turn around and swerve more lars

I might only get dizzy and disorientated

An interesting question to consider, from this particular point of view.

The main thing I'm seeing in my own life, and I think I'm seeing with others in this discussion, is that the idea of what a partner or spouse actually MEANS, changes in our lives. And the reasons NOT to have a partner change over time and experience as well.

The one most intriguing change I've witnessed from within my own life, has been that I didn't so much change from the time I was young, in what I actively WANTED.

I changed in how I understood what I wanted, and I changed a LOT in what I believed was possible. And I changed in what I thought I had to do and be, in order to get what I wanted.

Basically, I've always wanted a real partner. A real partner sort of teams up with you, and the two of you deal with whatever normal life is, as a team.

I never found that. I found instead, lots of people who seemed to be looking for anything from a rescuer, to an entertainment leader, to a servant, to some kind of general mutual role playing arrangement (as though what marriage was to them, was a sort of play, or tv series they were going to become a part of, with the other person as a costar).


After my long and difficult marriage crashed to an end, I at first thought I wanted to finally find the mate I originally wanted. And I actually do still want that. But over the years since, I had to come to a series of alterations in my understanding of how the world works, in this area.

First, and most common with other people, I believe, I thought I was ready right out of the gate, to start again with someone. Mainly, because the last two or three years of my marriage was so bad, that I had been sleeping on the couch every night, and experienced nothing but hostility from my wife, so I thought I was already through the period of adjusting to not having a real mate. But when I started to talk to other women, and saw my own reactions to that, I realized that there was an entire subconscious sort of background world inside me, that I had to rip out bit by bit like a defective foundation under a broken house, before I could start to rebuild.

Now, some years later, I am fairly discouraged. Still no change in what I want. But in all the people in my age range I have observed, the only ones who seem to be close to seeing the world the way that I do, are insanely far away. Lots of people are clearly looking for THEIR old original dream mates as well, and for most of them, I simply don't measure up. Not enough money, not enough ability to travel the world, not enough desire to go out partying regularly, and so on.

I don't suffer from the resentments I think I see a lot of people expressing in this area. I don't look at a woman who wants a guy who can "show her a good time," and declare her to be a gold-digger, or whatever. I don't look at women who always wanted to travel the world, and think they are entertainment leaches, or anything like that. I just see women who want things I can't provide, and who want to do things I don't want to do.

In total, that means that I don't see myself as "ready for a mate," in the sense that I'm not ready to be any of the kinds of people who everyone around me appears to want. And I am certainly not the guy I once was, who was thought he could exchange SOME desires being unfulfilled, in an arrangement to get the rest of them. My disastrous marriage convinced me that that kind of bargain never works.

So my base answer to this is yes, I am ready for a mate. But no, I don't expect to find one. That wont stop me from looking, which is why I'm still signed up all over the place on sites like this, and why I'm still working to fix my house up, and so on. But I don't try to date a lot, because I now know how oddly complicated my needs and desires actually are, in their otherwise mundane way.

In ways I'm ready for a mate. But I think it's harder to find what I'm looking for. When I met my first husband, we were young and anything was possible. I thought of kids, a home, travel, then rocking on the porch when we are old with the grandkids playing in the yard.

The last poster in a way is correct. It's hard to find a guy that measures up. And after a lifetime of crushed dreams and a failed marriage, it causes me to hesitate. I think to myself, why not just be alone. Because I see it as someone I will have to cook for and clean up after without anything in return.

Sometimes I wonder if I've grown too accustomed to being alone to be able to be in a relationship again. There's a freedom in not having to compromise, answer to anyone, or account for your whereabouts. Can one grow so independent that he/she is no longer able to partner up?

good

I think when all of my kids are grown and out of the house, I will put more into finding a partner. Or ready to settle because of loneliness. I might go for cooking for a guy while he sits on my sofa watching the game.

Why not the other way round? The guy could do the cooking, and you watch the match

I'm ready for a truly healthy relationship since I have yet to experience one during my lifetime.
I also realize that might be an ever-increasingly unlikely scenario.

I have a choice to hold out till I find the 'right' woman or to give into my need for companionship.

