she was disqualified because they didn't want professionals.

Dr. Schlambaugh, a senior lecturer at the Chemical Engineering Department,University of Oklahoma, is known for posing questions on final exams like: "Why do airplanes fly?"

In May a few years ago, the "Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer " exam paper contained the question:

"Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or similar. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we must postulate that if souls exist, they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls also must have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it does not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some religions say that if you
are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions, and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to
Hell. With the birth and death rates what they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of the souls and volume needs to stay constant.

[Answer 1] So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature in Hell willincrease until all Hell breaks loose.

[Answer 2] Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase in souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate (given to me by Teresa Banyan during freshman year) that "it'll be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and taking into account that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then [Answer 2] cannot be correct;
...... thus, Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Little Johnny's teacher asks, "What is the chemical formula for water?"

Little Johnny replies, "HIJKLMNO"!!

The teacher, puzzled, asks, "What on Earth are you talking about?"

Little Johnny replies, "Yesterday you said it was H to O!"

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Terrified., the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."

God creates Adam, and soon Adam is complaining that he's all alone in the Garden of Eden. So God says, "Okay, I'll make you a companion, a beautiful creature who'll cook and clean for you. It will be able to converse intelligently on any subject, and never ever complain or argue."

Adam says, "That sounds great."

God says, "The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "That's expensive!! What can I get for a rib?"

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don’t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma

What did the mongoloid say to his dog?

Downsyndrome!!

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts
talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about
it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the
bar: A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you
drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for
it.
He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
thinks........this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

In one second the sharp lime taste hits
At two seconds the Baileys curdles...
At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like
consistency hits
At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty
snot.
This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting
to disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting
drink. When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend,
and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge"

A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.
She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?"

Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

ANTIBODY - against everyone

ARTERY - the study of fine paintings

BARIUM - what you do when CPR fails

BENIGN - what you be after you be eight

BOTULISM - tendency to make mistakes

CARDIOLOGY - advanced study of poker playing

CAT SCAN - searching for ones lost kitty

CAUTERIZE- made eye contact with her

COLIC - a sheep dog

COMA - a punctuation mark

CONGENITAL - friendly

CORTIZONE - the local courthouse

D & C - where Washington is

DILATE - to live longer

ENEMA - not a friend

ENTERITIS - a penchant for burglary

ER - the things on your head that you hear with

FESTER - quicker

FIBRILLATE - to tell lies

G.I. SERIES - baseball games between teams of soldiers

GENES - blue denim slacks

GENITAL - non- Jewish

GRIPPE - what you do to a suitcase

HANGNAIL - a coat hook

HEMORRHOID - a male from outer space

HERPES - what women do in the Ladies Room

HORMONES - what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid

ICU - peek- a- boo

IMPOTENT - distinguished, well known

INPATIENT - tired of waiting

LABOR PAIN - hurt at work

MEDICAL STAFF - a doctor's cane

MINOR OPERATION - somebody else's

MORBID - a higher offer

NITRATE - lower than day rate

NODE - was aware of

OUTPATIENT - a person who has fainted

PARALYZE - two far-fetched stories

PATHOLOGICAL - a reasonable way to go

PHARMACIST - person who makes a living dealing in agriculture

POST- OPERATIVE - a letter carrier

PROTEIN - in favor of young people

RECOVERY ROOM - place to upholster furniture

RECTUM - what happened to the Corvette

RED BLOOD COUNT - Dracula

RHEUMATIC - amorous

SALINE - where you go on your boyfriend's boat

SECRETION - hiding anything

SEROLOGY - study of English knighthood

TABLET - a small table

TERMINAL ILLNESS - getting sick at the airport

TIBIA - country in North Africa

TRIPLE BYPASS - better than a quarterback sneak

TUMOR - an extra pair

URINE - opposite of "you're out"

VARICOSE - very close

VEIN - conceited

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No ****?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"

"Keep going!"

"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?