Tigers
Grab
Insensetive
Farmers

The Beatles - Yellow Submarine

I've read it about 8 times, and i get something new every time too. Which new book?? I must have missed the memo

on a more serious note, I'd also reccommend Stephen King's The Stand if you've got lots of time...it really changed the way I thought about any number of things

The Colour of Magic...although the new order of your mind might be a bit off when you're done...(hundreds of tiny feet)

An old farmer was sitting in a bar one evening, drinking like there was no tomorrow, looking like he'd just lost his best friend. Being a quiet evening, the bartender stopped after serving up the farmer's tenth drink to ask him what was wrong, why he looked so glum.

The farmer looked up from his drink, shook his head and said, "No sir, there are some things you just can't explain."

This piqued the bartender's curiosity, so he asked again, saying he was a pretty understanding guy, maybe he could help.

So, the farmer downs his drink and says, "Well, this morning, I was out milking my cow, just like always. Well, I got the bucket almost full, and the stupid cow kicked the bucket over. So, I got a piece of rope I had handy, and tied her leg to a beam, and started again. Got the bucket almost full again, damn cow kicked the bucket over with her OTHER foot. So, I got another peice of rope, tied that leg to another beam, and started over. This time, I had the bucket all the way full, just getting ready to pick it up, when the cow swished down her tail and knocked it over again. By this time I was so angry I just lost my temper, I dragged the stool over behind the cow, yanked off my belt, jumped up on the stool, and tied the cow's tail to the rafters. Right then, my pants fell down around my ankles, and my wife walked into the barn to see what was taking me so long. Yessir, there are some things you just can't explain."

lol, classic darwin award...there is a man who will no longer be able to reproduce

Shortly after Beethoven's death, many mourners would still come visit his grave on a daily basis. One day, as a group of mourners were standing near the grave, they began to hear music, coming from the ground!

They immediately called the authorites, who came out, and they too heard music coming from the ground. It was quickly realized that they were hearing Beethoven's 10th, being played backwards.

Experts in the occult were called in, who examined the grave, and the grounds around it, looked for legends or myths surrounding the area, and analyzed the music, which was now playing Beethoven's 9th, again, backwards.

Finally, Beethoven's family was called in, to discuss exhumation to find out what was going on. The music had progressed to Beethoven's 5th by now, still playing backwards. A passing gravedigger said to the massed experts and family, "there's no need to dig him up, he's just de-composing!"

a story in emoties

I'm a good guy, have a car, don't drink more than casually, have a good job, don't live w/ the folks

guess i have to put my two cents in on this one..

Steve wakes up from a hard night of partying with no memory of the night before, and two rings of color around his penis, one red and one brown. Concerned, he goes to the doctor, who proceeds to perform some tests.

A while later, the doctor comes back in and says, "Well, son, I've got good news and bad news."

"Well, what's the good news?" Steve asks. The doctor says, "well, the red ring is lipstick." Steve smiles and says, "That is good news! At least I had fun, even if i can't remember it...what's the bad news?"

"The brown ring is Skoal"

1 is definately a Darwin competitor, and 4 and 7 could make good honorable mentions..but you have to die to win a Darwin award (removing yourself from the gene pool in a foolish/stupid manner, therefore improving the pool for the rest of us).

edit: i forgot, you can also get a Darwin by sterilizing yourself in a foolish/stupid manner, ensuring you can't procreate.

I'm far too much of a nerd, but I found this hilarious

When you wake up to the sound of your landlord and the repo man fighting on your front lawn over who gets your stuff.

got a great laugh out of that

Why is it a pair of panties, but only one bra?

Why is it when something is moved by ship, it's cargo, and when it's moved by truck, it's a shipment?

Why is it no one ever believes you when you say, "Wow, that really smells terrible"...they always have to smell for themselves.

I love Jeff Dunham, he's hilarious..my fav's are Walter & Jose Jalepeno..on a stick