Since my need for companionship is not as strong as it once was, I will likely be alone till I die.
I believe I have entered a stage in my life where I can accept that.

If my health were better I might put more effort into a search but as it stands, the hoops I would need to jump thru are unrealistic.
Now, if I could roll thru those hoops....

That would be great.

See, I always have been against them gender stereotypes

That true

I have similar thoughts.

As ready as I've ever been, as ready as any other time.
IMO it's kinda like having a kid.
You can buy whatever self help crap you want, do whatever personal emotional development bs you want, that doesn't mean you are going to be a good parent for the next 18 years or the child is going to be a good normal kid.

IMO there is no such thing as "ready."

Just because someone is "needy" doesn't mean they're "bad" if they get into a relationship that fulfills their "neediness."

The only problem that usually arises from the "needy" relationship is when people lie to themselves and try to see the relationship for something it's not, or attempts to force the relationship into something it can never be.
e.g. codependency being seen as "true love!"


No such thing as "ready."
The only things that really matter are:
1. How willing are you to honestly see yourself; what you're doing, feeling, and looking for as defined by your view of your past behavior, long and short term.
2. How willing are you to learn to or facilitate communication.
3. How capable are you in 1 and 2, especially in terms of compatibility with the random person(s) you're focused on.

e.g. take the "needy" relationship. Sometimes someone is "needy" but finds someone that can get them through a "needy" phase, or helps "transform" their understanding so the relationship becomes more as the person changes.



IMO anymore that's pretty much average, the common viewpoint.
If a relationship is not your main goal, there's less perceived value to a relationship, less purpose for a relationship to fulfill.

People don't do anything without there being some fulfilling purpose to it.

The primary purpose of relationships is family. Family and community bonding. Intermarriage among a group and culture for perpetuation of the safety of the herd. An ideal bigger than the individual.

With the greater influence of the westernized world, the increased influence of individualism (oriental vs. occidental). Personal freedom vs. socialism.

What is a traditionally defined value of "love?"
Putting others before yourself.

If more cultures are becoming about personal self actualization, putting yourself above all to be "the best you possible!, express yourself! Who cares what anyone else thinks! Focus on your education, focus on your career, you'll have time to settle down later, you're still young," by default that has to put others after yourself.

People do not want to be put in second place, they don't want to be used as a support system for someone pursuing their "main goal(s)."

They want to know they'll be a priority. That they matter. That someone gives a crap about them more than anyone else. That they are safe in the family unit/group.

In practical reality, those that will be willing to be part of another individuals support system, not minding that they aren't a "priority," will require compensation of some kind. Tangible (sugar baby/daddy/golddigger), or intangible (codependency, settling, tenuous commitment, freedom for open relationship to pursue selfish gratification among others, freedom to pursue personal emotional fulfillment/hedonism, getting knocked up and taken care of but left alone).


IMO most people will "recognize this," the desire for a relationship but not a desire to make it a priority, a goal, valuing the purpose it fulfills, but more as an accessory for emotional completeness and fulfillment, to provide safety and security, a home base of acceptance, love, and wisdom, without judgment, while allowing for freedom and selfish pursuits.

Or IOW, "I want what I want when I want it and how I want it without any risk, cost, consequences, or commitments, except those that are guaranteed to offer me something I value and never engender a negative emotional reaction or judgment in any way."

It's getting, or has gotten, pretty common.

I guess, by your definition, I am very uncommon.
But, I already know I'm weird.

Some days I think I am, other days I think I'm not. Apparently the Universe doesn't think so or it would send me someone.

I do believe that when the right one for me shows up... I will be ready and he will be as well.

The outside stuff not getting done is killing my soul but 100 plus outside says nope. There is a travel sight where one can arrange room and board for people in exchange for work being done. You get choices of whom you make arrangements with.

The outside stuff not getting done is killing my soul but 100 plus outside says nope. There is a travel sight where one can arrange room and board for people in exchange for work being done. You get choices of whom you make arrangements with. IDK

The watching grandkids playing in the yard was always a dream, had it for a little while.

I first want to see the quality of the handyman work before I put on my maid pinny