haha heard ya loud and clear

good night/morning

shouldnt prolly drink b4 bed..
hehe


ok nite.

sleep.. trust me it will look better tomorow..

roller coaster road is a extremely curvy hilly gravel road out in the country....

Mom. I really don't know where to start but some things need to be said.

I love you dearly. Always know that. I can't take you know more. I moved back to Minot cause in Bismarck I had no one. I was so lonely and severely depressed. I thought of suicide more often then not. I have thought of ways to do it. I have written letters. I love my son. It hurts me more than you know that you got him. I can't see him. When I lost him I lost the will to go on. I have nothing to live for. I know I have problems. I know I have mental illnesses. I did not ask God for them. I hate taking medicine for ever. I hate what I put grandma through last time I was here. I love her. I have addictions that will never go away as long as I am living. I know this. If God won't help me with this then I am worthless. If I can't have faith my life will get better through God and church then I will die. I feel eversence you got Phillip you have stopped loving me and givin up on your son. Why not you got the best part of me anyway.
Phillip is the ONLY good thing that I have ever done in my life. I have been the **** up that you hated since I was little. God will forgive if you just ask him. You never forgive. You have always bailed me out when I got in trouble. But you have never been there for me to talk to when I needed some one. I can't tell you nothing without you yelling at me. At least I have Dr. Eick. He will listen to me whatever I say. He don't judge me and he don't get mad. I just always wanted a mom. One that I could have been close to. You have pushed me away to much and I can't take it. I hurt so bad inside now for a long time. It is all built up to the point where I can't be happy. One day you will not have me to yell at and tell how ****ed up I am. I am 29 years old and I can make my own desisions. I did not ask grandma to come here she asked me. I am glad she did cause I would have for sure killed myself in Bismarck. Maybe you would have been
happier without me to be your open wound. He can call dad all you want but he will never be his FATHER. The day dad hit me when I was little for saying that he was not my dad and you did nothing. Thanks for nothing. I was in grade school. A child. I would never tell you how I feel or any of this but my doctor said I need to tell you to put it behind me and maybe start to feel better. You used to listen to your doctor and lock me in my room with nothing. I felt like a killer in prison. I resented you for that to this day. I have years of hurt inside so bad that I don't know if I will ever get over it. I started drugs and drinking to get away from the hurt and depression of my life. Even if it only lasted while I was high or drunk. At least I felt normal. If it was not ADD it was schytsophrenia, depression, now a mood disorder. I am fed up with not being normal. What girl would want a guy like me with all the problems with me. I will die
lonely and not loved. I don't want that. Chad won't even talk to me. He is my brother. He would not want to play with me when I was little. All I ever wanted is to be like him. The good son. I have nothing. I have no one. I now only have Grandma and you want to take that away too. Go ahead. If that is what you want you will get it cause you always get what you want anyway. I pray to God to let Grandma live forever cause if she dies then I have nobody that believes in me and thinks maybe there will be a chance for me. God knows you don't. If you take Grandma away from me then you will never hear from me again. Just maybe no one will. I don't understand why I have to go through life hating myself. I am sorry to have to tell you how I feel but before I die you have to know. I hope you feel good and go on with your life without me in it. I can't take you yelling at me and telling me what I need to do any longer. It just might be the
straw that broke the camels back the next time you do and you will not have me around anymore to do this to. It is good you have Phillip to remind you of me when I am gone. You can't say he don't cause he looks just like me. I guess we are even with all the money and things I ever took from you cause you took my son. You took my life. I can't go on not seeing Phillip. He don't even know how much I love him. He don't even know anything bout me. You say I will never change. You then don't know me at all. I am very smart, and strong willed. If I want to do something then I will do it no matter what is in my way. I won't say that not drinking til I am drunk is easy for me but it is not as hard as it is to write this letter. I have a want to stay sober. I have never had that before in my life. I really don't care if you believe me or not cause I am done trying to prove myself to you. From now on I will do it for ME! I wish you would have
never had me. You treat me like I am incompitant. All my life you had to control everyone around you. Well it has gone on long enough. No longer will you control my life. I hope you think this letter is a joke. Cause that will just prove to me that you never cared. You not once visitted me in prison. Even Dale visitted me. I will be having another baby soon and if things don't change you will never see it. If Phillip was still with me he might not have all the stuff in the world but at least he would be loved by a father that would do things with him. I know I could have been the father he needed. God would have shown me the way. I know I would have made mistakes cause I am not perfect but at least I would fix the mistake. In 29 years of my life I have never heard you say sorry for nothing even when you know you were wrong. There will be a lot of change in my life. I will do it on my own. God has a plan for me. I know that now. God
knows all the bad things I have done in life and he don't punish me for it. He loves me as his son. All I have to do is ask and I am forgiven. You are always worried what everyone thinks. Who cares. You should be worried only what God thinks. I know God loves me. He will make me better person. Everything is possible in the Lord even for me to change. My love for you is real even if you don't. Nothing can change that. Well it is getting late and I have to work in the morning so I will stop here. Go with God and have a blessed day. Tell Phillip that I love him. Now you know how I feel.

Elizabeth... I thought you said you wanted to talk to me today? You promised things would be better today. Well you were wrong. You are not talking to me... I am sorry bout last night. I just got up. I can't go to sleep anymore ever.

man i don't know who you are talkin but it sound like this guy is hurting and needs help not condmenation he needs support trust me i have been in that dark place

Ok, I can't put up with this asshole any more.

Buddy, **** off. You're just being a little ***** and begging for attention. Get over yourself. Stop trying to get people to feel sorry for you. Everybody has thier own problems, and you being a little ***** isn't doing anybody any good.

So, in closing, stop being a sympathy whore and get a life.

man i don't know who you are talkin but it sound like this guy is hurting and needs help not condmenation he needs support trust me i have been in that dark place