So... I realized the other day that I do not have a real good idea of how a committed man treats me, the way it feels good to me.

I haven't had good role-models that way, not in parents, not in partners who didn't treat me right. BUT... they are not the problem! I've gotten over that and know and feel I am worthy of something different.

However, one partner was committed, which meant him having me on a pedestal, putting me first -even over our kids-, never giving me proper feedback when needed, not showing a backbone etc.
His behaviour made me feel smothered and if I was dealing with a child instead of a partner who was standing next to me as an equal. He smothered the life out of me. And I felt totally unsupported.

The thought of having that again, no bleeping way!!
Now I think I've just answered my own question here, hahaha.

You maybe got stuff to add to it? NOT pretty words. I know plenty of them. But FEELING based behaviour / treatment of a committed man.

FOR ME:
- he has an opinion of his own while respecting mine
- emotionally balanced feedback
- helpful feedback e.g. for decision making
- able to take the lead
- stands up for me in a healthy way
- errmmm....
help?!

You want a lot Crystal ;-)

I am more from the school of, what can be made of this
fool I love?

For me, the guy comes first, his flaws come later.
You see the flaws first and cull.
Making a list of what I want from any particular person
seems like a set-up for destruction, an impossible
mix of fantasy and fear.

Preferences are fine..get the ones you are really
comfortable being alone with..if you preclude most
males on earth.

Actually, making a list is very good to get clear what you want as opposed to chucking chit at a wall hoping it'll stick. If you go about the list making the right way of course.

But that aside, this is not about that, this is about changing a limiting belief.

Why would any woman want to be put on a pedestal?

This ∆∆∆
And we bring to the table our flaws too. You ruin everything by trying to change them. It has to flow, you have to really enjoy each other. It is being best friends and partners in crime....

All of this above~~~

They should treat you with respect..

When you feel so comfortable with one that you just seem to click, go for it.. as some said we all have flaws....

As long as they are not abusive (physically or mentally) all other things will come together with communication...

I really don't and never have used a list, if that connection is there then let things happen.. Sure if they don't appeal to you then it ain't gonna happen anyway..

Hai !

He deserves better

I suggest a little different thinking about this.

I of course have no interest in men, but the exact same thing would apply to women for me, I think.

First, I'd point out that you know you want RESPECT, but you are still learning how to translate that one word, into the subtleties of how a person behaves.

As you learned the hard way, "respect" and "worship" are extremely different things.

So are "respect" and "slavish devotion and obedience."

Some other things that are not "respect," but which some people seem to think are, includes "callous disregard." I know lots of people who think they are showing "respect" by letting another person do as they wish, go where they will, and so on. Without reacting positively or negatively. I disagree.

Bottom line for me, in looking for a mate is that the woman has to want to be WITH ME, as I am; not be with me while secretly or overtly trying to turn me into her ideal person. And that's not as simple a thing to do as the words seem to say.

Because wanting me as I am does NOT mean adoring everything about me. It's closer to the way some people feel about their favorite antique, or some other item they want despite its flaws. I don't want someone who averts their eyes when my many flaws are showing, I want someone who sees them, thinks they are flaws, and yet loves me AS they see the flaws.

The basic reason for dating, to my thinking, is to allow people to test each other in a variety of venues and situations, to learn how they THINK. And how they REACT. Things go best in dating, when things go wrong, because that is what real life is about.

As I said, I want a mate who wants to be with me. And not just because she likes me, but because being with a mate, is what she wants to do as her life.

It's that last part that seems to make the difference between someone who goes with a person for a while, as a sort of personal entertainment, and someone who will ADJUST to their mate, as time and adventure takes its toll.

With care and understanding that's all forks!️

Hai! Pretty man. write me at iaminlovealready@gmail.com

A list of desired traits / qualities, is a good
first step toward healing.
And, is actually recommended by many
counselors.

*BUT*
It's just an exercise, and nowhere near end goal.
But, it's a step in the right direction.


Forgive yourself.
Let go of the yesterdays.
Become today.

humans told me that I NEED to be committed, but thank the powers that be, they did away with most insane asylums.

Thanks! And yes, making a list is really great. My dating life improved tremendously once I'd done that. But you can go even further, not just make a list. Too detailed for here. But it's brill!

But what I was actually asking: what does healthy committed behaviour look like?
Or, what does it look like to you?

Since very few of us have healthy role-models I think that is a great question. But looks like the Mingle populace disagrees or didn't read the OP. I get that a lot of late.

"Healthy, committed behaviour"

If I knew what it's suppose to look
like, I'd gladly share that secret.


We're kind of in the same boat,
(metaphorically speaking) trying to
heal in our own ways.

Best I can offer, is to share my life
preserver with you, should our boat
sink.

Hopefully similar to how they treated you before they were committed.
With the biggest change being your understanding (depth) of "why" they are (consistently) treating you that way.


Depends on the guy.
"FEELING's" based behavior is communication.
Attempting to communicate how they feel, which immediately responds to the feedback they get from how you react and communicate in return.
People communicate differently.
Lots of books on that subject (e.g. five love languages).

Someone "committed" is just someone that sticks around and works with you in reciprocating effort towards developing effective communication for whatever purpose the relationship fulfills.

Your understanding their behavior is just as, or more, important than their actual behavior.


Looks like healthy effective communication.

Which institution has he been committed to ?

Excellent question Crystal!

It's easy to say "I want a relationship with a man who values commitment". But to define what commitment means and looks like to us is not so easy. What commitment looks like to one, may not look the same to another.

It's like the five languages of love. If for instance, I feel most loved with a man who gives me quality time, then being with a man who shows love by affirmations but rarely has time to spend with me, then my love meter is going to run dry and I'm not going to feel loved, even though he's doing his best to show it.

Having a picture of what commitment looks like and feels like to you as an individual with help not only in attracting a like minded partner, but will increase the chances of a sustainable relationship.

What does healthy commitment look and feel like to me? I am still contemplating that, haven't a clue right now, haha! At most it's like Rock said, if the boat sinks, I can offer a life preserver. I want a man who does the same thing, meaning hanging in there through thick or thin, in it for the long haul. Anymore than that I'll need to give it some more thought.

Writing it out, such as a list, I agree is a great way to do that.

Thanks, Rock! That's jolly nice :)
I'm gonna contemplate it, what it looks like to me so it doesn't scare me anymore cos of wrong connotations.

Thank you for your feedback, River!
It is a good one isn't it! We (all) want a committed relationship but cannot tell what that would look like to us.
I'm going to work on it until I find something that feels good to me and counters this limiting belief I hold. I'm not sure but I do think this belief sabotages finding a committed partner.