So Your heart's desire, one and only friend zones you, forever, how are you supposed to feel ? Happy to have a friend ?

I feel gutted and depressed, still after over 35 years.
Having to watch the only woman I adore be with another man, and another, and another, because I am 'just friends' or 'like a brother' kills me.
She might Just as well have said something else beginning with F and ending in OFF ! It would have been better for me. The sweetness of being with her, my best friend, and the bitter poison of knowing someone else is . . .

And then it happens to me again with another lady I have serious feelings for over many years. And when she is finally free of her 'encumberance', and we can finally see each other without fear, she told me to friend off.

I don't think I can do it again. The first one still kills me.
Is it un-cool to drop a loved 'friend' because it hurts too much ?
Is it un-cool to only be friends with unattractive women for your own sanity ?
Am I supposed to put up with the crusher mincing my heart continuously, and be happy to suffer, to have a friend ? And control myself regards her chosen one.

All I know is I'm tired of the pain. If I had a girlfriend I would forget them, but they all only want to be friends.

I've been in love with my best friend for 8 years but I chose to love him in secret because I didn't want him to choose me over his unborn child to his ex-gf. If I was not scared and doubtful, he would have been married to me.What's the point in this? A friend is a friend. All the love and care you want, you will receive it from a friend but it's up to you to break the chain you're in since you were friendzoned. So, you have to move on and try to seek other things that might help you in forgetting your heartache. Be with other women and try to socialize. Never stick with a woman who can not love you back because you are just wasting your time. And lastly, be firm when you decide on something. Be blunt if you have to ask.

You cannot move on until you get over your past.
It is that simple.
Seems you are trying to replace the irreplaceable.
One suffers for love...somewhere along the line, if you
cannot do the time, don't do the crime.

And it is a crime, to call all your 'friends' unattractive..
perhaps they sense that..and label you accordingly..in the
friend zone.

Sound advice.
I've been somewhere similar myself.
Tell her if she needs someone to change her colostomy bag in a few years. to think of you. and move on.
you'll be fine.

I realize, it's often easier said, than done.

But, the best thing you can do for yourself,
is shrug, and move on.

Not everyone who says "friends first" actually means "let's be friends, and see if we develop something more".

Many have the ulterior motive of seeking a relationship, but just want to take time to know the other person without committing. It's not really the same as being a friend. But if they decide that you are a good person but not dating material, then you get placed in the friend zone. You might actually remain friends or not.

Truth is, most people don't look to their friends when seeking a date. They just don't think of friends in that manner. It's a very different form of intimacy, and it has unspoken boundaries that most never bother to question.

I took H20's advice, and got to know a number of women as friends without having any expectations. It allowed me to be myself without placing unnecessary pressure on myself. The result? Now several of those women approach me about becoming more than just friends. I chose just one.

The point is it's a different mindset.

If you go in specifically seeking or expecting a relationship, it alters the way you act and interact. Your whole approach becomes different. Yet it may be so subtle that you cannot notice it yourself. She may see it, but you never realize you are sabotaging yourself.

In a nutshell, you try too hard....but don't realize it.

A more relaxed approach that simply shows who you are as a person, not a potential love.

Sometimes after doing that, taking a short break for awhile can work miracles. She begins to miss your company. She becomes aware of feelings she had overlooked. She rethinks the role she wishes you to have in her life. Then she reaches out and confesses these things.

And if she doesn't? No sweat. You aren't pressuring yourself. You are flexible....adaptable. Instead of trying to create an opportunity, you simply are placing yourself where an opportunity can develop on its own, naturally....organically. Then you get to decide whether you wish to seize that opportunity.

I never expected my current lady to develop feelings for me. I just treated her with my normal compassion, empathy, and politeness. The more she got to know me, the more she wanted to be closer to me. I didn't force "getting to know you" questions. I just let conversations run their courses. Then one day, she dropped a subtle hint....and for once, I actually read it correctly.

But if I had tried to intentionally create a relationship, I would have been stuck in the friend zone. No doubt about that.

️

Sure, why not?
Isn't it better to have a friend than an enemy?


I find this kinda strange.
For that much time to pass and you still feel "gutted and depressed" indicates you are purposely holding on to it. My guess is you want to feel gutted and depressed and use this experience as justification.
Whatever floats yer boat.


This sounds like a self-persecution problem.
Your self-esteem has taken a hit and seems like yer trying to convince yourself you're not worthy in some weird way.


Well, I think the only person in a position do do anything about it is you, always has been and always will be.

It seems to be hard for many people to realize that love can only be felt within.
You can't make someone else love you.
They do that according to themselves.
If they don't feel it, they just don't feel it.
You move on.
If you gain a lifelong friend in the process, where's the harm in that?

The idea that "I love You so you have to love Me" is narcissistic.
Everyone is their own person.
They have feelings, thoughts, hopes and desires just like everybody else.
When you find the right one, the two of you fit together like a puzzle piece.
Each of you might say, "I don't know where you end and I begin".
Loving relationships must be both ways or they are going to fail.

What you wrote makes me think of 'stalker' mentality.
I'm not saying you are a stalker, just that many stalkers do have similar issues.

I suggest you let go of the heartache, center yourself and allow love to find its own way to you.

It's nice to have just a close man friend !

I can get a boyfriend but oftentimes they are NOT Close friends.

JMO

If you don’t want to be friends only with someone you are in love with, here’s what you do....

Just come right out and tell her how you feel. Worst case scenario is you lose her as a friend. Best case scenario, she gives you a chance.

Take a risk!!!”,

Sometimes it is possible to fall in love with your friend because after time you get to know what they are really like, their feelings, their inner thoughts, their hopes and dreams. I would much rather fall in love with my friend and know that we can always be friends than fall in love with lust that dries up and dwindles in a short time. You ask the elderly who have been married many years, their answer to their marriage is friendship.

Tell her how you feel and if she's not receptive do not let yourself stay in the friend zone. Tell her you like her, you love her but you don't want to be just friends and mean it. Let yourself grow by self improvement and new experiences. Go to therapy if you need to. Just my opinion.