well brandons now running a temp of 100 again so its off to the doctor's tommorrow.I never bring him but this has lingered for almost 2 weeks.the fever is new though.he has puked,diarhea,aches and now a fever.poor lil devil.

I admire you for trying to take care of Brandon on your own, Jax. I am sorry he is sick and hope he gets better.

My friend, the manic-depressive nurse pregnant with twins is now in six and a half months of pregnancy. She came into work last night and updated me on how the twin are acting. She told me that they have evolved from hitting and punching her inside to using her for a trampoline. I am wondering if there is such a thing as mother abuse while the children are not even born, yet. Her belly just keeps on getting bigger and bigger. I just wish she would just go ahead and have the kids; I miss working with her.

One time a teacher told me "it dosn't matter how far you fall, but how high you bounce back up". What if i just keep falling, breaking thru the ground that i think its sturdy enough to hold me but gives out? Thats how I feel now. I quit trying to stand up, or even grab onto anything as I fall, because nothing can stop it. Everything I've ever tried to do has failed, and this is my punishment for it. This is God's way of saying "your just a fluke, why did i ever create you?" I'm nothing more than a bad example of what happens when life screws you over.

allen i hit rock bottom when i was your age and was homeless.so things can get worse and when bad things happen they come in a cluster fuk.dont give up hope ,things will get better...

So whats off limits here? I've got alot on my chest but not sure of what I can and cannot say here..

nothing as long as you respect our right to be nuts.
seriously friend we are here to support you so dont hold back.

Good question, 82280zx. I just back from a meeting and found out why my little friend didn't come by today to help me finish up laying the lineoleum in my bathroom like he said he would. He said he had got married over the weekend and was on his honeymoon. Of all the excuses, he would rather be on his honeymoon than to help me lay down the lineoleum in my bathroom. Gee, I thought we were friends. Then he had the nerve to say he didn't like lemon cake so now the lady who was going to make lemon cake at her meeting has changed her mind to making peach cobbler next Sunday. I told him that my friend at work set up my voice mail on my phone and he said he still hasn't been able to set up voice mail, yet. He said if he got some time off from work that he might come by this week or if not definately this next Sunday. The lady who bakes the cakes at her meeting said she wanted to make the meeting clothing optional but she couldn't get enough people to agree with her so she said she would just keep baking cakes.

I've been here before on this one, but the sad thing is I think I'm losing my grip on my own sanity. This is kinda long so bare with me if you would.

That is the nice thing about the forum versus a chat room. You can take your time to answer and it will be here. Sharing will not only help you but others. It helps me to know that I am not alone and I can check in here. Helping others has a tendency to help one's self. Just share whatever you feel you need to share. Sanity can be over rated.

In 2006 I met a girl that worked with my sister, I had just got out of a rough relationship that hurt me pretty bad. (Yea bad idea I know). Anyways this girl had just recently been hurt, the guy broke her heart by cheating on her. I wanted to show her I was better, I wanted to help her and care for her. We always played email tag and talked to each other at night by msn messanger. I would try to bring her food over everyday before I go to work (and I would be late most of the time to my own job). I eventually took her with me to the pet store, I got a kitten and named it after one of her favorite words. I wanted a cat and well I wanted her to feel more at home at my house, she had a house cat as well. To cut the story short, I screwed up. I made a promise to her that I would work on my depression and start taking my pills or getting some help with it... Well 6 months ago, (1 month off from being together for a year) I seen another guy flirting with her that she worked with, and I got upset and was scared I was going to lose her. So I confronted her about it, she claimed she wasn't flirting but it felt that way =/. So she dumps me. She told me she was going to give me another chance... I asked her for one. Well one week later I got nosey, I asked this guy if he knew her. He told me he started to date her. That day it felt like millions of needles pierced through my heart and I started to lose it. She told me that I had nothing to worry about, she wanted us to work, that I was better.. but yet she didn't care that she was hurting me. She blamed me for my hurt and said she wasn't causing it. Two months later after being drug through hell and my heart was breaking, she stopped talking to me. Within those two months I had told her off twice, been guilt tripped alot by her, felt helpless and defenseless, and ended up in the hospital because of my own heart. She didn't want me to leave, I didn't want to leave, but I didn't want to be hurt ether. I asked her to give me a second chance to please stop seeing him, but she told me I couldn't ask her to choose between two friends. I didn't mean it that way, but now I feel like total crap. She told me I was selfish that I didn't care about her, that my love wasn't good enough, that after I had told her off that all I could ever be was a friend. And now here I am totaly lost, hurt, and way gone. I've tryed medication, I've tryed therapy, I'm going to soon try a psychiatrist. I still can't let go of her, I still love her, I feel horrible for what happened I feel I am to blame for everything and feel like a total loser now. She dropped some of my things off yesterday and all it did was renew my pain and drop me a level down in my depression. There probably is no help for me, I'm sure I belong in a nut house now.

It can make one nucking futs, no doubt. Damned if you and damned if you don't. She did you a favor by leaving you. You might not be able to see that right now. No need to blame yourself or her. Break the cycle of addiction to her and give yourself some time to heal. I hurts I know when you gave your all and all you get is pain back. Admitting it openly and honestly like this is the first step in your recovery. Evidently, from what I am reading from what you wrote you two are not good for each other. Love shouldn't have to be painful. May be you might find someone on here that you can share with. I pray that divine guidance will help you.

