There's only two things in life to worry about..............either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, you have nothing to worry about but if you are sick you have two things to worry about. If you get well, you have nothing to worry about but if you are sick, you have two things to worry about. You could get well and have nothing to worry about, or you could die. If you die you could go to HEAVEN or to HELL. If you go to HEAVEN you will have nothing to worry about...........but if you go to HELL you will be to busy shaking hands with all your friends to ever have anthing to worry about again!

It is about 7:15am. A young man is in his bathroom shaving. He does not drink, or smoke, or chase women AND he very carefully watches what he eats and how much he eats. Does he realize that this is as good as he is going to feel all day long!

The sexes think so differently! Women live for the day that special man in their life says, "I love you"! And as for men, they live for the moment they hear those three little words, "put it in!"

Does anyone know the basic difference in how men and women think about each other. Let me explain it for you...............a man and a woman meet, fall in love, and in the usual course of "things" will marry to live together happily ever after or so they think. But things really happen this way---the man will look at the love of his life. He says to himself, "I love her just the way she is. I hope she never changes." BUT she always does change. The woman will look at the man in her life and say to herself, "I love him as he is but I can improve him" Of course the man never changes!

It was nearly 6pm and George was worried why was his wife so late. Here it was Sunday and he had washed his car and her mini-van and was just getting ready to watch the football game on tv. He thought that it doesn't take that long for 4 lady golfers to play one round of golf.
Well his wife walked into the living room just when he was getting comfortable and soon she was telling him what happened.
"We were there early enough for our 8am tee time but at the last minute Helen called and said she couldn't make it. We found a young lady, Sandy, and asked her to join us so that we could make our tee off time. But we had bad luck because Sandy was stung by a bee and we had to rush her to the hospitol because she developed anaphylactic shock. Then we stayed with her all day because her husband was out of town. We wanted to see that she would be all right. Sandy is just a beginner and she thought that the three of us could help her golf game improve. We didn't expect her to get stung by a bee between the first and second holes!"
George quickly replied-----"I realize that Sandy is a beginner. The next time you see her, tell her to narrow her stance a little and she won't get stung there anymore."

It was a Sunday morning about 10am and like every Sunday before, the same 4 life long friends were playing a round of golf at the country club. They had known each other for years but the youngest of the group was feeling a little courious on this particular Sunday.
"Bill I have a question for you. We have played at least 200 rounds of golf together and after the game is over,
everyone always takes a shower, but none of us have ever seen you take a shower. What's up with that?"
Bill looked at his golfing buddies and said, "Since we are the only guys in here right now, I will answer your question. First of all, you all know that I never married. Well I am a HERMAPHRODITE and that means that I have both male and female equipment. But in a couple of weeks I will have a sex reassignment operation and I will be all male!"
The oldest of the group George replied, "Hell no. Tell them to cut off your testicles instead. Then you can play from the ladies' tees."

Behind every great man is a great woman. Behind every great woman is a great behind!

The end of the little league baseball ended sadly because the two coaches of the winning team were killed in a car wreck the very next day. The double funeral was attended by many relatives and friends of both men but there was an unusual ugly attitude in the air at the funeral home.
The owner of the funeral home asked the wives why was everyone so unhappy and some people were even angry. The answer really surprized him. "My Fred looks best in blue" replied one wife. The other answered, "My George looks best in brown." And he replied, "But ladies, the service starts in 20 minutes. I don't have the time to solve the problem". Just then his right hand man whispered in his ear. The owner said, "We can fix this."
Both bodies were quickly removed and in less than 10 minutes George was dressed in blue and Fred was dressed in brown. Everyone was happy. The funeral was held without any problems.
Afterwards the receptionist/secretary just had to know------"How did you work so fast?" Her boss replied, "We switched the heads!"

Two elderly nuns decide to take a two week vacation together, driving cross country in a rented RV with all the amenities including satelite tv and the internet. The cost was so high that they quickly invited friends to help with the cost. Two friends had suddenly become a group of five.
It happened that the youngest in the group was driving one night and she fell asleep at the wheel. The resulting accident killed all 5.
St Peter quickly let in 4 of that group and gave them very good rooms in HEAVEN.
When he got to that young driver he was visibly upset.
"It's all your fault that everyone got killed because you fell asleep at the wheel. I really should send you to PURGATORY for a few hundred years but I will give you one chance to enter HEAVEN.
If you can answer my question correctly, I will open the pearly gates for you and you can enter HEAVEN.
What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
She stared at St Peter and said. "Gee, that's a hard one!"
St Peter opend the pearly gates and said, "Come on in!"

Go to the Hulu website. You will find Naruto Shippuden as episodes never shown here in the USA.

I have been on other sites before and have e-mailed women over some very long extended conversations only to have nothing happen at all---no first meeting or even excanged phone calls. Hey I am 60 years old but physically I am very strong and I hope I don't look my age. Are there any women here who would like to meet an older "gentleman" for friendship and/or casual dating?

From the San Antonio Express News-----------------
"to give away to a good home, large white male German Shepherd. He will eat anything, especially fond of CHILDREN!"

Every man and woman ever born on this Earth must go through those three great stages of ageing.
First there is Childhood. Second there is Adulthood. And third there is "Gee, you look good!"

In life there are only two things to worry about----you are well or you are sick. If you are well you have nothing to worry about but if you are sick you have two things to worry about----you will get well or you will die. If you get well you have nothing to worry about but if you die you have two things to worry about----you are going to Heaven or you are going to Hell! If you go to Heaven you have nothing to worry about and if you go to Hell you will be so busy shaking hand with all your friends, you won't have any time to worry!

The Johnsons began this Sunday morning exactly backwards. He took the kids to church and later handed the kids over to the chaperones for a Sunday afternoon field trip to The Zoo. He then drove to the grocery store to shop before going home.
Mrs. Johnson met three of her friends at the country club for a round of Golf followed by a round of drinks and lunch.
She arrived home about 2pm and just happened to catch her husband and a beautiful young woman cleaning up in the bedroom after some obviously passionate love making.
Eventually he got his wife to calm down long enough to explain what and why his wife had seen what she walked in on.
" Honey, after church I went down to HEB and bought what we needed here at home. While I was loading the groceries into the car, it began to drizzle. I happened to see this young lady sitting on a bus bench and she looked so tired and so lonely that I asked her if she needed any help. She told me that she hadn't eaten in a very long time, she needed a shower and some good clothes. I told her to get in the car and that I could help her out.
I gave her the left over pot roast that you didn't like last night.
While she took a shower, I found some slacks and shoes, a blouse, and even some "undies" that you never did like.
She thanked me for all my kindness and she had one question for me."
"Is there anything else your wife isn't using?"

Times were very difficult for Sally even though she was now living in the city of her dreams and had just landed the job of a lifetime. Moving across country had turned out badly as her new job had resulted in a divorce from her husband of 10 years.
She couldn't sleep at night because being alone in the big city created dreams of a monster under her bed waiting to attack her when she fell asleep.
Finally she decides to see a head shrinker and that doctor told her that she could be cured by 2 visits weekly for 6 months at $80 an hour. Talking to herself after she left his office, she didn't know how she could afford the treatment plan suggested.
The next day after work she stopped in at a bar near her home. The bartender noticed she was depressed and asked her what was wrong. Then he very quickly told her what to do to solve her problem.
A week later she runs into that doctor at a deli and he notices that she is now an entirely different personality and he asks her what happed to change her so much.
She told him about the conversation with the bartender. The doctor asks her "What did he tell you?"
He said to go the hardware store, buy a saw for $20 and cut the legs off my bed!