Nope

Something Kitten Happens

Y Q Z

In the end, there can be only Juan.

Please be on the alert:
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer," is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike
behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a
urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what
to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars, a lot
cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the
urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have
tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He
deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

A giraffe can kill a lion with one kick.
Dueling in Paraguay is legal as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
A recent poll showed that 33% of dog owners admit they talk to their dogs on the phone or leave them messages on an answering machine.
The only survivor of Custer's Last Stand was his horse, Comanche.
A diamond will not dissolve in acid. The only thing that can destroy it is intense heat.
The White House had a telephone before it had an indoor bathroom
Lemons contain more sugar than strawberries.
Ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone.
Most lipsticks contain fish scales.
Alexander Hamilton & his son Philip both died in the same spot- in a field during duels.
Thomas Edison (creator of the light bulb) was afraid of the dark.
Scientists say that sex can alleviate arthritis pain for up to 6 hrs
Researchers say hat when a waitress draws a happy face on a check, tips go up 18%
It's illegal to hunt camels in Arizona
Humans & elephants are the only animals that can stand on their heads
Every year, Mexico City sinks about 10 inches
There is a city called Rome on every continent in the world.
58% of Americans believe they have above average IQ.
Fortune cookies were actually invented in America in 1918 by Charles Jung.
All polar bears are left handed.
Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.
Apples are more efficient than caffeine in keeping people awake in the morning.
The first test tube baby was born July 25, 1978
Eagles mate in the air.
Among pro hockey players, 68% have lost at least 1 tooth
It takes a lobster about 7 years to grow to a weight of 1 pound.
In Tibet, it is considered polite to stick out your tongue at your guests.
Nearly 60% of women say they receive at least 11 emails a day, whereas only 49% of men say they do.
The word "taxi" is spelled the same in English, German, French, Swedish, & Portuguese
Ketchup was sold in the US as a patent medicine in the early 19th century-Dr. Millers Compound Extract of Tomato
The 1st automobile to cross the US took 52 days in 1903 going from San Francisco to New York.
The official state sport of Alaska is dog mushing
The Hoover Dam was built to last 2000 years. The concrete in it won't be fully cured for another 500.
It's illegal to plow a field in North Carolina with an elephant
In 1939, Pacific Grove, CA passed an ordinance making it a misdemeanor to molest a butterfly.
In 1875, the director of the US Patent Office resigned, advised his department should close, and claimed there was nothing left to invent.
An armadillo crosses a river by holding its breath and walking across the bottom.
According to some studies, a 30 minute nap each day reduces the risk of a heart attack by 30%
Every person has a unique tongue print, just like fingerprints
About 4% of all Americans are vegetarians
Napoleon Bonaparte was afraid of cats
On some Caribbean Islands, the oysters can climb trees.
A group of kangaroos is called a mob, group of whales a pod, and group of owls a parliament.
Among American women, 74% say the biggest dating turnoff is foul language.
About 1/2 of American men enjoy money more then sex.

647

650

For some reason, people keep calling me crazy.
I just say back "says the cashew to the pecan".

yup, they do.

pfft, you never need witnesses to prove you did something stupid.

Day #9859, successfully avoided sticking tongue on electrical outlet again.

Never Toast Donuts

E Q P

Oh why, oh why did I invest my life saving in peanut brittle?

no need to double post

mushroom soup (ok ... I don't actually eat it ... but didn't want to sound tacky just saying 'mushrooms')

Chrissy Tiegen or Jennifer Lawrence

OP's account deactivated :(

Reasonably rambunctious racoons

NO!