8228ozx Dont ever give up on yourself. I also feel like i should be in a nuthouse. We all are a little nutty! But do not EVER give up hope! I have been battling depression for 13 years, and i am almost hitting rock bottom. I dont know what keeps my head up but whatever it is, i am grateful! Just know you are never alone!

I've hit rock bottom a few times. I'm actually suprised I'm still floating or am alive. And I think I have gave up on hope for me, there is no way I can describe the pain I'm feeling.

82280 - never give up hope. I understand the pain you are in, but it will get better with time. Listen to Roy, he knows what he is talking about. It sounds like your relationship was mostly one-sided and she wasn't giving in return and that was not healthy for you. You need time to heal and get over her. Talk to your doctor, he may be able to give you meds to help you through this time, or a counselor to talk out your feelings, maybe your church pastor, a group, someone to talk your feelings through. You are not alone, you have us on here. Don't give up, the pain will get better. Most of us on here have been through something similar, and we are here to make friends or find a partner. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now, but talk to your doctor, he may be able to help you with something to get over the rough spots right now. STay in touch, okay?? We do care.

Jams - welcome to the thread. Sorry you are bottoming out too, don't know what it is but there seems to be a bunch of us having a hard time right now. Think we need to form a lifesaver brigade. There are a lot of good people on here who care about each other. I am glad you posted here, and 82280 also. Don't ever feel like you are alone and at the end of your rope. As I told him, have you tried your counselor or doctor for help? I am a firm believer in groups. I have been in and out of counseling for years. Have been battling depression myself since childhood. I know it is hard but just keep fighting it and it will get better. Again, welcome to the thread and keep posting. Take care. Stay in touch, okay?

Allen - you have to keep trying, it is hard, I know how hard it is. Like Jax, I have worked two jobs for about 27 years now. Did what I had to to pay the bills and support my daughter. Keep working on it, you will find something. I have faith in you, don't give up, there is something out there, I know it. Heck at your age, I was married and getting the hell beat out of it. I got divorced at 29 and started all over with nothing, literally, with a 5 y/o to support, breaking into a new line of work, scared to death, 1 blouse, 1 pair of pants, wore the same clothes every day, washed them every night and wore them every day to work for about 5 months until I could afford to buy another blouse and pair of pants. It was never easy. You have it in you, just don't give up. Keep posting and keep us informed, okay? We care.

Jax, Karen & Roy - thanks for carrying the thread while I was laying low. Haven't been feeling well, my back and neck are hurting, been wrapping up with a heating pad these days, hoping the pain will slow down.

Karen - keep up the good work, you are awesome with all you do and your schooling must be so hard, with your rapid cycling of your moods.

Roy - so the guy threw you over on fixing the dryer to get married and go on a honeymoon, huh??? Man, have to take the backseat to his new bride, some people . I hope he helps you get it fixed soon. Nice that he got married though, hope they are happy. You also need to plan your break from work, short trip or just a break of some sort, don't give in to burnout, okay??

Jax - hope your son is feeling better, and the bosses understand. I went through that with my daughter. She had allergies and was sick a lot - I had 2 babysitters, one when she was healthy and one when she was sick (a grandmotherly type who would let her lay on the cough and watch cartoons and feed her soup and juice all day). I lucked out there. I would have lost my job for sure with her being sick so much. Explain it to your bosses. Does your son have allergies? My daughter had milk allergies, went from ear infection to pneumonia to bronchitis and strep throat and cycled back around again. Got her off the milk and it stopped. Amazing!!! Take care and hang in there.

Hope everyone is having a great week.

Marie, the 90 year old year resident helped me the other day. I came into her room the other night and she is just laying there. She is hard to understand because she didn't have her dentures in but plain as day she let me know she was afraid of the dark; Wanted the pillows out from under her legs; Wanted the blanket, quilt and the other wool blanket off her. She couldn't move her legs and was hot. I turned her privacy light above her head and asked her if it was too bright. She said no. But what caught my attention was the way she said, "Hey, baby come here for a minute." I swear it sounded like she was trying to seduce me. She also really enjoyed the cold thickened liquid. She is one that can not take water because it can make her choke but can take what we call thickened liquid. She was very thirsty. What helped me was being able to help her. She told me that I was a good aide. I told her grand niece who worked on a different floor that night the story and she got a good laugh. I told the nurse on my floor the story and she told me that she is just crazy. That was okay by me because I am attracted to crazy people, anyways.

Oh, yeah, Marie, Randy helped me with the dryer already. This is Scottie who is helping me now. Yeah, Randy helped me on his last day as being an aide for us but Scottie is one that goes to my meetings. As long as I don't give last names I protect their anonyminity. Sadly my gay friend relapsed in his six months of recovery but showed up at the meeting to start all over, again to get his white key tag. It is like the 24 hour chip in AA but NA uses the key tag system. The white key tag has been called the surrender key tag because some see it as the white flag of surrender. To surrender to recovery is a victory. I just love contradictions. Once a member can get past the first contradiction the other contradictions aren't as hard to accept.

never give up.your relationship was not a healthy one.you being in the thick of things,you just couldn't see it.a good relationship involves both people working on it and she obviously gave up on it.I know it hurts but it will get better with time.Start working on you and finding a treatment that works.heres a big hug.it always helps.

jams welcome and hugs to you for your struggles.